new blog

This is the address to the new blog. I will not be adding to this blog anymore. So keep up with our musical family thru this blog:

http://musicalsoodsmas.blogspot.com/

See you there!

starting over with blogs

I think I'm going to quit with this blog. I need one that has a new name and a new theme. I haven't made it yet, but while I'm with Tanna, we might come up with something different. I'm hoping that after this week I will be starting over with the new blog. I will post on here what the new site is when I get it. Thanks for sharing with me and letting me share with you. Love you all.

One more time

I need prayer right now. I'm really struggling. March 15 I go back to the Dr. in Dodge City. Yes, that is the Dr. that's been helping me try and have a baby. I am going to be talking to her about our next options. I don't know if they will include clomid (but I am pretty sure it will). I am so nervous. I want to go because deep down I know if I don't do everything that I'm willing to do, I will regret it for the rest of my life. But the roller coaster is not a fun thing.(and I love real roller coasters) I hate that the hormones and the clomid make me gain weight. They make me moody, cause hot flashes, and among other things they add a new stress to my marriage. Then if it doesn't work, my husband gets to deal with a wife who is devastated and depressed.

Then if we add any other options in there besides just the clomid we are looking at more cost, and are the finances able to handle that? I will be talking to the Dr. about a procedure we might try, and I know it's a lot cheaper than in-vitro, but it still can cost between $800 and $1,000. To me it's worth it, but do we really have enough money to do that? Fertility procedures do not get covered by most insurances, so I expect that we will have to pay out of pocket.

Then after we try all this and spend the money on it, what happens if it doesn't work and we are out that money for nothing? As you can see I really know how to get myself worked up. There are just so many things to consider when doing this. Scott hates it when we are "trying". He says he feels like he loses the intimacy with his wife. It's not fun anymore, it's a thing we have to do at a certain time in a certain way. Not much fun, really.

I'm trying to trust God, I really am. It's just so hard. And then in the midst of all this, Martie wants a sibling so bad. I don't know if I'm correct in it, but sometimes I feel like she's mad at me that she doesn't have a sibling (at least one living with her). She's mentioned more than once that she's tired of being an only child and would we hurry up and give her a sibling (she's even resorted to looking on the KCSL website and finding kids she would like to have as a sibling). Doesn't make my mood any better.

Ok, I've ranted, I've thrown a fit. But I really do need prayer for this appt. I don't think some people really realize the turmoil that infertility can cause in a marriage. If you will stand with me in prayer, I'll do my best to stand firm in the Word of God and trust Him in His will. Love you all!

Lesson in life

I watched a very interesting movie last night. I'm not sure how I feel about the actual movie, but I got a good lesson out of it. It's called "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." Martie brought it home and I watched it after she went to bed. It's about a boy who is born old and instead of getting older, he gets younger. Well, he birth father just puts him on a porch step and another woman finds him and keeps him. He ends up calling her "Mama" and she assumes the role of his mother. After a few years (I'm not sure how long) she goes to something like a tent-revival where there is healing going on. She asks for prayer that God would open her womb. Then a while after that there is a scene where she announces to a room full of people that God has finally answered her prayers for a child. It then showed Benjamin's reaction. YOu can tell that he is very hurt that she didn't consider him an answer to her prayers even though she assumed the role of his mother. It really convicted me of something. Yes, we adopted Martie. We are now her parents legally. We take care of her and provide for her. We even give her love and guidance. But I realized that I am like that woman. I don't realize the blessing that is right under my nose. I keep grieving over the fact that I don't have a baby of my own and I keep asking God to open my womb, but what about the child that God has given me that didn't come from my womb. I should know as well as anyone that it doesn't matter if a woman gave birth to you or not. She can still be a mother to you. Am I making Martie feel like Benjamin felt when his "mama" finally had her prayers answered? Is she wondering why I don't consider her the answer to my prayers? Does it make her feel like she's not good enough?

Lord, forgive me if this is the case. Thank you for letting a strange movie speak to me in such a powerful way. I guess that goes to show that Yo can speak to anyone in any way. Thank you for showing me this before it is too late. Show me how to love Martie the way I need to love her. I love you.
Amen

Growing

I've come to hate it when I suspect that I'm pregnant. For one, most times I'm not pregnant. Secondly, if I happen to be pregnant, the chances of me actually keeping the baby are slim to none. I almost wonder if I'd rather be one of those women that doesn't know she's pregnant and then one day goes in to the ER and gives birth. But that wouldn't be right either, because one part that I miss the most (besides holding my own baby in my arms) is experiencing a baby growing inside me. To feel the moving, kicking, even the morning sickness, heartburn, and constant bathroom trips. I want to feel fat (but I think pregnant women are so beautiful), and uncomfortable. I even (I know I'm nuts) want to experience labor and the birth of my own baby. I know, most women who have had babies that might be reading this will tell me I'm nuts. Ok, I admit it, I'm totally and completely crazy. Anyway, I just had to share these thoughts because they were on my mind.

I've been doing good with being content, though. I have my few moments when I see a pregnant woman, or see a woman with a tiny baby, or hear of someone who just got pregnant. But those moments are fewer and farther between than they used to be. I'm able to rejoice with a new mother, instead of avoid her and cry alone. That in itself is major progress. I can even pass by an anniversary date (of the death or what was supposed to be a due date) and I don't always cry myself to sleep, or lock myself in my house. I've come so far in the 5 1/2 years that I've been trying to have a baby. And I give all the credit to my precious Lord, who has never left my side.

"To Save a Life"

I watched a very good movie last night. I would not recommend it for younger children (maybe not even Jr. High kids) but for High Schoolers it is something they should all see. It brings up issues that most High School kids deal with. And if they don't deal with it personally, they know someone who deals with it. I will admit that to some people the movie may be different from anything a church has done before. It does have some cussing and a sort-of sex scene. But it shows real teen life, and it brings Christianity out of the box. It focuses a lot on reaching out a establishing relationships with people that need a friend. It makes you think about routine religion and how to transform it into a real relationship with God. Or at least that's what I got out of it. I think other people may get something completely different out of it. It also can be a very touchy movie because it deals with suicide and cutting. Some may get offended by the way they bring it out in the open, but I've been there and done that so I liked how they shed light on what kids do these days. Anyway, I just wanted to share about this movie and my veiws on it. I give it a thumbs up as long as it's older kids or adults watching it. If anyone else has watched it and wants to share their comments feel free to let me know what you think. I won't be offended. I know that everyone has their own opinions and views on things. I'm curious to get some other feedback. God bless you all!

Spencer

Ok, I have to share one more story since I haven't blogged for so long. This happened right before Christmas and made me feel horrible. I was taking my puppy, Spencer out to go potty in Scott City. Well, it was icy/slushy, and he and I slipped. I was carrying him (for a dumb reason now) so that his new Christmas shirt would not get dirty. But when we landed I landed on him and broke his leg. Oh, poor Spencer. He had to go and get an x-ray and then they put a cast on his leg.

It's been a crazy time with the cast. We have to put bread sacks over his cast to go outside to potty, with a hair tie at the top. Scott calls it Spencer's cast condom...lol. Only Scott would think of that one. We also had some family and friends sign it over Christmas. I am going to take pictures of his signed cast (hopefully I can get a few more over the weekend). Scott wants to keep the cast, but I can't imagine keeping it. It smells bad and it really dirty. Then come Monday Spencer gets his cast taken off (and getting "fixed" at the same time..poor guy). He still has to be forced to be calm and not jump around or play a lot (really easy for a 6-7 month old puppy). Oh, crazy times. I felt so bad when I landed on poor Spency. I hope I can get some good pics of his cast before Monday and post them on here. I hope all of you have a great day! Love ya'll.

what our family gets into

I've decided it doesn't matter if you are a Pollock or a Soodsma, the life is about the same. Or maybe it's because I'm originally a Pollock and it just carries over. I don't know. But I have to share what happened to our family about a week and a half ago. It's funny in a way, but not funny. Well, you'll see what I mean.

It all started when one of Martie's friends came over on Tuesday Jan. 5th. I will not share the name or the gender. I will just call this friend "friend". Anyway, "friend" came over and wanted to hang out. I said, sure, why not. At least I know that Martie and "friend" are not getting into trouble if they are over here. We all hung out and played the wii and chatted. Then Scott came home from work and we were all going to a basketball game in Dighton. We let "friend" come with us. After the game we drove back to our house and "friend" needed to pick up some other friends to bring back to their hometown. But the vehicle would not run very well. Scott knows a little bit about vehicles, so he went out to look. The vehicle was not running properly, so Scott said he would drive it back to the hometown. We followed in the van. The vehicle broke down between here and there and we had to pick Scott up and drive the rest of the way to drop "friend" off. No big deal right?? Wrong. I get a phone call a couple days later telling me that this vehicle was stolen. I was like "oh my goodness, my husband drove a stolen vehicle." And then all the what-if's started. What if he'd been pulled over and arrested for stealing the vehicle? So he ended up going to the police station and writing a statement for them so they knew what happened. I am still waiting to see if I get called in for a statement since I saw "friend" driving the vehicle. Oh, the things that a Pollock-Soodsma gets involved in. But thinking about Scott driving a stolen vehicle is kind of funny. That's not him at all. I hope you get a good laugh about him in the story. Love ya'll. Don't drive any stolen cars....lol.

New Blog up and running

My new blog is now up and running. I will be adding stuff to it as the Christmas break progresses, but it is at least going. It is:

http://www.beauty-gladness-praise.blogspot.com/

If you are struggling with the loss of a baby or child (miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth, or any other way) please visit it. I will be sharing my story and my struggles along the way, and what I am learning (or have learned). I will keep this blog for family and personal stuff (venting, sharing news, etc.) so don't panic. The other one is strictly for my ministry.

Love you all and have a very Merry Christmas.