new blog

This is the address to the new blog. I will not be adding to this blog anymore. So keep up with our musical family thru this blog:

http://musicalsoodsmas.blogspot.com/

See you there!

starting over with blogs

I think I'm going to quit with this blog. I need one that has a new name and a new theme. I haven't made it yet, but while I'm with Tanna, we might come up with something different. I'm hoping that after this week I will be starting over with the new blog. I will post on here what the new site is when I get it. Thanks for sharing with me and letting me share with you. Love you all.

One more time

I need prayer right now. I'm really struggling. March 15 I go back to the Dr. in Dodge City. Yes, that is the Dr. that's been helping me try and have a baby. I am going to be talking to her about our next options. I don't know if they will include clomid (but I am pretty sure it will). I am so nervous. I want to go because deep down I know if I don't do everything that I'm willing to do, I will regret it for the rest of my life. But the roller coaster is not a fun thing.(and I love real roller coasters) I hate that the hormones and the clomid make me gain weight. They make me moody, cause hot flashes, and among other things they add a new stress to my marriage. Then if it doesn't work, my husband gets to deal with a wife who is devastated and depressed.

Then if we add any other options in there besides just the clomid we are looking at more cost, and are the finances able to handle that? I will be talking to the Dr. about a procedure we might try, and I know it's a lot cheaper than in-vitro, but it still can cost between $800 and $1,000. To me it's worth it, but do we really have enough money to do that? Fertility procedures do not get covered by most insurances, so I expect that we will have to pay out of pocket.

Then after we try all this and spend the money on it, what happens if it doesn't work and we are out that money for nothing? As you can see I really know how to get myself worked up. There are just so many things to consider when doing this. Scott hates it when we are "trying". He says he feels like he loses the intimacy with his wife. It's not fun anymore, it's a thing we have to do at a certain time in a certain way. Not much fun, really.

I'm trying to trust God, I really am. It's just so hard. And then in the midst of all this, Martie wants a sibling so bad. I don't know if I'm correct in it, but sometimes I feel like she's mad at me that she doesn't have a sibling (at least one living with her). She's mentioned more than once that she's tired of being an only child and would we hurry up and give her a sibling (she's even resorted to looking on the KCSL website and finding kids she would like to have as a sibling). Doesn't make my mood any better.

Ok, I've ranted, I've thrown a fit. But I really do need prayer for this appt. I don't think some people really realize the turmoil that infertility can cause in a marriage. If you will stand with me in prayer, I'll do my best to stand firm in the Word of God and trust Him in His will. Love you all!

Lesson in life

I watched a very interesting movie last night. I'm not sure how I feel about the actual movie, but I got a good lesson out of it. It's called "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." Martie brought it home and I watched it after she went to bed. It's about a boy who is born old and instead of getting older, he gets younger. Well, he birth father just puts him on a porch step and another woman finds him and keeps him. He ends up calling her "Mama" and she assumes the role of his mother. After a few years (I'm not sure how long) she goes to something like a tent-revival where there is healing going on. She asks for prayer that God would open her womb. Then a while after that there is a scene where she announces to a room full of people that God has finally answered her prayers for a child. It then showed Benjamin's reaction. YOu can tell that he is very hurt that she didn't consider him an answer to her prayers even though she assumed the role of his mother. It really convicted me of something. Yes, we adopted Martie. We are now her parents legally. We take care of her and provide for her. We even give her love and guidance. But I realized that I am like that woman. I don't realize the blessing that is right under my nose. I keep grieving over the fact that I don't have a baby of my own and I keep asking God to open my womb, but what about the child that God has given me that didn't come from my womb. I should know as well as anyone that it doesn't matter if a woman gave birth to you or not. She can still be a mother to you. Am I making Martie feel like Benjamin felt when his "mama" finally had her prayers answered? Is she wondering why I don't consider her the answer to my prayers? Does it make her feel like she's not good enough?

Lord, forgive me if this is the case. Thank you for letting a strange movie speak to me in such a powerful way. I guess that goes to show that Yo can speak to anyone in any way. Thank you for showing me this before it is too late. Show me how to love Martie the way I need to love her. I love you.
Amen

Growing

I've come to hate it when I suspect that I'm pregnant. For one, most times I'm not pregnant. Secondly, if I happen to be pregnant, the chances of me actually keeping the baby are slim to none. I almost wonder if I'd rather be one of those women that doesn't know she's pregnant and then one day goes in to the ER and gives birth. But that wouldn't be right either, because one part that I miss the most (besides holding my own baby in my arms) is experiencing a baby growing inside me. To feel the moving, kicking, even the morning sickness, heartburn, and constant bathroom trips. I want to feel fat (but I think pregnant women are so beautiful), and uncomfortable. I even (I know I'm nuts) want to experience labor and the birth of my own baby. I know, most women who have had babies that might be reading this will tell me I'm nuts. Ok, I admit it, I'm totally and completely crazy. Anyway, I just had to share these thoughts because they were on my mind.

I've been doing good with being content, though. I have my few moments when I see a pregnant woman, or see a woman with a tiny baby, or hear of someone who just got pregnant. But those moments are fewer and farther between than they used to be. I'm able to rejoice with a new mother, instead of avoid her and cry alone. That in itself is major progress. I can even pass by an anniversary date (of the death or what was supposed to be a due date) and I don't always cry myself to sleep, or lock myself in my house. I've come so far in the 5 1/2 years that I've been trying to have a baby. And I give all the credit to my precious Lord, who has never left my side.

"To Save a Life"

I watched a very good movie last night. I would not recommend it for younger children (maybe not even Jr. High kids) but for High Schoolers it is something they should all see. It brings up issues that most High School kids deal with. And if they don't deal with it personally, they know someone who deals with it. I will admit that to some people the movie may be different from anything a church has done before. It does have some cussing and a sort-of sex scene. But it shows real teen life, and it brings Christianity out of the box. It focuses a lot on reaching out a establishing relationships with people that need a friend. It makes you think about routine religion and how to transform it into a real relationship with God. Or at least that's what I got out of it. I think other people may get something completely different out of it. It also can be a very touchy movie because it deals with suicide and cutting. Some may get offended by the way they bring it out in the open, but I've been there and done that so I liked how they shed light on what kids do these days. Anyway, I just wanted to share about this movie and my veiws on it. I give it a thumbs up as long as it's older kids or adults watching it. If anyone else has watched it and wants to share their comments feel free to let me know what you think. I won't be offended. I know that everyone has their own opinions and views on things. I'm curious to get some other feedback. God bless you all!

Spencer

Ok, I have to share one more story since I haven't blogged for so long. This happened right before Christmas and made me feel horrible. I was taking my puppy, Spencer out to go potty in Scott City. Well, it was icy/slushy, and he and I slipped. I was carrying him (for a dumb reason now) so that his new Christmas shirt would not get dirty. But when we landed I landed on him and broke his leg. Oh, poor Spencer. He had to go and get an x-ray and then they put a cast on his leg.

It's been a crazy time with the cast. We have to put bread sacks over his cast to go outside to potty, with a hair tie at the top. Scott calls it Spencer's cast condom...lol. Only Scott would think of that one. We also had some family and friends sign it over Christmas. I am going to take pictures of his signed cast (hopefully I can get a few more over the weekend). Scott wants to keep the cast, but I can't imagine keeping it. It smells bad and it really dirty. Then come Monday Spencer gets his cast taken off (and getting "fixed" at the same time..poor guy). He still has to be forced to be calm and not jump around or play a lot (really easy for a 6-7 month old puppy). Oh, crazy times. I felt so bad when I landed on poor Spency. I hope I can get some good pics of his cast before Monday and post them on here. I hope all of you have a great day! Love ya'll.

what our family gets into

I've decided it doesn't matter if you are a Pollock or a Soodsma, the life is about the same. Or maybe it's because I'm originally a Pollock and it just carries over. I don't know. But I have to share what happened to our family about a week and a half ago. It's funny in a way, but not funny. Well, you'll see what I mean.

It all started when one of Martie's friends came over on Tuesday Jan. 5th. I will not share the name or the gender. I will just call this friend "friend". Anyway, "friend" came over and wanted to hang out. I said, sure, why not. At least I know that Martie and "friend" are not getting into trouble if they are over here. We all hung out and played the wii and chatted. Then Scott came home from work and we were all going to a basketball game in Dighton. We let "friend" come with us. After the game we drove back to our house and "friend" needed to pick up some other friends to bring back to their hometown. But the vehicle would not run very well. Scott knows a little bit about vehicles, so he went out to look. The vehicle was not running properly, so Scott said he would drive it back to the hometown. We followed in the van. The vehicle broke down between here and there and we had to pick Scott up and drive the rest of the way to drop "friend" off. No big deal right?? Wrong. I get a phone call a couple days later telling me that this vehicle was stolen. I was like "oh my goodness, my husband drove a stolen vehicle." And then all the what-if's started. What if he'd been pulled over and arrested for stealing the vehicle? So he ended up going to the police station and writing a statement for them so they knew what happened. I am still waiting to see if I get called in for a statement since I saw "friend" driving the vehicle. Oh, the things that a Pollock-Soodsma gets involved in. But thinking about Scott driving a stolen vehicle is kind of funny. That's not him at all. I hope you get a good laugh about him in the story. Love ya'll. Don't drive any stolen cars....lol.

New Blog up and running

My new blog is now up and running. I will be adding stuff to it as the Christmas break progresses, but it is at least going. It is:

http://www.beauty-gladness-praise.blogspot.com/

If you are struggling with the loss of a baby or child (miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth, or any other way) please visit it. I will be sharing my story and my struggles along the way, and what I am learning (or have learned). I will keep this blog for family and personal stuff (venting, sharing news, etc.) so don't panic. The other one is strictly for my ministry.

Love you all and have a very Merry Christmas.

New Blog

Ok, I have not gotten it done yet (working with my sis-in-law over Christmas break), but I am starting a new blog. I've had it in my heart to minister to women who have lost a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or as an infant. So I am going to create a blog for that purpose. I will share my story, my struggles, and have opportunities for other women to contact me and we can talk about it. I am way out of my comfort zone on this, but that's how I know it's God and not me wanting to get this started. I just know the hard times I've had with my miscarriages and not being able to have a baby, and I want to use it to help others. I will have a link through this blog to get to it. I'm so excited to be doing this...but so nervous. I just pray that God will use me to the fullest. When the blog is up and running I will post on here and anyone who is interested can check it out. And hey, spread the news when I get it up....if you know anyone who has lost a child in this way, let them know that they can visit my blog and get inspiration through music, testimony, and just plain old encouragement. I will try to do a better job on here to keep people updated on our family as well. I just need to manage my time more wisely and get it done. Anyway, I better go. I will try and post more. God Bless you all...and have a very Merry Christmas.

Grandpa

Ok, another time of the year that's rough....so what do I do, I blog about it. Tomorrow marks two years since the day my Grandpa Pollock passed away. I did really well last year around this time....I mean I thought about him and what had happened and I did my grieving, but this year seems to be worse than last year. It started on Saturday night (the middle of me being sick) that I had a crazy dream that I just can't seem to shake. I dreamed that I was at my Grandpa's farm (that has since been sold) with the rest of the family, and I mean the whole family...cousins, aunts, uncles, everyone. We were all sitting around the dining room and kitchen and my Grandpa was sitting next to the fridge and I was on a chair in front of him by his feet. It was as if he and I were the only ones in the room, but yet it was a full house. He got up and started walking towards the front door. I followed because I was determined I wanted to go wherever he went. He went outside to a pick-up and got inside. I tried to get inside and he told me I couldn't go with him. So I stepped back and he drove off. So I went into the garage and started going from vehicle to vehicle trying to "fix" them (I thought there was something wrong with some of them). But I couldn't figure it out, so I just sat in a van that was supposed to be my Grandma's. And that was the dream. Very weird....and ever since the I've had a very hard time with my Grandpa. Maybe I'm making too much out of nothing, but it was just so real and to be sitting with him again and then he just left....again. It was the same kind of raw hurt all over again. Don't get me wrong I know where he is, and deep down I would never wish him back. He's with his Savior. He's not suffering anymore and he never will. And I will see him someday. I guess maybe I'm not grieving for him so much as for me. For me that I have to wait to see him when I miss him so much. For my daughter who won't ever meet him this side of Heaven....and me knowing that she missed meeting a great man. That's what I grieve I think. And I also know that he's up there with grandchildren on his knee (the ones I've never met) and that comforts me. And knowing that I still have a husband because my Grandpa chose to take my husbands cancer upon himself. A gift that I hope to never take for granted. And this is why I blog, because when it's done right I feel better when I've shared my heart. You know one other thing that has come from all this is that I question how I should live my life....so that in the end when they are having my funeral, they are saying things about me that mirror what they said about my Grandpa and the wonderful faith he had.

I love you, Grandpa. I will see you again, and when I do I will give you a great big hug and thank you for all you did for me and all the ways you showed me love.

Cowboy Church

I went and did a cowboy church service in Scott City on Sunday. It was so awesome. God had me go way out of my comfort zone. I actually did as much (if not more) talking than I did singing. My little program was 25 minutes long and I only did 4 songs and ended with a short hymn. The rest was sharing my testimony and what God has been teaching me. I pretty much took most of it from my last post. I added a little more, but the idea was the same. And as much as people told me they loved to hear this message, I got so much out of it. I learned that it's not so bad to share your heart with other people. It's a way of healing. I would never have guessed it would almost minister to me more than them. The thing is, it's a message that anyone can hear. We all go through trials, so that part they could all relate to. And sharing my own trials showed them that it's ok to grieve, to cry, to wonder what God is really doing in it all. Just as long as we are still clinging to the hope that God has a perfect plan for us. I hope I could show them that I'm just human and God is teaching me so much. I'm learning to rely on Him for my strength and the will to go on. It's ok to be sad and miss what I don't have with me, as long as I don't focus solely on what I'm missing. Because I have great things in my life, even in the midst of my loss. I really do just pray that I would have strong faith. I want to be like Scott when he went thru his eye cancer and we all could see his un-wavering faith. I want that kind of faith. I want un-wavering faith.

*p.s. In case any of you are wondering, yes, I deleted some of my posts from this summer.

I've been doing an exercise with myself in the past week. And it seems to be working. It doesn't make life perfect, but it is helping my attitude and helping me be content. When I wake up in the morning I tell myself (when I'm actually awake enough to think) "Melissa, God has blessed you beyond what you deserve. You have an awesome husband and daughter and right now that's enough for you." And then continually during the day I thank God for all that He has done for me. I still have moments when I desire a baby so bad my arms ache, but the ache seems better when I count the blessings I have. I have also been praying that God would use us to be a home for children that need a family to call their own. Children that aren't wanted by their parents or even abused by them. I'm to the point that I want to adopt so bad. I would still love to be pregnant and experience that, but it's not about the here and now. I need to look down the road at changed lives because I sacrificed that part of me to change others. It's time that I quit being selfish and give of myself. It's not about me and my wants. It's about living in God's plan and touching lives for Him. But, boy, do I still have a lot to learn. I was watching a video on a blog that I follow and it showed me that I have so far to go in my faith. I desire faith like I saw in the video (even though this family lost a baby). Their faith was shining through thier grief. Now, I know this is a dangerous think to ask for. Why?? Because faith like that does not come easy. It comes through trials and perseverence. I pretty much prayed that God would keep the trials coming. Ok, I am a little crazy....but like I said it's not about the here and now or even being comfy. I also refuse to waste my life wanting things I may never have and miss out on the things that I do have. That's not fair to me or those who are blessings to me. I am still clinging to the hymn I mentioned in my previous post...."I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back."

God, I have not been using this blog for your Glory. I've used it to have a pity party. God forgive me. Please use me. Use this blog to touch others...that's the reason I started it in the first place. Be with those who read it and touch them in ways that they need a touch from you. Like I've been praying, help me realize the blessings that I have in my life and thank you for all of them. I love You and I will serve You all my days. In Your Name, Amen.

What God is teaching me

I have had a rough time lately. I'll admit it. And yes, I'll also admit that I'm not the only one with tough things in life (some are even worse than my situation), but can I also say that I do get selfish and all I can see is my problems. I'm working on that, I really am. Actually God has been pounding some things into my head lately (well, not quite pounding...just showing). It seems that everywhere I look God keeps telling me that it's not about what happens to you...it's about a commitment to follow Him no matter what. Thru good times and bad times. It's about trusting Him and His will in all situations. Even when you don't understand anything that's going on. I've read a book (twice...and listening to it on cd now in Sunday School), and I've watched a movie, and I have even heard a sermon that have all stated this same thing. The book is called "The Shack" the movie is called "Though None Go With Me" and the sermon was by our pastor today at church. You'd think that after all of that I would finally understand. Well, I'm not sure I understand completely, but I have decided to do what an old hymn says (from the movie I watched) :

"Though none go with me still I will follow
No turning back, no turning back"

It's a hymn called "I have decided to follow Jesus." It's making me realize now that I don't know that I completely had decided to follow Jesus. I had asked Him into my heart, but I was only willing to follow if things went my way. It's not any easier and in fact it is a hard decision. But in the end it's all worth it. I just pray that I can keep this commitment no matter what. I am still grieving, in fact I had a bad day today. But I will follow even in the midst of my pain.

Good-Bye again

I had told a few people who read this that I had gotten a faint positive on a pg test. Then the second day I got one that was even more faint...but still there. Then the 3rd day I got a completely negative test. I wondered if I had lost my mind or was seeing lines that weren't there. But Monday brought about something that I'm not ready to again......this was the 5th time and I honestly can't do it anymore. The first and second tests were right.....I was pg. Yes, that's right I say was. Monday my 5th little angel went home to be with Jesus. What's really strange about this one is that now that it's all over I'm having pg symptoms. Sore chest, getting nauseous a little, and I'm so very tired. I am pretty sure it's a few left over pg hormones, just not enough to trigger a test. Scott has been awesome again......he's learning that just because he didn't see any kind of physical evidence that I was pg, I still hurt over this. It's really hard becuase I don't think there are any more options that I'm willing to take at this time. I don't know that I can mentally handle this again. The roller coaster of waiting and waiting, then seeing a faint line just to lose the baby a couple days later. I am just pretty sure that my first instinct is right. I'm just not meant to have a baby from my womb. I am going to start praying hard that God will grant us a baby through adoption...that He will provide the funds that are needed and that it go smoothly and not be another roller coaster as trying for our own has been. I'm doing okay right now. I went through denial for the first 2 days, then I went through my anger (big time), and now I'm into a little bit of the depressed and no energy stage. But I will make it through. I will be just fine. Even though it's hard for me to do right now, I have to let myself grieve. I guess I get scared because I keep thinking that if I start crying I might not be able to stop. But one of these days I will get it done. Oh, and I came up with another name today. I told myself all week that I was not going to pick a name because that made it more real. But that was the denial working. Like before I don't know the sex, but sometimes I feel that God allows me an insight to whether it is a boy or girl. So this morning I decided that the name Hannah Elizabeth was a very pretty name. I didn't look up the meaning, but they are both names from the Bible. And Hannah was one who begged God for a child (Samuel) and then she gave him completely over to God. I am in her position right now. But I'm realizing that I have a child and I'm giving her over completely to God. Martie is so precious and needs me. I am content to have her and I will choose that everyday. Ok, gotta go. Since my internet is not working at home I might not be on for a little while, but I will try to check facebook, e-mail, and here at some point. Your prayers are coveted and appreciated. God bless you and keep you.

Bi-polar Treatment

I started a new bi-polar treatment (amidst all that's going on this week). It's an all-natural treatment that has vitamins and herbs in it. I started it on Monday and we've been monitoring me really close to see what it has done. I think it's working. Unless it's just my mind thinking that it's working. But my thoughts haven't been racing as much and when I do have energy it's not an over-abundance, and when things have gotten me down I don't get "down" like I have been known to do. I know it's only the first week, an it will take a few weeks to really know for sure if it's working or not, but the results so far are promising. I just had to share this little bit of news because I had said that I would do that earlier in my blog.

And tomorrow is the "big" day and I'm so excited. Not that Martie doesn't feel like my daughter already, but it's legal and official tomorrow. Her birth certificate will be changed to our names and everything. It makes it so much more real. We've noticed that since we've been getting closer to finalization day, she's been opening up more and more (which I thought maybe she would do). She's shared more about her past than she ever has and has been talking to us about her social life and trusting us more with thing around her. I know it's because she can really know that we are not leaving her now. This whole time she's known that we could change our minds at any time (not that we would have) but to her, our word meant nothing. She's used to being "thrown away" and it's foreign to her that someone would stick around. And now here it is and we have chosen her and we are keeping her. She's coming around and it's so good to finally see her heart coming out. She's such a precious girl. Anyway...I am going to end this post like I used to end my posts and I haven't done it in awhile.

Lord, I just thank you for today. I thank you for family and friends. I pray that you would be with each of them. God I give my daughter to you, she's Yours long before she's ours and I pray that even though we will make many mistakes (and already have) that Your will, will be done in her life. She has such a good heart and so much love and compassion. I pray that You would grow her and use that for Your good. Draw her close to You, help heal her past hurts and like you did with my past, allow good to come from all of it eventually. Lord, I just thank you for what you do in our lives. I don't thank you enough or acknowledge what you do. I take for granted the everyday things. I pray, Lord, that my blog would be used to Your glory and that lives could be touched by it in some way. Thank you for this opportunity to share my heart. In Your name, Amen.

Dr Appt.

Ok, I went to my appt today. I was open to hearing bad news if I needed to hear it. And the dr did an exam and I go in for a sonogram in three weeks (to make sure things look ok inside), but I was shocked at what she told me and what our next course of action is. I am now officially on progesterone pills and for the next three months Scott and I will officially be "trying" really hard for a baby. Yes, I'm on Clomid...the med that will make me ovulate. I don't know if the dr is looking at the future and seeing that I need to do all that I can now, but she was the one who brought up clomid and all that today. I was just like, whoa, I can't believe that I went in to the dr's office thinking the worst and it came out like this. Now, this doesn't mean that the meds will for sure work, but I'm willing to try them if the dr thinks they are worth trying. The progesterone pills are to help me have enough progesterone to keep a pregnancy and of course the others are to help me get pg. I'm excited to be trying again, but I'm scared too. I don't want to get my hopes up, but at the same time I want to remember that God can do anything. We are not telling Martie at this time, because she wants a little brother or sister so bad that she will get her hopes up and then will be crushed if nothing happens. I don't know if I should even be blogging about this, maybe I'm jinxing myself...but then again....I shouldn't even be believing in superstitions. God is bigger than that. God works in His own way and above superstitions and luck. Anyway, I guess we'll see how the summer goes and what happens. Trust me, I'll be sharing fears and doubts along the way...and if anything happens the blog will be one of the first places I'll go (after announcing it to family and friends of course). Keep praying....but pray that God's will is done in the situation. God bless.

Also this week

• I do have one major prayer request for me (and maybe I'm just venting my fears). But I have a dr. appt. this coming wednesday with my "woman" dr. I'm nervous and afraid of what is coming. I have not shared this with anyone but my family and my husband, but I don't think my body is doing some very good things. I've been having some bad symptoms in the past couple months and while it could be other things, these symptoms can be linked to cervical/ovarian/uterine cancer. With all the problems I've had I do have an increased risk of these cancers, so I've always had my alert higher and looking for these signs. They are uncomfortable and they do interfere with my normal, everyday life. I can see the dr wanting to for sure do another D&C, but I'm afraid that it's getting so bad that she's going to suggest a hysterectomy soon (maybe not this summer, but in a couple years). While I would give up these parts to keep from suffering from cancer, it is very hard on me because if I have a hysterectomy my chances of having a baby becomes zero, zippo, nothing. This will be hard for me. I will get through it, but it will take some grieving. I might just grieve as if I lost another baby. Ok, now I'm talking as if this will for sure happen. I need to not do that. But I do need to know that it could be a reality very shortly. I know earlier I posted about having "God-feelings" and feeling like a person knew that something was going to happen. Well, I've had this funny feeling about me and my woman stuff and that I will be losing all those parts within the next few years. I hope that my feeling is wrong this time, but it is the same feeling that I had before Scott and I found out about his eye cancer. It was like God was preparing us for it. Well, sometimes I feel like God might be preparing me for this. I just hope that I can get past whatever happens on Wednesday. Scott is going with me, but I'm still nervous. I don't know what all the dr can do on that day, it will probably take more dr appts, but at least this is a start. Just pray for me that I will have the peace of God between now and then and during the appt.

May 8th

Wow! It's finally the week of our finalization. We finalize this coming Friday (May 8th). I'm so excited. Martaysha will finally become a Soodsma. And then we celebrate it the week after when she has her graduation party. This is so cool. As tough as it can be (as it can be with any child) it's also very rewarding and fulfilling to be a mom. I just know this is what I am supposed to be doing. I was created to be a mom. Even if I was created to do nothing else, I at least know that I was made to be a mom. And just in time for Mother's Day. When we were finding out about our finalization and they were telling us it would take 4-6 weeks to get into court (which would have made it the end of May) I just started praying. I wanted to be very selfish in my praying but I first told God that I knew His timing was best and that since we had waited this many months anyway, then I could wait a few more weeks. But then I was real with Him and I told Him that deep down I would love it if we could get into court earlier than the 4-6 weeks. I even added that He could give it to me for Mothers Day and I would gladly have that as a graduation present over anything else I could get. And He did it! I have to be honest I'm used to God having me learn patience or waiting on His timing, but this time I must have passed the test, because my prayer was answered. Ok, I know my prayers are always answered and that sometimes it's a no instead of a yes, but sometimes the no feels like it wasn't answered. Anyway, this ended up being a very long explanation for sharing that we are finalizing. I will keep you all posted. Thanks for all the prayers.

p.s. by the way I should have more time to blog and keep people posted because I resigned from my job. I feel that I need to have more time to be a good wife and mother and not pulled in so many directions. I'm going to substitute teach so that I'm getting out of the house enough, but can say no when I need to be somewhere for Martie or have something that needs my attention.

New Treatment

Oh, I also wanted to share that I think we are going to put-off doing the all natural fertility stuff and we are going to do an all-natural treatment for my bipolar.  I'm just leary about trying drugs right away, but I will do it if I have to, I just want to try herbs and vitamins if I can.  Anyway, I just thought I should share that too since I have been sharing my thoughts and things about my bopolar.