Pruning

Ok, I bet you are wondering about the title to this post. It's sounds weird.....but it's what God is doing to me right now. I know it's for the best, but it does not make it any easier. I've already told my family this, and of course Scott knows about it, too. I will share it with you. Please don't fight me on this. I held off on telling my family about it because I feared that they would think I was giving up on my faith. I'm not giving up on my faith, in fact right now I have to have more faith than ever before. God has been speaking to me for awhile now and I've been fighting Him. It's been making me miserable in the process. God told me that I will never bear my own children.....yes, that is a very hard thing to take in. (that's why I've been fighting it). I've been angry, I've been in denial, and so many other things along the way. But now I'm coming to the acceptance part. Whenever I've told people that we are going to keep trying for our own it's been more trying to convince myself that it can happen. It won't happen, it's not part of God's plan for us. I asked Him the other night why it had to be me. "Why can't You pick on someone else, why me?" The answer?? (God speaking) "Melissa, why wouldn't I pick you?" In other words, God has specially picked me to love and raise children that will be on earth no matter what and will just be tossed away. Even Scott told me that I have a gift to love other peoples children. This is not an easy thing to digest. It's been my life's desire to get pregnant and enjoy a life growing inside me. But it's not going to happen. It's still hard to see a pregnant woman, and I will still go through some grieving (who wouldn't), but I have given it up to God. I'm putting my faith and trust in Him to give us the children that we so desire. Maybe it will be the two girls (still haven't heard anything). I am now praying that God will allow us to adopt an infant so I can experience that part (even though so many people tell me I'm lucky if I can skip that). I still hang on to the idea that I will see three babies in Heaven that started out life in my womb, but were called home. Actually, I got a poem from a friend that I would like to share. It brought tears to my eyes, and then I printed it out to hang on my wall.

HEAVEN'S NURSERY
In Heaven there must surely be
A special place, a nursery
Where 'little spirits' not fully grown
Go to live in their Heavenly home.

The angels must attend with love
Tiny spirits on wings of doves,
The choir of angels must sing lullabies
Maybe quieten their tiny cries.

The Father must come by each day
To cuddle and play in a special way
These tiny spirits left earth too soon
Little ones called Home from the womb.

These sparks of life did not perish
But came to the Father's love to cherish,
To grow and be taught in His own arms
Safely away from all earthly harm.

The comforter was sent to earth at once
To the parents who lost their little one
Their hearts so ache, their arms feel empty
The question 'why' seems so tempting.

Then all at once in the midst of tears
There comes a peace that stills the fears
The parents share the Father's own need
To hold their tiny spirit being.

They relinquish their own desperate hold
And release their baby to the Father's fold,
Then comes an angel to whisper the truth
Of a nursery in Heaven bearing rich fruit

Of tiny spirits chosen to worship the Father
A place that couldn't be filled by another,
Called to be spared from the struggles of earth,
Chosen to be one of Heaven's births.

So Father, whisper words of love from me
To our unborn 'life' in your nursery.

(isn't that beautiful?)

A Blessing From God

I will be the first to admit that I've been through a lot in my 26 years in this world. Yes, there are those that have been through worse than me, but during my trials I feel like I'm worse off than anyone else ever could be. (that would be my selfish nature coming out) And I know deep down that even in all the bad that happens, God has a good and perfect plan for me. He can turn something bad into something good. I have had moments when I clearly see that and this is one of them. And right now I feel like all that I've been through is worth it, if it helps another person. Ok, if I was in the middle of it I would not be thinking that. I'm not one of those people that gets a flat tire and says "Praise the Lord!" No, I get mad just like anyone else would. But then later when I see how it kept me from a fatal car accident I do thank God for what He did. If my trials can help another person or encourage them to go on, I can make it through. I should feel blessed that even if my girls didn't get to live on earth, they are touching lives. What a proud mommy moment. (it doesn't make me miss them any less). If nothing else good comes from this blog, I hope that it can encourage someone that is going through hard times. I remember at one time on my blog I prayed that God would use it to bless someone. Thank you, Jesus, that you used it for a good purpose. It's always after the rain and the storm that you see the rainbow.....and aren't rainbows such a beautiful blessing from God?

A little bit of news!!!

I had to blog about this. I just got a little bit of news from my social worker. They should have the meeting planned by this Friday. So we could find out within a couple weeks (for real this time) that we are going to have two little girls. My heart is pounding, I'm so excited. But I'm even more nervous than excited. I think about what if they don't pick us.....then I think...what if they do pick us???? These are the same feelings that I get when I have suspected that I'm pregnant. I will so keep everyone posted. This is so exciting.

For my girls

Dear Angel and Amanda,
Mommy misses you so much. I've been thinking about you a lot. It's getting closer to when it would have been your birthday. We have our names submitted to adopt two little girls. If we get them we will have two little girls just like we were supposed to have. Are you keeping your great-grandpa in line? He can be ornery, but he's a lot of fun. I bet you already know all that. I told him before he went to Heaven that he needed to take care of you two. Actually, I told him about your older brother, also. I hope you found him too. I know he has a different daddy than you do, but he is still just as special. You all three have the same heavenly Father, and he's the one who takes care of you now. I can't tell you how much I really do miss you guys. I wish I could have held you and kept you for a while longer. Well, I have to go for now. Remember how much I love you.
Love,
Mommy

I think I figured it out

I think I figured it out........I figured out why I've been so baby sensitive lately. My baby Amanda Joy was supposed to be born in the month of April (or end of March) and I've been grieving over her. I never really took the time to grieve over her when she died in August. I made myself be tough and not cry over her like I should have. My anger is part of the grieving process.....it's normal. And it's good that I've been letting it out. Now I just need to go have a good cry and let it all out. I do have a letter that I wrote to Amanda in September. I think I will share it.

9/2/07
Amanda,
I know you wn't be able to recieve this letter, but I want to write it to you. We chose your name because the meaning is true. We love you even if we never got to meet you or know you. You are already in Heaven but I hope you found your sister, Angel. YOu make sure she takes care of you. She's been in Heaven for 2 years now so she'll show you around. We miss you both so much. We're trying so hard to adopt a little boy, so if we do you'll have an older brother. We'll tell him about you. I hope in remembering you we pay attention to your middle name. We need to remember to have the joy of the Lord in all situations. We also have to remember Angel's middle name, Faith. We have to keep the faith as well as joy. We can't wait to meet you at the gates of Heaven. God will let you know when we're coming. I love you more than you know.
Love,
Mommy

Can I add as a sidenote (I just realized this too) that I think God chose the names that we picked for our little girls. Faith and Joy.....those are the two things I am struggling with now.....Ok, God, I get the message.

another added note: I didn't mention this in the letter, but the meaning that i found for the name Amanda that made me choose it was "she who must be loved"

Have any of you ever been stabbed or anything of the kind? I just wondered if anyone knew how painful it really is to have that happen. I never have and that's the only thing I have to compare my pain to. If any of you have been reading my blog you know that the desire of my heart is a child. What I don't always let on is how much it hurts. It seems like when I'm hurting the most is when I hear about everyone in the world getting pregnant. And when I hear that it feels like something stabbing my heart and I can't get rid of the pain. Sometimes my arms just ache. This sounds crazy (and hopefully I don't get admitted to the psych ward) but there are times that I sneak to my basement and I grab a doll of mine and just pretend that I have a baby. But my arms literally ache to hold a child of my own (or that's been adopted). Sometimes it just hurts so bad that I have to hold something to make it feel better. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but that's how it is. I get so tired of putting on my mask of joy and happiness, when deep down I'm angry, bitter, and so, so disapointed. I can grieve over it and feel better and just about the time that the wound has almost healed shut, bam, I hear about another pregnancy and the wound is ripped open. And I try so hard to keep a smile on my face and act excited (because if I were ever pregnant I would be so excited and want others to be just as excited). I know it's only fair to act excited for the new life, but deep down I just hurt. I smile big and try to distract people from the fact that my lip is quivering and if I try and say anything I will lose my cool and start crying. I just don't understand God's plan. I know that He has promised that He has a good and perfect plan, but what happened to the plan for me? What happened to that? Why won't He give me the desire of my heart when he gives so many others the desires of their hearts? I just don't get it. I know this is probably depressing, but maybe, just maybe if someone reads this they might understand the feelings going on inside of me....or maybe it will help others understand what goes on inside of me when I'm really wearing a mask to cover up the hurt and pain I feel. I will admit that I am angry and probably a little bitter.....ok, a lot bitter. I guess maybe that's my prayer request. That I would maybe give up my anger and bitterness. And that I would understand the will of God in my life.....just pray for me.

Great Weekend

Wow!! I had the best weekend. I needed it. My parents came back for the weekend and Matt and Tanna came too (with Jaelyn of course). It was busy and exhausting, but so much fun. I couldn't hardly stay awake at work today, but it was worth it. I miss them already. And it is so exciting, Jaelyn is walking now, and she says my name (Issa). I really think she's a genius......but I'm not biased in my opinion am I....lol! Oh, and if you ask her how old she will be on her birthday she will hold up one finger. Matt and Tanna said that they've been working on that with her. I hope if we get to be parents that we are parents like them.

It was a great weekend. I really think that we need to get Topeka and Alta Vista moved closer to Healy. I think the middle part of the state and the eastern part need to switch places. Can I get that done?

I still have not heard anything about the girls. Scott and I are getting very frustrated. If we can't have our own, then we are okay adopting, but they have to let us adopt. I guess I'll share the story. So far there is only one other family interested in the girls besides us. But they are not even able to adopt through KCSL yet. They are giving them 2-3 months to get their stuff done. You know, when we wanted to adopt two other little girls, we were not allowed to submit our names until we had everything done....which we didn't get done in time to submit for those girls. AAAAHHHH!!! It makes me so mad. I just don't get it. But we are still really excited about Scott's new eye and the fact that he is still cancer-free (has been since October 2007). I'm so proud of him. He's a strong guy and he's had such a good attitude. But any of you who know him, know that he's ornery. Well, I gotta go take a nap. My family wore me out. I'll clean my house later (fameous last words...lol).

Lord, I have not prayed on my blog for awhile. Please bless those that read it. Help Scott and I to be patient with everything. We know that you have a plan for our lives and that it is for our good. I know I get down, but just be patient with me and I'll eventually figure out that You are truly in control. Thank you, Lord, for family and friends that I can laugh with and be cheered up by. You are awesome. I love you!!!

Life gets discouraging

I'm not really sure exactly what I'm going to say. But I've been having a hard time here lately and it's time that I journal a little. Maybe by blogging I can help myself and maybe help some others that might be feeling some of the same things sometime. I've been getting so discouraged. I don't understand sometimes what my purpose in life is. I'm not sure if I should be doing more singing, should I be working harder to have children, or should I just focus on nothing. I have a job that I love (working with 3-5 year olds), and I am the worship leader at my church, but is that all I'm supposed to do. My big dream is to still be a mommy. And it seems that it's just not going to happen. I feel like God is even closing the door to adopting. We've submitted our names and just cannot get chosen to adopt any children. Am I destined to never be a mommy? I also just can't see that Scott and I will ever have our own children. I have too many womanly problems, and of course Scott's chances of producing children are very small (his count is very low). When I look at everything we have been through I should not have anything to even be discouraged. God has brought Scott and I through a very long and hard trial with cancer that just drained us. Now we are on the upside of it and I keep finding things that I'm not happy with. I keep thinking that if God will not bless us with children (adoption or birth) then maybe we need to focus on music. But sometimes I feel like God has shut the door on an outside music ministry (because he did call me to be the worship leader). And of course the more I want a child, the more pregnant women I see and meet. I get so angry sometimes. And it's not that I really dislike the women, it's just that I resent that they are mommies and I'm not. It's nothing personal against them. And I get angry when it seems so easy for those women to get pregnant. I have a sis-in-law (scott's sister) that has been able to choose the exact moment she concieved. It seems like so much work for Scott and I to try to get me pregnant that we have pretty much given up. And I keep trying to remember the movie "Facing the Giants" and preparing my field for the rain (I think I discussed this in an earlier blog), but I get so discouraged that God will never send "the rain." What am I doing wrong? Sometimes I wish that I would find out that we were just missing an important part of conception. Kind of a duh thing. Then it would be easy to get pg. But I'm pretty sure we do know what to do....it just doesn't work. Well, I guess that's enough getting depressed. The good thing is that when I write or type then I feel better, so after you read this I'm probably already feeling better. Thanks for letting me vent.

Still a little graphic, keep the warning in mind.

These pics are all from the same photo shoot. (lol....Scott was just so excited to be the model). They were all taken on February 1, 2008. There are so many because I couldn't figure out which picture was the best. I'll post them all so you can see it from all the angles. There is no packing in the eye socket, because there is no hole to put it. To me that makes it no so graphic, but others may feel different. Here goes:

And of course as soon as Scott gets his new eye I will probably be taking lots more pictures. I'll make sure to blog those too.

Warning.....this may be a little graphic!!!

Howdy. I thought I would see how brave everyone is. We get so many questions as to how Scott's eye socket is doing and I thought it would be interesting to show you what I get so see almost everyday. Scott is doing very well with all of this. In fact he started changing his packing and patch by himself. So he sees it as much as I do if not more. His attitude is still great and we did find out some wonderful news today. Scott will be getting his new eye in about two weeks. We have to go down to OKC to get it done and then every year he will have to go down and get it cleaned and replaced, but that's nothing compared to what we've already been through. Enjoy the pics.....if you can handle it...lol.













These first pictures were taken December 8, 2007. They are still pretty graphic, but better than it was at first. I took these pictures with the packing in the socket. I was still too grossed out to look at the actual eye socket.

These pictures were taken December 28, 2007. As you can see the area with packing is a little smaller. Again, it still has the packing in it and I think I had just went and seen the dr change the packing. By that time it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

These pics were taken January 3, 2008. So they are more recent. We still have some packing but not much. It's still a little gross, but getting better. It's just a little weird to see Scott without that eye. We both get weirded out a little when we look at old pictures of Scott. We know that the eye that was there, isn't there anymore.




Ok, I guess that is enough for this blog. But I'm going to put some more pictures on the next one. The other pics are not quite as gross, but still maybe a little graphic, and just strange to look at.

Still Waiting

Well, here I am still waiting for news from the social worker. Sometimes I really wish that God didn't think that I needed to learn patience. It is the hardest lesson for me to learn. I say that because I really have yet to learn patience. But I have learned that I should not ask for patience....cause then God gives me the practice....lol. Anyway, I figured so many people are really wondering about the adoption situation....and you all know about as much as I do whether or not we will get the girls. One thing that I am excited about is that I'm going to see my family this weekend. I don't know how many times I have cried over missing them. It's so hard when I don't really have a lot of people that I hang out with when they are gone. It also doesn't help that Scott and I get so busy that we can't hardly find time to spend with other people. But maybe that's just my escape. To be perfectly honest, I've really been struggling with a little bit of depression. Nothing serious, just enough that I don't feel like myself. Sometimes I get to feeling so left out. I feel like my music is pretty much non-existent.....and that's hard for me. And of course I'm like the only person in the world that does not have children, and that's the hardest for me. I go back and forth when I think about the girls. somedays I think.....oh we'll get them for sure. There's no way they won't pick us. and then other days I sit down and think.....they'll never pick us, we're not ever going to be parents. I don't know.....I can't even hardly explain the feelings that I've had. I have done a good job of putting on a mask so that people don't question me....and that includes my husband. it's just so hard to try and explain what I'm feeling when I don't quite understand it myself. Ok, this turned into one big vent session. That is not what I started out doing. And I hope that I don't depress anyone. That was not my intention. Well, I better go. I guess I will try and remember to keep posting so everyone knows how we are doing. Love you all!

busy, busy, busy

It gets way too busy around my house. And we don't even have children....yet. I really don't know what we will do if/when we have kids. Anyway, life is going good. Scott's eye socket is no longer a hole. It is all filled in. He will be seeing the dr who will do the fake eye in February. We are both excited and nervous about that.
Now on to our biggest news right now. We have submitted our names to adopt two little girls. I can't give out info on here, but they are 7 and 4. We should find out within two weeks whether we get them or now. We won't have them right away, but it will be exciting if we find out they will be ours. I hope we have them by the summer, but we'll see. We will take it as slow as we need to. Other than that I really can't think of anything new. Which is good in our case. I was getting so sick of not knowing where or how our life was going to go. It's a lot more predictable now. Well, I can't make this too long. I'm still a little busy. I'll keep everyone posted on the adoption situation.
God Bless You All!!!

Praise The Lord!!!

Yay!!! Scott does not have cancer in his liver or anywhere else. The tests came back that all that he has is a fatty liver. It is not a serious thing, in fact they didn't even comment about it except to say that's what it is. What a relief. It is so scary having to wait for results, when you don't know how serious it is. I don't know what else to say about it except Praise The Lord!

But still be praying for us. We are going to Wichita on January 11th to see a fertility specialist. A real fertility specialist....the expensive kind. I'm a little nervous about them being able to help us have a baby, but I guess even if they say we can't, at least we will know. I say this now, but if they say that I will be very depressed for awhile....just to warn everyone. In the long run it will be good to know, but I will be sad. But wouldn't it be great if they say "oh...just do this and it will happen." Maybe 2008 will be our baby year....I hope so. Well, it's late and we are going to Garden tomorrow to get the packing changed again in Scott's eye. And I still have to post the pics of his eye patch. We haven't been too creative in the past week, but with him going back to work, they will make him be creative and draw or write on it. Anyway, hope the new year is going great for everyone already. Love ya'll!

I don't have patience

Hello everyone. I haven't posted anymore pictures of Scott in a while, but I do have some that I need to get on here. I just don't have my camera with me at the computer. He has been just as ornery about putting funny things on his patch. And yesterday I got to go watch them change the packing in the eye socket. It's really not that bad. I guess I've become numb to all that with having to change the patch all the time. But it was cool, the hole is only big enough to put a marble in....and my dad said at first it was big enough to put a golf ball in it.

Well, now on to why I wanted to blog today. Yesterday, not only did we get the packing changed, but Scott had an appt to have a chest x-ray and a ct scan of his chest and abdomen. Usually that's not so bad, but I'm so nervous about it. They had him come in because when they did his blood work his liver count was up. This can mean many things, but one thing is cancer. With Scott's history you can see why I'm nervous. We don't know the results as of now, but they are supposed to get them any day. They thought it might be today, but we didn't get any phone calls from them. I hope it wasn't much of anything that made his levels go up. It just scares me because the type of cancer he had in his eye is known to spread......to the liver usually. Well, I gotta go and get ready to go to Scott City. Everyone have a wonderful day. I'll post those pictures sometime in the next day or two.

What a wacky, crazy, husband I have!

Here are a couple of pictures of Scott again. He has been really creative and has some more great ideas fothe rest of the week. The picture with the Christmas Tree was from last Friday and the other picture is from today. I took two angles for the last picture. It looks a little gross, but the Pollock Family in Alta Vista knows what it really is. Here goes....

By the way...that's supposed to be a postage stamp....notice the 41 in the corner?

It's a plastic eyeball that came from some funny glasses Scott got for Christmas from my parents. Here, I'll show you the picture of the glasses...

Boy did we have a fun weekend at my parents house. It started out very interesting. I'll leave that for another post. This one is interesting enough and I have to keep you all coming back for more funny stories.

Here he goes again...

I think I will be posting almost everyday for awhile. Just to post the pictures of Scott. He has come up with some really great ideas for his eye patch. Keep checking for the latest.

Batter Up.....



Enjoy the wacky mind of my husband. :)

When life gives you lemons.....

You know the saying "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"? I think that is my husband's new favorite saying. You would not believe what he did today. Ok, if you know him you would believe it. He decided to have some fun with his eye patch. He drew an eye on it....well, just look for yourself:




You better believe that it's never boring at our house with Scott around. I hope this brightens everyones day. Everyone have a very Merry Christmas. I should be able to blog in the next couple of days. We are expected to have some major winter weather tonight and all day tomorrow. Have a great day.

It's been too long....again.

When I was up in Monnesota a few weeks ago, my Grandma and my sister-in-law told me that I needed to start blogging again. I was told that they look forward to it. So I decided to get started....again. We've been so busy since February (the last post). Most people that read this will know that Scott lost his eye in October. So I guess all the posts that said I was tired of the cancer and wanted it gone are over. We don't have any cancer to worry about anymore....as long as it didn't spread. Now I guess we need to start thinking about starting our family. I'm a little leary yet. We had a little boy in our home and let's just say that he was great birth control. I even told Scott I wanted to quit "trying." So we were actually in preventive mode. That is until we went to Minn. at the beginning of November. We had a little "fling" and now it has me wondering if I'm pregnant. I've been having symptoms (like getting sick, food cravings, sore areas on my body, etc.). I keep waiting for the "special visitor", but she won't show up. Is it my time? Was God just waiting for me to really give it up? And trust me I had given it up. I even told people I refused to have kids after that little boy. I think my words were something like, "I am never having kids after this little boy." Now that I think of it, Scott told people he was never getting married and then he married me like 2 or 3 years later. (which means he met me shortly after he said that). Scott told me around the time that I maybe got pg that he felt that God was telling him we were going to get a blessing. But he wasn't sure what kind of blessing. Then my Grandma Gayle told me that she prayed very hard that same week that we would concieve. If I am pg, the baby is due around Scott's birthday (July 26). And then I've had those people tell me they think I'm having twins.....I guess we'll see.
Now I'm rambling really bad. That's what happens when you don't blog for months and months. I'm hoping to make this a regular part of life again. Scott told me that it's good for me to blog. I get all my feelings out and others can see what's going on with us. I guess if I am pg you will all know it very shortly. Maybe it can be our way of giving a great Christmas present to everyone. I've always wanted to announce our pregnancy at Christmas. Well, I'll stop for now so this isn't too long. And if I forget to blog regularly, remind me to do it. I guess I will end this like I used to end my posts.

Lord, I've been struggling. I've had some losses in my life lately. Our baby Amanda Joy in August, Scott's eye in October, and my Grandpa in November. Lord, please help me to lean on you in all this. I also pray that Your will would be done in this pg situation. I will choose to love you no matter what. If I'm pg I will love you and if I'm not I will still love you. You know what is best for us and even if we want something you know when it's the best timing for us to have it. Thank you so much for all you have done for us. I love you!

Gosh, time goes by way too fast and I get way too busy with things. I need to start remembering that I have to blog. That way people know what's going on with my life. As far as the cancer goes we are waiting right now. We had the surgery to take out the tissue and then the pathologist in OKC did their stuff and then they wanted to get a second opinion so they sent it on to Atlanta Georgia. So we find out on the 15th of Feb. (just in time for my b-day). We do have another appointment this Tuesday so we go down Monday and come home Tuesday afternoon/evening. These trips are getting so old.

Ok, on to some news that's alot more interesting. The couple that we stay with in OKC are friends with some foster parents down there. Well, I got a phone call from Steph (the wife) and she said this foster mother wanted to know if she knew anyone interested in adopting a little baby girl. She immediately thought of us. Steph called me and asked if we were still looking into adopting. I told her yes, that we had just put it on hold for a little bit. She wants us to look very hard into adopting this little baby. I don't know how it will work (if it even will) but I'm so excited. Scott told me that he's very excited. I don't want to get too excited because we don't even know yet if it will work, but wouldn't that be great. Steph thinks that the baby is between 4 and 6 months old. So it would be so much fun to get her. She's just the age that I wanted to be able to adopt. And I wanted to adopt a girl so bad. I hope we can get a bunch of people praying that it might work out. I had just decided that it would be best to wait and have kids later ( I wanted to work for a year first). My plan was that I was going to lose weight between now and our anniversary (October) and then we would try and get pregnant with some drugs. I was going to try and find a job for the school year and then get pregnant sometime between our anniversary and Christmas to have the baby in the summer. Maybe by me giving it all up to God and not pushing it, I'm going to get it sooner than I think (just without the pregnancy). Wouldn't that just be awesome. I told my mom about it and she got excited and told me it would be great to have two grandkids in the same year. AAAAAHHHHH!!! I guess so much for not getting too excited. LOL!

Lord, I just pray that your will be done in our lives. If you want us to adopt this little baby girl, then you will make it happen. Help us to be patient and to wait on you for everything. If this isn't what you want for us yet, please give us the wisdom to know. We want your timing in our lives. Thank you so much for all you have done. I also pray that the results from the labs in Atlanta come back as NO CANCER. But even in that we pray that your will be done. Give us the strength to take whatever the news is. We love you so much. Amen.

My God-Story

Ok, I promised that I would tell you all about my God-story from Oklahoma City. Here it is:

I got to go back with Scott to get prepped for surgery (IV in and change clothes, etc.) and when they took him to the O.R. I had to go to the waiting room. When I got out there, I saw a woman in a wheelchair. She wheeled over to me and said, "It's my husbands wheelchair, I'm just using it while he's in surgery." I thought, ok, no problem, none of my business. She commented to me about the artwork on the walls (which was beautiful). But then she came over and put the chair next to me and started telling me about her husband and how sick he was and how many problems she's had (which I have to admit at first made me feel very weird). I kept thinking, ok, enough, I don't know you so please leave me alone. But I kept my mouth shut and listened. She told me how her husband has diabetes, he's had many eye surgeries, and that now his kidneys aren't working and he's on dialasis because he doesn't qualify for a kidney transplant. She's had a couple of knee surgeries and finds it hard to care for her husband so he was in a home for awhile. He was in having cataract surgery at the time. I was feeling bad for her and their situation and figured that she must just need to vent and get it out, so I let her keep going. When she got done telling me about their health problems, she asked me who I was waiting for. I told her my husband and that he was having surgery on his eye because he has had cancer. She told me that it was too bad because we were so young, but she added that we needed to trust in God everyday because that was the only thing that was going to get us through. When she said that, she had my undivided attention. Not many people are going to say that in the middle of the waiting room to a complete stranger. So I agreed with her that we needed to do that and that prayer was one of the only things that kept us going at times. Well, that started a great conversation with her. She told me some stories about her and her husband that I thought were awesome. She said that they were just about broke because of their health problems and that her husband couldn't work anymore. But since he's in a wheelchair they had needed a van that was wheelchair accessable. So, she prayed about it and the next thing she knew someone was asking her if she knew of anyone needing a van. This person was wanting to give away a van (for free) to someone needing it. So she got her van. Then they needed a wheelchair lift, so she prayed for that. I can't remember all the details but she ended up talking to someone and they wanted to know if she knew of anyone needing a wheelchair lift built into a van. There was a group of guys that built those for community service projects (like from prison or something.....I don't know) but again God provided what they needed. Her story inspired me to trust in God and let Him do a work in our lives. About that time her husband was out of surgery and she went back to see him. She came back out with him a bit later and wheeled him over to the door. Then she walked over to me, sat next to me on the couch and asked if she could pray for me and Scott. I was so overwhelmed I could hardly say yes. And then I could hardly keep from crying. I told her when she was done praying that I would pray for her and her husband and she said she would pray for us. I just know that she was sent from God to encourage me and lift me up. I needed it just at that time. I don't know where she lives, what her last name is, or even her husbands name. I only heard the nurse say her name, Susan. I don't know if I will ever see Susan again or ever get to talk to her, but I know that I will always remember her and the encouragement I got from her. I can't wait to see her again in Heaven if I don't see her on Earth again. Thank you, Lord for sending people into our lives to encourage us.

Winter in more than one way

I have decided that it's winter in more than one way. It is winter outside (and it's a bad winter) with snow and ice. But it also seems like winter in our lives. It seems like we are at the lowest point of our lives (together). We have been fighting the cancer for almost a year now and I have to say that I'm sick of it. There are times that I just want to scream, hit, or throw something. I can't wait until the spring, literally and in our lives. I can't wait until this is all over and we can start over fresh and new without the cancer. Maybe if that happens we can start to worry about getting pregnant again. Looking back it seems silly that we worried so much (ok, I worried so much) about trying to get pregnant. I want kids, but I couldn't imagine going through this cancer with kids to take care of. Oh, I would do it if I had to, but isn't it great how God does know what is best in our lives. All I can say is: "Hurry up, Spring!"

Ok, now to let you all in on what's happening so far. Of course we had Scott's surgery and that all went well and the eye is healing great, (and I still have to share my God story). We go back on Monday and I'm guessing we will find out the results then. If the results say no cancer, then we are done for now (unless it comes back). But, if it is cancer we go again for surgery and they will take enough of the eyelid that the eyelid will have to be reconstructed. I'm a little scared, but I shouldn't be I guess (0r should I). Scott is feeling good right now, the eye isn't as swollen and it's not as purple (it's more red now). I hope he can handle another surgery if we have to. He should, he's tough. And I'll be right there for him.

Ok, I have to share this (only because it turned out so well) but this morning Scott was going to Hays for something at work and he and another guy took a Sharp Bros. truck. Well, about 11:30 he called me and told me he had been in an accident. Ok, I stayed pretty calm (unlike me) and he told me nobody was hurt and that they were ok, just shaken up. He said they were on interstate and they were going over a bridge and a semi was trying to pass them. I guess they lost control and thought they were going over the bridge, thank goodness they made it past the bridge, missed the semi, and just ended up in the ditch. He said they didn't roll, but they almost did. If I had known how bad it was out there I wouldn't have felt ok about him going. I would have made him stay home (if that's even possible). But at least no one was hurt. The ironic thing was that one of my first thoughts was, "I would rather have him alive to fight the cancer than gone." I mean come on, I want the cancer gone, but when his life is threatened by something else I pray that he sticks around to fight the cancer. It's funny how a person thinks sometimes. Well, I'm gonna go hang out with my sister. I'll try and remember to come back and tell my God story and let everyone know how things are going. We love you all!

Cancer, surgery, more cancer, more surgery

Ok, it's been way too long since I posted. We've been so busy it's not funny. Of course I posted when I was in Topeka about the ice storm and being stuck and then we went right from Topeka to our appointment in Oklahoma City (4th), then home and I started babysitting on Monday (8th) and then we had a very last minute trip to Oklahoma City again this past week when our new Dr wanted to do another biopsy on Scott's eyelid and that happened on Friday (12th). Wow! What a crazy couple of weeks. And just before that was Christmas which can get to be hectic just in itself. Ok, I bet everyone wants details about the surgery and how things went. I'll start from the beginning and then when I'm at the end....I'll stop. (I kind of stole that from a line out of Disney's Alice in Wonderland...hehe). Here goes:

Ok, at our last appointment in December (can't remember the date) we went to see a new doctor, a plastic surgeon, because Dr. Chodosh wanted to get another biopsy of Scott's eyelid and wanted the plastic surgeon to do it. We were kind of discouraged after that appointment because we felt like they didn't know what they were doing and well, we were just frustrated that we still weren't done with the cancer. Then we went in on the 4th of January and the Dr's knew more of what they wanted to do. The plastic surgeon (I won't type his name because I can't spell it) told us that we had two options with getting the tissue for the biopsy. He was going to either take the whole lesion or just take a "cookie cutter" and cut out circles of tissue to send in. Each one was going to have it's risks. If they took out the whole thing they had to go deep enough into the tissue of the eyelid that Scott would have to have reconstruction done and the function would probably never be the same. If he took out the circles then what if the cancer seeded deeper into the eyelid, would the chances of the cancer be greater? What if they took out the whole thing, messed up the function and then it turned out not to be cancer? But what if it was? Which risks were better to take? We were given until the 10th to decide what we wanted to do. We chatted with our families and got their opinions. Then we took what they said and came up with more questions for the Dr. (by the way our families wanted us to get the whole thing out whether it was cancer or not). We called both Dr's and talked again with them on the 8th and 9th. We were also told that we had to make a quick decision because there was an open surgery time on Friday (12th). We finally made our decision and told him to take the circles out for the biopsy. So on we went back down to OKC.

Scott's surgery went very well. We had to be there at 7:45 and surgery was at 9:00. It was a shorter surgery than the last one and they didn't put him out completely. He was just really drugged up and was half in and out. He was able to talk to them and they were able to talk to him. But I had a God moment in the waiting room while I was there. I won't tell you that story yet, but I will blog about it next time. It was so cool. But anyway, he got out of surgery at about 9:45 and we were able to leave about 10:00 or 10:15. The only bad thing about having the surgery when we did was that there was an ice storm going through OKC that started on Thursday night went on Friday and didn't let up until this morning (Saturday) We left anyway to come home and went through the 2nd one that was heading their way and made it home before the third one, which is supposed to hit tomorrow (Sunday). I guess that's the price you pay when you have cancer (or the possibility of more). We will find out this next week whether it is cancer or not in the eyelid. If it's not than we are done for now unless it comes back. But if it is, we look at another surgery for sure to take out the whole thing (which will ruin the eyelid) and I don't know if they will do the reconstruction during that surgery or have another surgery later. But if that happens Scott's eye will never look the same. I will accept it because it means the cancer will be gone, but his eyes are so beautiful (am I allowed to say that about a guys eyes?) that I might be a little sad. So now we are back to the familiar game of "Wait and See." We go back for sure on the 22nd of January to see the plastic surgeon and then to see Dr. Chodosh on February 13th. Oh, I want it to be over so bad. Then there's always the thought that the cancer has already spread and is just waiting to show it's ugly face. We were told that it could be somewhere else and just waiting to show up at a later time. I really hope not. But I guess we deal with it if it happens.

What kind of stinks right now is that I seem to get stressed out about all the trips, the thought of the cancer taking my husband, and other things, and when I'm stressed I tend to eat more and that does not work when you are trying to lose weight. I'm not one of those that loses weight when stressed or nervous, I eat and gain weight. Plus, being gone so much doesn't help me develop an exercise schedule. Ok, this should be the last thing on my mind while fighting cancer with my husband, but I just can't help it. I want to lose the weight for him, so he can have a better looking wife. Well, that's all all for now, but I'll blog in the next day or so and tell you my God story from the waiting room.

Still in Topeka

Well, here I am still in Topeka. We were supposed to leave today and go home, but we can't. They have declared a state of emergency where we are from. The people in our hometown told us we are to stay where we are. There is no power, no water, and they don't think we will have power until the middle of next week (maybe). We are leaving here on Wednesday, but not to go home. We are going to OKC for Scott's next cancer appt. (more about that in another paragraph). I'm torn right now. I don't want to go home because I dread what is going on there and I guess I would like to be away from it to pretend it didn't happen, but at the same time I am anxious to get home to be with the family that I have there. They are there trying to stay warm and sane in all the mess. We will try to get home on Thursday or Friday, but we don't know if we will even go home then, but I think we are going to try. It seems so weird that our town is going through all of this. Maybe it would seem more real if we were there in it. I hope everything turns out ok. I guess we will always remember this New Years. I also wonder if my brother and sister (in-law) are going to get sick of us. They said that they are glad that we got to stay, but there may come a time in the next day that they are so ready for us to go home. I don't want to wear out our welcome, that would not be cool.Ok, I guess on to the other paragraph I was talking about. I am so worried about Scott. My parents are worried too. My dad just talked to someone from Minnesota who had a son diagnosed with ocular melanoma and he only live about a year to a year and a half. My dad thinks that with all the recurrences we should have the Dr just take the whole eyeball and eyelid. I'm so torn, I would love it if they could save the eye, but if it means my husband living, I am ready for them to just take it out and get rid of it. I think about what I mentioned in one of my other blogs (about him dying) and I pray that it doesn't happen. But I will say that he has two more spots on his eyeball that look like the others did. I was hoping that 2007 would bring us a year without cancer (since we spent 3/4 of last year dealing with it). But it looks like the beginning of this year will be a continuation of last year. I hope I have the strength to go on. It's interesting really, I have found myself just sitting near Scott and trying to memorize all the looks he gets. I would love to start taking pictures of him just in case. I just stare at him hoping that if anything happens to him that I will always remember the little looks he gets. The serious ones, the silly ones, and the ones he gets when he's concentrating on something. If I were to lose him, I just pray that I would be able to go on. I waited so long for him to be in my life (I'll have to share that story sometime), and now I just hope that I get to be with him for a long time.Ok, that's enough. I don't need to get down already. I guess I just needed this time to share my feelings. I have yet to cry over all this cancer. I've tried to be tough and keep it all inside. I guess I'm afraid that if I break down that Scott will quit being strong through it all. This is my place to at least vent (even if I don't cry). Thank you for letting me vent.Dear Lord, I don't want to lose faith that you can heal Scott, but Lord, the truth is that you could take Scott anytime you want to. You have a plan for it all and that may include Scott going to Heaven in the near future. I pray that you would do your will in all this. Heal Scott if that's your will, and if not, please comfort his family, my family and me. I pray that I would always remember that no matter what you are my all and all I need is you to go on. I love Scott, but you are my strength and I love you more. Please forgive me for the times I have been bitter towards you with the baby thing. Forgive me for the other day when I said that you are just there teasing me with the baby thing. You love me and you want the best for me. Remind me of that. Keep us safe as we travel to OKC on Wednesday and then home on Thursday or Friday. I love you so much.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope everyone is having a great New Years Eve Day. Scott and I are having a blast. We got to visit my brother and sister (in-law). We hadn't seen them for so long and it was time to visit. I don't know how they feel, but I have loved being at their place. They are such lucky ducks today, they got tickets to the Chiefs game for today.......and I know they are going to have a blast. Scott and I (the old married couple we are) are going to take naps today so we can stay up tonight with the newlyweds ;) Scott's getting a little worried because as we watch the weather we aren't completely sure we will get to leave tomorrow like we planned. Western Kansas has been getting major ice and snow the past few days and now it looks like it has travelled east and we may be getting it here today and tomorrow. It wouldn't bother me if we got snowed in here, but I don't know if I would be the only one to feel that way. Scott is worried about work, and Matt and Tanna might be ready for us to get out of their hair (I know they love us, but there is such a thing as over-staying). Well, anyway(s) (haha....Tanna understands) the main thing is that we've had the greatest time here and it was wonderful to spend time with my baby brother and his wife (my new sister). By the way, have I mentioned before that they are having a baby? I can't wait to meet her, she's my first niece on my side! Jaelyn Lerae (isn't her name beautiful?) Ok, that's enough for today. I'll have to keep everyone posted on how we get home tomorrow (if we get to go home). Everyone have a great New Years and be safe. Let this be a time that you start over and forget the past, a time of healing and renewing your relationship with God.

Lord, I pray that you would take this time to show me how to change my life in this new year. I pray that you would forgive the ways I sinned and went against you this past year. I pray that this new year would be a new start for me (and Scott). I pray that you would do Your will in this cancer. If it be your will please heal it, and if it's not your will to heal it, please use it to change lives (ours and others). Keep us going strong but teach us to rely on you for our strength. Keep our families safe and bring them closer to you. Thank you so much for this chance to start new, but even as we mess up this next year help us to remember that each day is a chance for us to start new. Your mercies are new each and every morning. Thank you for that! I love you! Amen

Krissi

I got a wonderful Christmas present. Well, all my presents were nice, but I got a present that I wasn't expecting. In a sense I got my baby for Christmas like I wanted. I guess I just wasn't specific about the species of baby that I wanted. I got a new puppy. She is half German Shepard and the woman didn't know what the other half was. It is a funny story how we got her. On Christmas Eve my mom and I went to Garden City earlier than the others to get a few last minute gifts. We went to Walmart (which is such a zoo around Christmas). We had to hurry because we had to get to church by 6:00 and it was 5:30 when we got done. Well, my dad called to see where we were and told us he was in the parking lot waiting for us. As we left the doors there was a woman and like 5 children calling out "free puppy." I glanced over and saw the cutest puppy. Jokingly I told mom to tell dad to ask Scott if we could have a puppy. Scott said "no, the cats are enough." Well, dad had to see this really cute puppy, so up to the doors we went. Dad couldn't leave her on Christmas Eve, so he told us to take her anyway and if we really didn't want her they would take her. Well, she finally started growing on Scott and now she is ours. Her name is Krissi (short for Christmas, since I got her on Christmas Eve). Here is a cute picture I just took of her today. I had to show her off.

I think she is just the most adorable thing in the world. She was very scared at first and didn't do much of anything but sleep all the time, but now she has started playing and she loves the cats, they just don't love her. She wants to play and they can't get away fast enough. The woman said that Krissi was used to cats being around and I can see that now. Isn't she just so cute? I think she has an ornery look in her eyes, she's going to be a handful, but it's going to be fun to have her around. I want to train her to do all sorts of tricks, and to be a good dog. She's my Christmas baby!

It's not over till the fat lady sings

Remember the saying, "It's not over till the fat lady sings?" Well, the fat lady sang this past weekend. I'm not pregnant. I know that for a fact....I got a special visitor (ladies you know who I mean). Man, that stinks. Oh, well, the good thing is that I knew when I ovulated. Maybe my body is finally doing what it's supposed to. We are still planning on adopting, so I have that to look forward to. Plus, I've decided that before I get pregnant I would like to lose about 50 pounds. I know I don't have to, but I would like to. They say it makes for a healthier pregnancy, and you can lose the baby weight faster. Plus with me having pre-diabetes, it is just healthier for me to be at a lower weight. If I lose 50 pounds I will barely be in the overweight category, so I'm happy with that, but if for some reason I can lose more than that I would love it. I think the best weight for me would be around 135-145 pounds, but right now I'll settle for 150. Ok, I just realized that I told everyone what I weigh....but good news is that it won't be for long. I started exercising regularly and I keep very close track of what I eat...which helps me cut back on my eating. So if you happen to talk to me you can ask me how it's going with my weight loss. I can use all the encouragement I can get. I'm not a very disciplined person, so I tend to give up easily. Don't let me do that. I've been told that with my PCOS, that if I can lose weight that it can help me get pregnant without drugs, so I'm gonna try it. And if it doesn't work, we still have Clomid to try. And we are going to adopt no matter what (at least 1 or 2 kids). It's so funny, I thought I would be disappointed that I wasn't pregnant, but I keep thinking that now I can lose weight and have a better pregnancy if/when I do get pregnant. It's still kind of hard when I think about those around me getting pregnant, but at least for now I know that God has a plan for Scott and I, and it's a plan bigger than we could ever imagine.

Really quick I want to tell you a story (don't get sad or feel sorry for us....it's just thoughts). But Scott and I were talking the other day (when I still thought I was pregnant) and he said that he gets this feeling that God is going to let us adopt or get pregnant and then take him home. I had that same thought just a few days before he said anything. Now, I don't know that these thoughts will come true, but I thought I would share them with those close to me. I can't get myself to verbalize these thoughts so I can't tell anyone in person, but for some reason it's easier for me to type my thoughts. It could just be the way our minds are thinking....maybe a fear we have deep down. But I've always had this feeling that my time with Scott would be precious, but shorter than I would like it to be. I don't know......I can't say anything for sure....look at how the pregnancy thing turned out. Ok, now that I have that off my chest....I guess the best thing would be to pray about it....which I should have done first.

Lord, I thank you for being here with me. I am so glad that even though I wasn't pregnant that I'm still able to worship you and love you. I pray that you would be with us as we continue to battle this cancer. Be with us on Jan. 4th as we go back to OKC. I pray for the Christmas season, that we would all remember the real reason for celebrating. Keep safe those who are traveling. Thank you so much for the family that I have and that we are so close. I also pray for the thoughts that Scott and I had. I pray that if they aren't from you that you would take them away, and if for some reason they are from you as a preparation for the future, then be with us and comfort us and guide us. Thank you so much for all you've done....for coming down as a baby and then later on dying for our sins and saving us from Hell. You are awesome. I love you!

Am I going to get a miracle?

I am so confused right now. I don't think that God would lie to me about giving me a miracle for Christmas, but maybe I'm looking too hard for a specific miracle. When I started praying for a Christmas miracle, I was thinking about adoption. I thought that maybe God would speed things up and allow us to get a child in our home for Christmas. Well, shortly after that I started having the feeling that God really was going to give me a miracle. Now I don't know if He's giving me the miracle I think I'm getting or if I'm just wishful thinking. Note that I was not even thinking about pregnancy, and all of a sudden I feel pregnant and I'm having symptoms.....and then of all things my dad says something to me that makes me think twice. He teased me about having a "bun in the oven." Ok, he was teasing, but maybe there was something to it. But now I'm starting to doubt myself. I've taken two tests and they've both been BFN (big fat negative). Scott said I just tested too soon (he thinks I am pregnant....or maybe he just doesn't want me to be disappointed). I can't help but think that maybe we are going to be one of those stories of a couple who tried and tried to have a baby and didn't get pg until they started adopting. Ok, wanna know the other weird thing, the due date that I keep coming up with (not a for sure thing) is pretty much to the day of when I miscarried last year. As Scott keeps saying, "That's something God would do." Plus, it's always been my dream to be able to announce I was pg at Christmas. But if God is answering my prayer and I get my Christmas miracle, why are the tests all negative? Is God teaching me patience or is God letting me wait since I wouldn't be able to keep the secret very long anyway? I've been told that I just need to go see the dr so they can do a blood test to see for sure.....but can I handle it if it's really negative? Is it finally my chance or am I making it all up in my mind? I've had two pg women tell me they think I am, but I keep doubting. Have any of you heard Martina McBride's new song "Anyway"? It's a great song and Scott keeps reminding me of the lyrics of the song, but a part of the song talks about dreaming a dream that may never happen, but I'm gonna dream it anyway. The other night I was bummed and doubting and Scott told me to remember that part of the song and just keep dreaming and hoping that I was pregnant. This is the first time ever that Scott has been almost as sure as me that I'm pregnant. He said he has a strong thoughts....but he doesn't know if it's God telling him or if he's just looking at my symptoms and thinking I am. Is it something that he has had these thoughts this time and not any other time? I AM SO CONFUSED!!!!!!!! I get on the internet all the time now not only to chat with people that might be able to give me answers, but to look up some answers myself. And for right now the only thing I've learned is that I know almost everything about looking for signs of pregnancy. I think I'm going insane (at least temporarily) because I think I keep looking for a new website that will say something to the effect of, "Melissa Soodsma, you are finally pregnant!" I know it will never happen that way, but I just can't help but look anyway. I guess I just needed to vent again, but I will keep everyone posted as to how it all turns out.

Exhausted

I'm so exhausted. I thought we might be on the downhill side of the cancer. It seemed like we got such good reports the last two times we were down in OKC. Our Dr. told us that he just wanted a little more tissue scraped off the eyelid, but now we just found out that we get to endure another surgery. The results of the tests run by the pathologists were inconclusive. The tissue was crushed and they thought they found more cancer cells, but they can't be for sure. But now they are worried about how to get this other tissue. If they don't get enough of it the first time it could spread very fast (it tends to do that if you disrupt it), but they're not sure how much they need to take. I feel so tired of all this. I can sleep at night, take naps, rest during the day, anything, and I still feel exhausted. It has just taken so much out of me, out of both of us. I knew that cancer was hard, but I guess I didn't understand how hard it is....and how long and drawn out it can be. That's the tiring part....it's not like the flu; you don't just get sick, and then get over it. You fight and fight and fight, and hope that you've done enough. I guess I just need to vent. I so thought we were on the downhill slope. I thought we were going to be done and be able to get on with adopting (we aren't going to quit, though) but I just don't know if it's the right time yet to bring a child into our home. I want it to be a stable environment, not traveling to a daddy's cancer appointments. I guess God will decide that for us. He'll give us our children when He sees fit. I guess if we have to wait, we will. I won't push it and force Him to give us kids too early (not that I could anyway). It may still be kind of hard if we have to wait longer, but if I've gone this long what's a little longer right? Ok, I'm so tired and I don't feel like making this a long sermon-like blog today.

Lord, I just pray for us right now. Give us the strength to go on. We know that we can do all things with You and right now we are depending on you to go on. We can't do it without you. I pray for healing in Scott's eye. I pray that the Dr's would know what to do and how to do it. Give them wisdom in all of this. Work through their hands. Thank you for all you have blessed us with and thank you for providing through the cancer. You have given us more than we could ever have imagined. Thank you again. I love you!

Thanks!

I have to say a public thank you. I have a wonderful friend who just happens to be my sister (in-law). I was down and out and she brought to my attention that I was wrong in my thinking. She loves me enough to be honest with me, yet do it in a kind and gentle way. I can't wait to see how she is with the baby, because I know she will make the bestest mommy in the whole world. I miss her so much and I wish that she lived closer to us, but I would never wish her to be anywhere than where she is, because she is happily married (to my wonderful brother) and having a great time in Topeka. I've realized that family is so important. You can't shut them out just because you feel a certain way. They won't know how you are feeling unless you let them know. It's all about communication. Whether it's your spouse or a mom or dad or sister or brother. You can't keep it all bottled inside. Not only is it good for them (family) to know, but it's good so you don't keep it to yourself and suffer more than you have to. I guess I still have a lot to learn when it comes to living life. It's so hard....but then again, God never promised us it would be easy. I have to remember that God has a plan for my life and it is a good and wonderful plan. It's better than I could ever imagine, even if it's different than what I think it should be. I should be remembering this verse:

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Jeremiah 29:11

It goes on from there and says some more wonderful things, but even if I just remember that part of the scripture it's a great promise for me.....for everyone. Because God doesn't just have plans for me, but for everyone. He never makes mistakes, His will is perfect as long as we follow Him. Now I'm not saying I won't have days that I forget this. I know I will have times that I want my will over His will, but I hope that He reminds me that it is better His way. The view He has is like the view from an airplane...He can see everything in front of us, but our view is from a dashboard perspective....all we see is what is right there, we can't see what's coming up. We need to trust the one who see's it all.

Another verse that I just thought of is Psalm 37:4. It says:

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

I used to think that it meant that you would get what you wanted if you made God happy (almost like doing favors for each other). Scott and I had a discussion (many discussions) about this verse. He did his research and found out that the phrase "delight yourself in the Lord" means something different than we think. It means that we need to make ourselves soft and pliable to God.....like soft clay. Open yourself up to His will and you will get the desires of your heart, because the desires of your heart become God's desires for you. Does that make sense? It didn't to me at first. But I think I get it. Now, I know that doesn't mean that God doesn't like blessing us with things we want or we enjoy. He's like any other father with his children, He has a soft spot for us and likes to bless us. Ok, this turned out to be almost a sermon. I'm sorry about that. I started and I just couldn't stop. Maybe this was God's way of letting me speak to someone who needed it. So if this spoke to you give God the thanks because it was Him who used my fingers to type it.

Lord, Thank you for family, thank you for friends, thank you that we have each other to help us through tough times. Remind me that I can be open and honest with them. I thank you for the blessings that you have given to me so far in my life and I also thank you for the miracles that you have done in my life. I said before that you don't give me miracles, but you do. The first one was actually giving me life, and since then, there have been too many to mention on this blog. I pray for health and safety for Matt and Tanna's baby. Help Tanna with her gallbladder troubles and help the rest of the pregnancy to go well. Help calm her fears as the time draws near for the baby to be born (March/April). Thank you again. I love you!

Christmas Miracles

I love the Hallmark channel. I love the movies that they have on during the Christmas season. Each one seems to have a great story about Christmas angels or Christmas Miracles. I'm not sure how theologically correct each movie is about their theories of angels and miracles, but I do believe in both. I watched a couple of great movies tonight. (we are leaving for OKC again, but we're leaving at 1:00 in the morning....in about an hour from when I'm writing this) The whole time I was watching the movies I kept thinking about the movie Facing the Giants. Nothing is impossible with God.....I truly believe that. I don't know if it is the movies I've been watching or if it's really a true feeling, but I just keep getting the feeling that God is going to do a work in my life. I don't have any idea how or when, I just feel like He is going to do something awesome. Ok, He's already done some wonderful things in my life, but I just feel like there's something else coming. It's the same type of feeling that I got at the beginning of the year. I told Scott then that we had to prepare for something. I wasn't sure what it was, but I just knew that we needed to spend a lot of time with God in preparation....and then just months later the cancer showed up. I feel that God was preparing us for that even then. And now I just can't help but think that God is doing the same thing....but this time I feel like we are going to witness some kind of miracle. I don't know. I could be wrong....but it's so exciting to think about. I get this excited feeling....and I just can't help but think that God is sitting there with a smile on His face saying "Just wait and see what's going to happen...it's going to be great!" I've got theories of what I would like it to be, but I can't say it will be any of those. There's music, there's the baby thing, there's Scott's cancer, or it could be something totally different. I know when I talked about Christmas in an earlier post, I described how Christmas made me feel......and I can't help but think that it's the time for miracles. You hear stories all the time about Christmas miracles happening and if you're like me you wish they could happen to you. What if this year I get to be the one sharing the story....just what if... But then I think about this....how many miracles happen to us that we just pass off as coincidence or just an everyday occurance. Maybe we need to be paying more attention to what God's doing in our lives.

Ok, anyway I'm rambling again. I tend to do that, as you probably have noticed by now if you've read my blogs. It's funny, I was talking to my sister, Michaela, about the adoption stuff one day and I told her that God could do anything and that we needed to pray for a Christmas miracle. I said we should put our faith in Him because He can do anything. I think my msn messenger name for awhile was "let's pray for a Christmas miracle." God does some amazing things and I can't wait to see what He does this time. I'll for sure be posting anything that happens. Because if I get my Christmas miracle that I've been praying for (no matter what it is) I want to share it with everyone. So let's all go out on faith and pray for a Christmas miracle!

Lord, I just want to praise Your name. You are awesome and nothing is impossible with you. You can still perform miracles today and I just pray that when it happens to us that we will recognize it for what it is. I pray that I keep in mind that it could be anything. It may not be what I'm thinking. Thank you for everything you have already given to us...family, friends, our health, food, a house, a car, and the list could go on and on. Keep us safe as we travel yet tonight and then right after the appointment. Help us to stay awake when we need to and to rest when we need to. Again, thank you so much for everything. I love You!!!

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!! I hope we are all remembering what the season is about and making sure we give thanks for everything we have. This is my favorite time of year (the time from Thanksgiving to Christmas). It seems like such a magical time of year. I love being with family on Thanksgiving and then going right into decorating for Christmas. I love the feeling that comes from hearing Christmas Carols on the radio. I love going shopping (of course) and picking out the perfect gift for everyone on the list. The anticipation of seeing their faces as they open the gift (that you hope they like). I even like the idea of Santa Claus. Ok, I'm 24 and I don't believe in Santa anymore, but I still think that the idea of him is just so magical. Sometimes I wish I wasn't too old to believe in him. And I can't wait until we have kids in our house. I think the Santa thing will be so much fun to do with them. Don't worry, they will still learn about the true meaning of Christmas. I think we just have to find the perfect balance for things.

Ok, I started out talking about Thanksgiving and I really got ahead of myself. I didn't think I was ready for Christmas to be here, but I guess I'm more excited than I thought. I could go on even more, but I will spare you all the boring details about every little thing I love about Christmas.

But I might bore you with some more about our adoption....sort of. We thought of some different ways to decorate the bedroom. I still like the idea of Winnie the Pooh (if it's a girl) but I came up with an even better idea if we get a boy. In fact I'm praying that we can get a little boy about 2 or 3 years old. But my new favorite movie is "Cars" (you know the Disney movie) and I decided that it would be so much fun to do a room in "Cars." I even looked on the internet and found some of the cutest things to put in the room (furniture, decorations, etc.). And my favorite part of the room will be the border that I put up. Michaela helped me come up with part of it and then I added to it. But I would paint a black road (somewhere below the middle of the wall) and of course put the yellow lines on it to make lanes, but then I will get some black velcro and put it up all along the road in both lanes. Then take the other part of the velcro and put it on the underneath side of some toy cars. Then he can play cars on the wall. I thought that would be so much fun. Ok, I'm a little excited, but I guess I keep thinking of this time as a pregnant woman does. I'm "expecting" and this is my time to get things all ready before the child gets here. The only difference with this is we don't know how long we have to wait (could be less than 9 months or could be more). I even joke with some people that my "hormones" are "acting up." I seem to be crying at the drop of a hat these days. Maybe that's God's way of letting me experience some of the pregnancy symptoms....I don't know.

But anyway.......Happy Thanksgiving to ya'll!!!!

Lord, I just thank you for the holiday season. Help us to remember the reason for the holidays. Let us be thankful for everything you have given to us and done for us. And let us remember the real meaning of Christmas. Even through all the craziness of the holidays, let us keep the true reason in our minds. Lord, I thank you so much for the calling you have on our life right now. Thank you that You have allowed us the privelage of adopting (eventually). Help us to be patient and wait for Your timing of everything. Thank you! I love You!

Facing the Giants

I don't know how many of you have seen the new movie "Facing the Giants" but if you haven't seen it you just have to. Scott and I went to see it today. Those of you who may have seen it, you will really understand what I'm about to say and those of you who haven't seen it, well, just make sure you see it ASAP.
Scott and I had a "date" day today. We went to Dodge City and spent the whole day having fun. We went to a model train show, I got a full body massage (I recommend it to anyone), and then went to the movie. I know I've talked a lot about us adopting and how God has really spoken that to us this week, but the movie just drove the point home. I went to the movie expecting the kind of movie that Scott loves, where the losing team comes back and becomes the winning team. I was right it was that, but it was so much more. Of course it's about a football team and their struggles, but the coach and his wife have a struggle of their own.....yes, you may have guessed it....they can't have a baby and that's all they really want. I wanted to jump into the movie and hug the wife when her husband came home from work one day and saw her pregnancy test box. When he asked her about it she said something that is all too familiar to me. "I want it so bad that my body starts playing tricks on me." Those of you who know me well, know that I tend to do that. I take every sign and analyze it. Well, they find out in the movie that they can't have a baby at all and, like any couple, they are devastated. I know that feeling too. But throughout the whole movie the message was the same, "Nothing is impossible with God." I won't share anything more about the details of this movie because I don't want to ruin it for anyone, but I will say that God spoke to me a lot during the movie. At one point I felt that He was sitting next to me and whispering in my ear, "just watch me, watch what I can do. You won't believe what I'm going to do." There are very few movies that make me start crying in the beginning and make me continue to cry for the rest of the movie. Actually, I didn't just cry until the end the movie, I was still crying over it when we got to Cimmaron (about a half hour after the movie was over). I felt like I spent the entire movie either praising God for what he's done for us and giving Him thanks, or repenting for my lack of faith. God has such big plans for us that we can't even imagine. I'm already overwhelmed about what He's going to do. I could go on and on about this movie and they way it spoke to me, but then I would give away the whole movie. If you get a chance to see it I know you will understand some of the ways it spoke to us. And I bet that it will speak to you in ways that you can't even imagine.

Lord, I am so sorry for my lack of faith. I want to be like the farmer who prayed for rain and then went out and worked his field to get ready for the rain. I've been the other farmer (who just sat and waited for rain) for way too long. I know you have huge plans for us. Plans bigger than anything we could ever imagine. I know they will be great. I also want to thank you for all that you have done. You have provided for us during the cancer and you continue to do so. Thank you so much. You are an awesome God and You are always there for us. Nothing is impossible with You. I pray that you would help us face our giants and defeat them. Thank you so much. I love you!

My biggest fear

Family Life Today and Focus on the Family were both airing shows about adoption all week. I was so excited, it seemed like it was all I could talk about. I still feel like God's calling us to adopt, but I guess I'm feeling discouraged. I heard on those shows this week some adopted mom's feelings and most of them said their biggest fear was not loving that child as much as a birth child. I don't really have that fear because I don't know what it's like to love a birth child. My biggest fear is that we'll get this child or children home with us and our families won't love them as much as the "birth" children in the family. Am I crazy? I just want to cry because I'm so scared of this. What if the grandparents don't want to aknowledge that our adopted children are their grandchildren? Will they want to spoil our adopted children like the other grandchildren? What do you tell a child that's treated different if it happens? I feel like someone just popped my balloon full of excitement and happiness. Scott says I need to talk to our families and let them know how I'm feeling, but what if the answer is what I fear the most? What if they tell me that the child won't really be their grandchild? I know, those are a bunch of what-ifs, but it scares me so bad. I don't want the other grandchildren ignored, but I pray and hope that our children aren't ignored. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who gets excited about adopting (besides Scott...he gets excited). I want to just shout it to everybody that we're adopting, but I don't feel like I can since Matt and Tanna are having their baby. I guess it's probably not right to butt in on their joy and excitement (and everyone else's). I've often wondered if maybe we should just start keeping quiet about this and then after we get our children just quietly let family know that we have them, but not make a big deal out of it. Maybe that would be the best thing to do. The more I think about it the more I'm sure that's the way we need to do it. A birth is so much more exciting than an adoption, even I know that. It's not anyone's fault, it's just the way it is. I'm even so excited for Matt and Tanna. It's my first "real" niece!

We are still adopting, just don't worry if I don't shout it from the rooftops anymore.

God's Calling

I was listening to Focus on the Family today. Guess what, it was about adoption. They had guests on the show that had something to do with adoption, people who had adopted children, and some who were adopted. It was very interesting to listen to. But I really felt God speaking to me while I was listening. Scott noticed, but I didn't say anything about what I was thinking. God is calling us to adopt. I can't say He won't ever give us our own, but we are supposed to adopt. We need to get off our butts and get moving again. We are almost ready to adopt (just some more paperwork) but with the cancer we held off for a little while. Well, it's time to get moving again. There are children out there who need a mommy and daddy and we can be that for them. Sometimes I hate to admit these things, because it seems like satan likes to try and bring up the jealousy issue even more after I admit that God has called us to adopt. I guess it's going to take a lot of prayer to keep the jealousy away. But at least I can say without a doubt tonight that God has called us to adopt and I plan to do just that.

Lord, Thank you so much for the promise that we will have children. Help me to not be disapointed that I may not ever get pregnant. Help me realize that once the children are in my arms it will seem as if I had them myself. Help keep us patient as we wait for the children you have for us. I thank you so much for all you have done for us. I love you!

Test Results

We went to the Dr. today. I feel like we aren't any further than we were yesterday. The tests from Scotts eye were for sure cancer, but the growth from his eyelid is still being tested, which means we don't know for sure whether it was cancer or not. He said it looked suspicious, but that is all we know. We go back to OKC in 3 weeks to find out for sure. But we were also told that they may have to do a minor surgery and take out some more from his eyelid. Will this never end? We are getting so frustrated and tired of all the traveling and the appointments. We just want it to all go away. Maybe if it would just go away we could focus on having the family that we want. Ok, I need to breathe. I need to remember the ways that God has worked through this. He has done some wonderful things (big and small). Through it, He has started to heal me a little more and even break my hard heart. He has also taken care of us better than we could ever have imagined. He has sent people to take care of us and blessed us with the finances to travel and pay the bills. What an awesome God we have. I have to tell the story that happend on Wednesday when we were getting ready to leave for OKC. I was getting some snacks and filling the car up with gas. When I went to pay for both things (at seperate stores) I was told that I was not allowed to pay for any of it, it had been taken care of already. I couldn't believe it. When Scott came home I tried to tell him and I broke down and started crying. I realized that I could not be mad at God anymore. (I have been getting mad at Him for not giving us a child). After seeing what He's done for us I just couldn't feel that way about Him anymore. It was quite an awakening. I was so shocked at one of the stores that I almost forgot to say thank you. Again, what an AWESOME God we have.

Ok, one more thing (kind of off the subject a little) but I was given some more scripture that is very encouraging to me. I just have to share it. My friend Stephanie showed it to me when we were staying the night at their house last night. It's Isaiah 54:1-3

"Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband, says the Lord. Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords; strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will disposses nations and settle in their desolate cities."

Ok, I'll admit some of it is weird, but I just really felt a peace when I heard these verses. Especially the part about singing. Those who know me, know how much I love to sing. Steph (my friend) told me that we had better be prepared because she felt that God was going to overfill our house with children. I hope she's right. Well, maybe in a way. I still only want 3 at the most.

Lord, thank you for all you've done for us. You are so awesome and we just can't say thank you enough. We pray for continued healing for Scott's eye. We also pray that your will be done with having children. We feel that you want us to be parents, but we just don't know how yet. Help us be prepared for whatever you have in store for us. Again, thank you so much. I love you!

Adoption

I've been thinking today (which means it was a good day), will I really be able to love a child that I've adopted as much as a child I give birth to? Am I really ok with adopting instead of having our own children? And for now the answer to these questions is YES!!! For some reason I feel this stirring in my heart that somewhere out there (whether they have been born or not) that our children are out there. God has them picked out already. I know I've had people tell me that before, but I guess sometimes a person has to find things out on their own. My mom told me once that it takes a special person to adopt and love a child that is not your own, and that I am one of those special ones (and Scott too). I can't explain it, but I just feel this love in my heart, I feel like it could just burst because it's so filled with love.
I was also told once that when you hold that child in your arms that you adopted you don't think about not being able to have your own, because that little one is your own. That's one thing I've struggled with. I have always wanted to know what it feels like to be pregnant. To feel movement and know that a little one is growing inside of me. I'm not saying that it will never happen, but I feel a peace about it that I can't explain even if I never get to experience it. It's like I am already getting a taste of what it will feel like to hold that child in my arms. God is so good and I know that He does have a plan for us and that it will somehow include children. I can't wait to see how it happens and who they will be. I'm not saying that I won't have my days that I feel sad or even jealous, but I hope that I can cling to my verses that God gave to me and remember His promises.

Lord, Thank you so much for the peace you have given to me. I know scripture talks about the peace that passes all understanding, and I guess that is what I'm experiencing now. I pray for our children that wherever they are now, whether born or not, that you would keep them safe and let them know that they have a mommy and daddy that will love them forever and will be waiting for them. Help us to be patient while waiting for them (since you are in the middle of teaching us patience). Be with Scott and I as we travel back to Oklahoma City tomorrow and find out some more test results. Thank you for all the blessings you have given to us.

Quite a year

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last posted. I guess I've had a lot going on and not much time to get on the computer. I barely have time to check my e-mail.
Well, my husband and I still don't have a baby. We can see now why God hasn't given us one, but it's still so hard. In April, cancer was found in my husband's eye and we've been doing treatments and surgeries since then, 4 rounds of chemo drops and 3 surgeries. It was thought to have been cleared up in May, after the first 2 surgeries, but 6 weeks later it showed up again. But the second time the Dr. sent us to Oklahoma City to see someone who has worked with this type of cancer. That was when we did the chemo drops. He had another surgery October 20th and right now we are waiting on some more biopsy reports, but we'll find out about them on Thursday of this week (9th). We're hoping that maybe we won't have to go back to Oklahoma City as often as we have been (every two weeks). It's just a pain to drive there every two weeks (it's 6 hours from here to OKC).
Even through all that, we would still love to have a baby. Sometimes I get so discouraged. I've even been mad at God a little bit for not giving me what I want (how selfish.....what a spoiled brat I am). It seems like every time I turn around someone else I know is having a baby. My brother just got married this summer (2 months after graduating from high school) now he and his wife are having a baby in April. Last year at this time my best friend was pregnant and so was another of my sis-in-laws. My friend had her baby this past March and my sis-in-law had hers in April (hard month, I was due in April). Now it's like dejavou (sp?).
God has given me a couple of verses to hold on to while I wait for His perfect timing on a baby.

"He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children"
Psalm 113:9

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28

I hope these verses speak to you in some way. Even if you aren't going through what we are going through. Remember God loves you! (I even have to remind myself)

Lord, I pray that your will be done in our situation. Help me be content where you have us at now. I pray that I can be an encouragement to others going through rough times. Thank you so much for the blessings that you have given to us. Give us strength to go on when we would like to give up. And Lord, I would like to ask for healing in Scott's eye. Please get rid of all the cancer and keep it from coming back. Thank you so much.