Warning.....this may be a little graphic!!!

Howdy. I thought I would see how brave everyone is. We get so many questions as to how Scott's eye socket is doing and I thought it would be interesting to show you what I get so see almost everyday. Scott is doing very well with all of this. In fact he started changing his packing and patch by himself. So he sees it as much as I do if not more. His attitude is still great and we did find out some wonderful news today. Scott will be getting his new eye in about two weeks. We have to go down to OKC to get it done and then every year he will have to go down and get it cleaned and replaced, but that's nothing compared to what we've already been through. Enjoy the pics.....if you can handle it...lol.













These first pictures were taken December 8, 2007. They are still pretty graphic, but better than it was at first. I took these pictures with the packing in the socket. I was still too grossed out to look at the actual eye socket.

These pictures were taken December 28, 2007. As you can see the area with packing is a little smaller. Again, it still has the packing in it and I think I had just went and seen the dr change the packing. By that time it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

These pics were taken January 3, 2008. So they are more recent. We still have some packing but not much. It's still a little gross, but getting better. It's just a little weird to see Scott without that eye. We both get weirded out a little when we look at old pictures of Scott. We know that the eye that was there, isn't there anymore.




Ok, I guess that is enough for this blog. But I'm going to put some more pictures on the next one. The other pics are not quite as gross, but still maybe a little graphic, and just strange to look at.

Still Waiting

Well, here I am still waiting for news from the social worker. Sometimes I really wish that God didn't think that I needed to learn patience. It is the hardest lesson for me to learn. I say that because I really have yet to learn patience. But I have learned that I should not ask for patience....cause then God gives me the practice....lol. Anyway, I figured so many people are really wondering about the adoption situation....and you all know about as much as I do whether or not we will get the girls. One thing that I am excited about is that I'm going to see my family this weekend. I don't know how many times I have cried over missing them. It's so hard when I don't really have a lot of people that I hang out with when they are gone. It also doesn't help that Scott and I get so busy that we can't hardly find time to spend with other people. But maybe that's just my escape. To be perfectly honest, I've really been struggling with a little bit of depression. Nothing serious, just enough that I don't feel like myself. Sometimes I get to feeling so left out. I feel like my music is pretty much non-existent.....and that's hard for me. And of course I'm like the only person in the world that does not have children, and that's the hardest for me. I go back and forth when I think about the girls. somedays I think.....oh we'll get them for sure. There's no way they won't pick us. and then other days I sit down and think.....they'll never pick us, we're not ever going to be parents. I don't know.....I can't even hardly explain the feelings that I've had. I have done a good job of putting on a mask so that people don't question me....and that includes my husband. it's just so hard to try and explain what I'm feeling when I don't quite understand it myself. Ok, this turned into one big vent session. That is not what I started out doing. And I hope that I don't depress anyone. That was not my intention. Well, I better go. I guess I will try and remember to keep posting so everyone knows how we are doing. Love you all!

busy, busy, busy

It gets way too busy around my house. And we don't even have children....yet. I really don't know what we will do if/when we have kids. Anyway, life is going good. Scott's eye socket is no longer a hole. It is all filled in. He will be seeing the dr who will do the fake eye in February. We are both excited and nervous about that.
Now on to our biggest news right now. We have submitted our names to adopt two little girls. I can't give out info on here, but they are 7 and 4. We should find out within two weeks whether we get them or now. We won't have them right away, but it will be exciting if we find out they will be ours. I hope we have them by the summer, but we'll see. We will take it as slow as we need to. Other than that I really can't think of anything new. Which is good in our case. I was getting so sick of not knowing where or how our life was going to go. It's a lot more predictable now. Well, I can't make this too long. I'm still a little busy. I'll keep everyone posted on the adoption situation.
God Bless You All!!!

Praise The Lord!!!

Yay!!! Scott does not have cancer in his liver or anywhere else. The tests came back that all that he has is a fatty liver. It is not a serious thing, in fact they didn't even comment about it except to say that's what it is. What a relief. It is so scary having to wait for results, when you don't know how serious it is. I don't know what else to say about it except Praise The Lord!

But still be praying for us. We are going to Wichita on January 11th to see a fertility specialist. A real fertility specialist....the expensive kind. I'm a little nervous about them being able to help us have a baby, but I guess even if they say we can't, at least we will know. I say this now, but if they say that I will be very depressed for awhile....just to warn everyone. In the long run it will be good to know, but I will be sad. But wouldn't it be great if they say "oh...just do this and it will happen." Maybe 2008 will be our baby year....I hope so. Well, it's late and we are going to Garden tomorrow to get the packing changed again in Scott's eye. And I still have to post the pics of his eye patch. We haven't been too creative in the past week, but with him going back to work, they will make him be creative and draw or write on it. Anyway, hope the new year is going great for everyone already. Love ya'll!

I don't have patience

Hello everyone. I haven't posted anymore pictures of Scott in a while, but I do have some that I need to get on here. I just don't have my camera with me at the computer. He has been just as ornery about putting funny things on his patch. And yesterday I got to go watch them change the packing in the eye socket. It's really not that bad. I guess I've become numb to all that with having to change the patch all the time. But it was cool, the hole is only big enough to put a marble in....and my dad said at first it was big enough to put a golf ball in it.

Well, now on to why I wanted to blog today. Yesterday, not only did we get the packing changed, but Scott had an appt to have a chest x-ray and a ct scan of his chest and abdomen. Usually that's not so bad, but I'm so nervous about it. They had him come in because when they did his blood work his liver count was up. This can mean many things, but one thing is cancer. With Scott's history you can see why I'm nervous. We don't know the results as of now, but they are supposed to get them any day. They thought it might be today, but we didn't get any phone calls from them. I hope it wasn't much of anything that made his levels go up. It just scares me because the type of cancer he had in his eye is known to spread......to the liver usually. Well, I gotta go and get ready to go to Scott City. Everyone have a wonderful day. I'll post those pictures sometime in the next day or two.

What a wacky, crazy, husband I have!

Here are a couple of pictures of Scott again. He has been really creative and has some more great ideas fothe rest of the week. The picture with the Christmas Tree was from last Friday and the other picture is from today. I took two angles for the last picture. It looks a little gross, but the Pollock Family in Alta Vista knows what it really is. Here goes....

By the way...that's supposed to be a postage stamp....notice the 41 in the corner?

It's a plastic eyeball that came from some funny glasses Scott got for Christmas from my parents. Here, I'll show you the picture of the glasses...

Boy did we have a fun weekend at my parents house. It started out very interesting. I'll leave that for another post. This one is interesting enough and I have to keep you all coming back for more funny stories.

Here he goes again...

I think I will be posting almost everyday for awhile. Just to post the pictures of Scott. He has come up with some really great ideas for his eye patch. Keep checking for the latest.

Batter Up.....



Enjoy the wacky mind of my husband. :)

When life gives you lemons.....

You know the saying "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"? I think that is my husband's new favorite saying. You would not believe what he did today. Ok, if you know him you would believe it. He decided to have some fun with his eye patch. He drew an eye on it....well, just look for yourself:




You better believe that it's never boring at our house with Scott around. I hope this brightens everyones day. Everyone have a very Merry Christmas. I should be able to blog in the next couple of days. We are expected to have some major winter weather tonight and all day tomorrow. Have a great day.

It's been too long....again.

When I was up in Monnesota a few weeks ago, my Grandma and my sister-in-law told me that I needed to start blogging again. I was told that they look forward to it. So I decided to get started....again. We've been so busy since February (the last post). Most people that read this will know that Scott lost his eye in October. So I guess all the posts that said I was tired of the cancer and wanted it gone are over. We don't have any cancer to worry about anymore....as long as it didn't spread. Now I guess we need to start thinking about starting our family. I'm a little leary yet. We had a little boy in our home and let's just say that he was great birth control. I even told Scott I wanted to quit "trying." So we were actually in preventive mode. That is until we went to Minn. at the beginning of November. We had a little "fling" and now it has me wondering if I'm pregnant. I've been having symptoms (like getting sick, food cravings, sore areas on my body, etc.). I keep waiting for the "special visitor", but she won't show up. Is it my time? Was God just waiting for me to really give it up? And trust me I had given it up. I even told people I refused to have kids after that little boy. I think my words were something like, "I am never having kids after this little boy." Now that I think of it, Scott told people he was never getting married and then he married me like 2 or 3 years later. (which means he met me shortly after he said that). Scott told me around the time that I maybe got pg that he felt that God was telling him we were going to get a blessing. But he wasn't sure what kind of blessing. Then my Grandma Gayle told me that she prayed very hard that same week that we would concieve. If I am pg, the baby is due around Scott's birthday (July 26). And then I've had those people tell me they think I'm having twins.....I guess we'll see.
Now I'm rambling really bad. That's what happens when you don't blog for months and months. I'm hoping to make this a regular part of life again. Scott told me that it's good for me to blog. I get all my feelings out and others can see what's going on with us. I guess if I am pg you will all know it very shortly. Maybe it can be our way of giving a great Christmas present to everyone. I've always wanted to announce our pregnancy at Christmas. Well, I'll stop for now so this isn't too long. And if I forget to blog regularly, remind me to do it. I guess I will end this like I used to end my posts.

Lord, I've been struggling. I've had some losses in my life lately. Our baby Amanda Joy in August, Scott's eye in October, and my Grandpa in November. Lord, please help me to lean on you in all this. I also pray that Your will would be done in this pg situation. I will choose to love you no matter what. If I'm pg I will love you and if I'm not I will still love you. You know what is best for us and even if we want something you know when it's the best timing for us to have it. Thank you so much for all you have done for us. I love you!

Gosh, time goes by way too fast and I get way too busy with things. I need to start remembering that I have to blog. That way people know what's going on with my life. As far as the cancer goes we are waiting right now. We had the surgery to take out the tissue and then the pathologist in OKC did their stuff and then they wanted to get a second opinion so they sent it on to Atlanta Georgia. So we find out on the 15th of Feb. (just in time for my b-day). We do have another appointment this Tuesday so we go down Monday and come home Tuesday afternoon/evening. These trips are getting so old.

Ok, on to some news that's alot more interesting. The couple that we stay with in OKC are friends with some foster parents down there. Well, I got a phone call from Steph (the wife) and she said this foster mother wanted to know if she knew anyone interested in adopting a little baby girl. She immediately thought of us. Steph called me and asked if we were still looking into adopting. I told her yes, that we had just put it on hold for a little bit. She wants us to look very hard into adopting this little baby. I don't know how it will work (if it even will) but I'm so excited. Scott told me that he's very excited. I don't want to get too excited because we don't even know yet if it will work, but wouldn't that be great. Steph thinks that the baby is between 4 and 6 months old. So it would be so much fun to get her. She's just the age that I wanted to be able to adopt. And I wanted to adopt a girl so bad. I hope we can get a bunch of people praying that it might work out. I had just decided that it would be best to wait and have kids later ( I wanted to work for a year first). My plan was that I was going to lose weight between now and our anniversary (October) and then we would try and get pregnant with some drugs. I was going to try and find a job for the school year and then get pregnant sometime between our anniversary and Christmas to have the baby in the summer. Maybe by me giving it all up to God and not pushing it, I'm going to get it sooner than I think (just without the pregnancy). Wouldn't that just be awesome. I told my mom about it and she got excited and told me it would be great to have two grandkids in the same year. AAAAAHHHHH!!! I guess so much for not getting too excited. LOL!

Lord, I just pray that your will be done in our lives. If you want us to adopt this little baby girl, then you will make it happen. Help us to be patient and to wait on you for everything. If this isn't what you want for us yet, please give us the wisdom to know. We want your timing in our lives. Thank you so much for all you have done. I also pray that the results from the labs in Atlanta come back as NO CANCER. But even in that we pray that your will be done. Give us the strength to take whatever the news is. We love you so much. Amen.

My God-Story

Ok, I promised that I would tell you all about my God-story from Oklahoma City. Here it is:

I got to go back with Scott to get prepped for surgery (IV in and change clothes, etc.) and when they took him to the O.R. I had to go to the waiting room. When I got out there, I saw a woman in a wheelchair. She wheeled over to me and said, "It's my husbands wheelchair, I'm just using it while he's in surgery." I thought, ok, no problem, none of my business. She commented to me about the artwork on the walls (which was beautiful). But then she came over and put the chair next to me and started telling me about her husband and how sick he was and how many problems she's had (which I have to admit at first made me feel very weird). I kept thinking, ok, enough, I don't know you so please leave me alone. But I kept my mouth shut and listened. She told me how her husband has diabetes, he's had many eye surgeries, and that now his kidneys aren't working and he's on dialasis because he doesn't qualify for a kidney transplant. She's had a couple of knee surgeries and finds it hard to care for her husband so he was in a home for awhile. He was in having cataract surgery at the time. I was feeling bad for her and their situation and figured that she must just need to vent and get it out, so I let her keep going. When she got done telling me about their health problems, she asked me who I was waiting for. I told her my husband and that he was having surgery on his eye because he has had cancer. She told me that it was too bad because we were so young, but she added that we needed to trust in God everyday because that was the only thing that was going to get us through. When she said that, she had my undivided attention. Not many people are going to say that in the middle of the waiting room to a complete stranger. So I agreed with her that we needed to do that and that prayer was one of the only things that kept us going at times. Well, that started a great conversation with her. She told me some stories about her and her husband that I thought were awesome. She said that they were just about broke because of their health problems and that her husband couldn't work anymore. But since he's in a wheelchair they had needed a van that was wheelchair accessable. So, she prayed about it and the next thing she knew someone was asking her if she knew of anyone needing a van. This person was wanting to give away a van (for free) to someone needing it. So she got her van. Then they needed a wheelchair lift, so she prayed for that. I can't remember all the details but she ended up talking to someone and they wanted to know if she knew of anyone needing a wheelchair lift built into a van. There was a group of guys that built those for community service projects (like from prison or something.....I don't know) but again God provided what they needed. Her story inspired me to trust in God and let Him do a work in our lives. About that time her husband was out of surgery and she went back to see him. She came back out with him a bit later and wheeled him over to the door. Then she walked over to me, sat next to me on the couch and asked if she could pray for me and Scott. I was so overwhelmed I could hardly say yes. And then I could hardly keep from crying. I told her when she was done praying that I would pray for her and her husband and she said she would pray for us. I just know that she was sent from God to encourage me and lift me up. I needed it just at that time. I don't know where she lives, what her last name is, or even her husbands name. I only heard the nurse say her name, Susan. I don't know if I will ever see Susan again or ever get to talk to her, but I know that I will always remember her and the encouragement I got from her. I can't wait to see her again in Heaven if I don't see her on Earth again. Thank you, Lord for sending people into our lives to encourage us.

Winter in more than one way

I have decided that it's winter in more than one way. It is winter outside (and it's a bad winter) with snow and ice. But it also seems like winter in our lives. It seems like we are at the lowest point of our lives (together). We have been fighting the cancer for almost a year now and I have to say that I'm sick of it. There are times that I just want to scream, hit, or throw something. I can't wait until the spring, literally and in our lives. I can't wait until this is all over and we can start over fresh and new without the cancer. Maybe if that happens we can start to worry about getting pregnant again. Looking back it seems silly that we worried so much (ok, I worried so much) about trying to get pregnant. I want kids, but I couldn't imagine going through this cancer with kids to take care of. Oh, I would do it if I had to, but isn't it great how God does know what is best in our lives. All I can say is: "Hurry up, Spring!"

Ok, now to let you all in on what's happening so far. Of course we had Scott's surgery and that all went well and the eye is healing great, (and I still have to share my God story). We go back on Monday and I'm guessing we will find out the results then. If the results say no cancer, then we are done for now (unless it comes back). But, if it is cancer we go again for surgery and they will take enough of the eyelid that the eyelid will have to be reconstructed. I'm a little scared, but I shouldn't be I guess (0r should I). Scott is feeling good right now, the eye isn't as swollen and it's not as purple (it's more red now). I hope he can handle another surgery if we have to. He should, he's tough. And I'll be right there for him.

Ok, I have to share this (only because it turned out so well) but this morning Scott was going to Hays for something at work and he and another guy took a Sharp Bros. truck. Well, about 11:30 he called me and told me he had been in an accident. Ok, I stayed pretty calm (unlike me) and he told me nobody was hurt and that they were ok, just shaken up. He said they were on interstate and they were going over a bridge and a semi was trying to pass them. I guess they lost control and thought they were going over the bridge, thank goodness they made it past the bridge, missed the semi, and just ended up in the ditch. He said they didn't roll, but they almost did. If I had known how bad it was out there I wouldn't have felt ok about him going. I would have made him stay home (if that's even possible). But at least no one was hurt. The ironic thing was that one of my first thoughts was, "I would rather have him alive to fight the cancer than gone." I mean come on, I want the cancer gone, but when his life is threatened by something else I pray that he sticks around to fight the cancer. It's funny how a person thinks sometimes. Well, I'm gonna go hang out with my sister. I'll try and remember to come back and tell my God story and let everyone know how things are going. We love you all!

Cancer, surgery, more cancer, more surgery

Ok, it's been way too long since I posted. We've been so busy it's not funny. Of course I posted when I was in Topeka about the ice storm and being stuck and then we went right from Topeka to our appointment in Oklahoma City (4th), then home and I started babysitting on Monday (8th) and then we had a very last minute trip to Oklahoma City again this past week when our new Dr wanted to do another biopsy on Scott's eyelid and that happened on Friday (12th). Wow! What a crazy couple of weeks. And just before that was Christmas which can get to be hectic just in itself. Ok, I bet everyone wants details about the surgery and how things went. I'll start from the beginning and then when I'm at the end....I'll stop. (I kind of stole that from a line out of Disney's Alice in Wonderland...hehe). Here goes:

Ok, at our last appointment in December (can't remember the date) we went to see a new doctor, a plastic surgeon, because Dr. Chodosh wanted to get another biopsy of Scott's eyelid and wanted the plastic surgeon to do it. We were kind of discouraged after that appointment because we felt like they didn't know what they were doing and well, we were just frustrated that we still weren't done with the cancer. Then we went in on the 4th of January and the Dr's knew more of what they wanted to do. The plastic surgeon (I won't type his name because I can't spell it) told us that we had two options with getting the tissue for the biopsy. He was going to either take the whole lesion or just take a "cookie cutter" and cut out circles of tissue to send in. Each one was going to have it's risks. If they took out the whole thing they had to go deep enough into the tissue of the eyelid that Scott would have to have reconstruction done and the function would probably never be the same. If he took out the circles then what if the cancer seeded deeper into the eyelid, would the chances of the cancer be greater? What if they took out the whole thing, messed up the function and then it turned out not to be cancer? But what if it was? Which risks were better to take? We were given until the 10th to decide what we wanted to do. We chatted with our families and got their opinions. Then we took what they said and came up with more questions for the Dr. (by the way our families wanted us to get the whole thing out whether it was cancer or not). We called both Dr's and talked again with them on the 8th and 9th. We were also told that we had to make a quick decision because there was an open surgery time on Friday (12th). We finally made our decision and told him to take the circles out for the biopsy. So on we went back down to OKC.

Scott's surgery went very well. We had to be there at 7:45 and surgery was at 9:00. It was a shorter surgery than the last one and they didn't put him out completely. He was just really drugged up and was half in and out. He was able to talk to them and they were able to talk to him. But I had a God moment in the waiting room while I was there. I won't tell you that story yet, but I will blog about it next time. It was so cool. But anyway, he got out of surgery at about 9:45 and we were able to leave about 10:00 or 10:15. The only bad thing about having the surgery when we did was that there was an ice storm going through OKC that started on Thursday night went on Friday and didn't let up until this morning (Saturday) We left anyway to come home and went through the 2nd one that was heading their way and made it home before the third one, which is supposed to hit tomorrow (Sunday). I guess that's the price you pay when you have cancer (or the possibility of more). We will find out this next week whether it is cancer or not in the eyelid. If it's not than we are done for now unless it comes back. But if it is, we look at another surgery for sure to take out the whole thing (which will ruin the eyelid) and I don't know if they will do the reconstruction during that surgery or have another surgery later. But if that happens Scott's eye will never look the same. I will accept it because it means the cancer will be gone, but his eyes are so beautiful (am I allowed to say that about a guys eyes?) that I might be a little sad. So now we are back to the familiar game of "Wait and See." We go back for sure on the 22nd of January to see the plastic surgeon and then to see Dr. Chodosh on February 13th. Oh, I want it to be over so bad. Then there's always the thought that the cancer has already spread and is just waiting to show it's ugly face. We were told that it could be somewhere else and just waiting to show up at a later time. I really hope not. But I guess we deal with it if it happens.

What kind of stinks right now is that I seem to get stressed out about all the trips, the thought of the cancer taking my husband, and other things, and when I'm stressed I tend to eat more and that does not work when you are trying to lose weight. I'm not one of those that loses weight when stressed or nervous, I eat and gain weight. Plus, being gone so much doesn't help me develop an exercise schedule. Ok, this should be the last thing on my mind while fighting cancer with my husband, but I just can't help it. I want to lose the weight for him, so he can have a better looking wife. Well, that's all all for now, but I'll blog in the next day or so and tell you my God story from the waiting room.

Still in Topeka

Well, here I am still in Topeka. We were supposed to leave today and go home, but we can't. They have declared a state of emergency where we are from. The people in our hometown told us we are to stay where we are. There is no power, no water, and they don't think we will have power until the middle of next week (maybe). We are leaving here on Wednesday, but not to go home. We are going to OKC for Scott's next cancer appt. (more about that in another paragraph). I'm torn right now. I don't want to go home because I dread what is going on there and I guess I would like to be away from it to pretend it didn't happen, but at the same time I am anxious to get home to be with the family that I have there. They are there trying to stay warm and sane in all the mess. We will try to get home on Thursday or Friday, but we don't know if we will even go home then, but I think we are going to try. It seems so weird that our town is going through all of this. Maybe it would seem more real if we were there in it. I hope everything turns out ok. I guess we will always remember this New Years. I also wonder if my brother and sister (in-law) are going to get sick of us. They said that they are glad that we got to stay, but there may come a time in the next day that they are so ready for us to go home. I don't want to wear out our welcome, that would not be cool.Ok, I guess on to the other paragraph I was talking about. I am so worried about Scott. My parents are worried too. My dad just talked to someone from Minnesota who had a son diagnosed with ocular melanoma and he only live about a year to a year and a half. My dad thinks that with all the recurrences we should have the Dr just take the whole eyeball and eyelid. I'm so torn, I would love it if they could save the eye, but if it means my husband living, I am ready for them to just take it out and get rid of it. I think about what I mentioned in one of my other blogs (about him dying) and I pray that it doesn't happen. But I will say that he has two more spots on his eyeball that look like the others did. I was hoping that 2007 would bring us a year without cancer (since we spent 3/4 of last year dealing with it). But it looks like the beginning of this year will be a continuation of last year. I hope I have the strength to go on. It's interesting really, I have found myself just sitting near Scott and trying to memorize all the looks he gets. I would love to start taking pictures of him just in case. I just stare at him hoping that if anything happens to him that I will always remember the little looks he gets. The serious ones, the silly ones, and the ones he gets when he's concentrating on something. If I were to lose him, I just pray that I would be able to go on. I waited so long for him to be in my life (I'll have to share that story sometime), and now I just hope that I get to be with him for a long time.Ok, that's enough. I don't need to get down already. I guess I just needed this time to share my feelings. I have yet to cry over all this cancer. I've tried to be tough and keep it all inside. I guess I'm afraid that if I break down that Scott will quit being strong through it all. This is my place to at least vent (even if I don't cry). Thank you for letting me vent.Dear Lord, I don't want to lose faith that you can heal Scott, but Lord, the truth is that you could take Scott anytime you want to. You have a plan for it all and that may include Scott going to Heaven in the near future. I pray that you would do your will in all this. Heal Scott if that's your will, and if not, please comfort his family, my family and me. I pray that I would always remember that no matter what you are my all and all I need is you to go on. I love Scott, but you are my strength and I love you more. Please forgive me for the times I have been bitter towards you with the baby thing. Forgive me for the other day when I said that you are just there teasing me with the baby thing. You love me and you want the best for me. Remind me of that. Keep us safe as we travel to OKC on Wednesday and then home on Thursday or Friday. I love you so much.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope everyone is having a great New Years Eve Day. Scott and I are having a blast. We got to visit my brother and sister (in-law). We hadn't seen them for so long and it was time to visit. I don't know how they feel, but I have loved being at their place. They are such lucky ducks today, they got tickets to the Chiefs game for today.......and I know they are going to have a blast. Scott and I (the old married couple we are) are going to take naps today so we can stay up tonight with the newlyweds ;) Scott's getting a little worried because as we watch the weather we aren't completely sure we will get to leave tomorrow like we planned. Western Kansas has been getting major ice and snow the past few days and now it looks like it has travelled east and we may be getting it here today and tomorrow. It wouldn't bother me if we got snowed in here, but I don't know if I would be the only one to feel that way. Scott is worried about work, and Matt and Tanna might be ready for us to get out of their hair (I know they love us, but there is such a thing as over-staying). Well, anyway(s) (haha....Tanna understands) the main thing is that we've had the greatest time here and it was wonderful to spend time with my baby brother and his wife (my new sister). By the way, have I mentioned before that they are having a baby? I can't wait to meet her, she's my first niece on my side! Jaelyn Lerae (isn't her name beautiful?) Ok, that's enough for today. I'll have to keep everyone posted on how we get home tomorrow (if we get to go home). Everyone have a great New Years and be safe. Let this be a time that you start over and forget the past, a time of healing and renewing your relationship with God.

Lord, I pray that you would take this time to show me how to change my life in this new year. I pray that you would forgive the ways I sinned and went against you this past year. I pray that this new year would be a new start for me (and Scott). I pray that you would do Your will in this cancer. If it be your will please heal it, and if it's not your will to heal it, please use it to change lives (ours and others). Keep us going strong but teach us to rely on you for our strength. Keep our families safe and bring them closer to you. Thank you so much for this chance to start new, but even as we mess up this next year help us to remember that each day is a chance for us to start new. Your mercies are new each and every morning. Thank you for that! I love you! Amen

Krissi

I got a wonderful Christmas present. Well, all my presents were nice, but I got a present that I wasn't expecting. In a sense I got my baby for Christmas like I wanted. I guess I just wasn't specific about the species of baby that I wanted. I got a new puppy. She is half German Shepard and the woman didn't know what the other half was. It is a funny story how we got her. On Christmas Eve my mom and I went to Garden City earlier than the others to get a few last minute gifts. We went to Walmart (which is such a zoo around Christmas). We had to hurry because we had to get to church by 6:00 and it was 5:30 when we got done. Well, my dad called to see where we were and told us he was in the parking lot waiting for us. As we left the doors there was a woman and like 5 children calling out "free puppy." I glanced over and saw the cutest puppy. Jokingly I told mom to tell dad to ask Scott if we could have a puppy. Scott said "no, the cats are enough." Well, dad had to see this really cute puppy, so up to the doors we went. Dad couldn't leave her on Christmas Eve, so he told us to take her anyway and if we really didn't want her they would take her. Well, she finally started growing on Scott and now she is ours. Her name is Krissi (short for Christmas, since I got her on Christmas Eve). Here is a cute picture I just took of her today. I had to show her off.

I think she is just the most adorable thing in the world. She was very scared at first and didn't do much of anything but sleep all the time, but now she has started playing and she loves the cats, they just don't love her. She wants to play and they can't get away fast enough. The woman said that Krissi was used to cats being around and I can see that now. Isn't she just so cute? I think she has an ornery look in her eyes, she's going to be a handful, but it's going to be fun to have her around. I want to train her to do all sorts of tricks, and to be a good dog. She's my Christmas baby!

It's not over till the fat lady sings

Remember the saying, "It's not over till the fat lady sings?" Well, the fat lady sang this past weekend. I'm not pregnant. I know that for a fact....I got a special visitor (ladies you know who I mean). Man, that stinks. Oh, well, the good thing is that I knew when I ovulated. Maybe my body is finally doing what it's supposed to. We are still planning on adopting, so I have that to look forward to. Plus, I've decided that before I get pregnant I would like to lose about 50 pounds. I know I don't have to, but I would like to. They say it makes for a healthier pregnancy, and you can lose the baby weight faster. Plus with me having pre-diabetes, it is just healthier for me to be at a lower weight. If I lose 50 pounds I will barely be in the overweight category, so I'm happy with that, but if for some reason I can lose more than that I would love it. I think the best weight for me would be around 135-145 pounds, but right now I'll settle for 150. Ok, I just realized that I told everyone what I weigh....but good news is that it won't be for long. I started exercising regularly and I keep very close track of what I eat...which helps me cut back on my eating. So if you happen to talk to me you can ask me how it's going with my weight loss. I can use all the encouragement I can get. I'm not a very disciplined person, so I tend to give up easily. Don't let me do that. I've been told that with my PCOS, that if I can lose weight that it can help me get pregnant without drugs, so I'm gonna try it. And if it doesn't work, we still have Clomid to try. And we are going to adopt no matter what (at least 1 or 2 kids). It's so funny, I thought I would be disappointed that I wasn't pregnant, but I keep thinking that now I can lose weight and have a better pregnancy if/when I do get pregnant. It's still kind of hard when I think about those around me getting pregnant, but at least for now I know that God has a plan for Scott and I, and it's a plan bigger than we could ever imagine.

Really quick I want to tell you a story (don't get sad or feel sorry for us....it's just thoughts). But Scott and I were talking the other day (when I still thought I was pregnant) and he said that he gets this feeling that God is going to let us adopt or get pregnant and then take him home. I had that same thought just a few days before he said anything. Now, I don't know that these thoughts will come true, but I thought I would share them with those close to me. I can't get myself to verbalize these thoughts so I can't tell anyone in person, but for some reason it's easier for me to type my thoughts. It could just be the way our minds are thinking....maybe a fear we have deep down. But I've always had this feeling that my time with Scott would be precious, but shorter than I would like it to be. I don't know......I can't say anything for sure....look at how the pregnancy thing turned out. Ok, now that I have that off my chest....I guess the best thing would be to pray about it....which I should have done first.

Lord, I thank you for being here with me. I am so glad that even though I wasn't pregnant that I'm still able to worship you and love you. I pray that you would be with us as we continue to battle this cancer. Be with us on Jan. 4th as we go back to OKC. I pray for the Christmas season, that we would all remember the real reason for celebrating. Keep safe those who are traveling. Thank you so much for the family that I have and that we are so close. I also pray for the thoughts that Scott and I had. I pray that if they aren't from you that you would take them away, and if for some reason they are from you as a preparation for the future, then be with us and comfort us and guide us. Thank you so much for all you've done....for coming down as a baby and then later on dying for our sins and saving us from Hell. You are awesome. I love you!

Am I going to get a miracle?

I am so confused right now. I don't think that God would lie to me about giving me a miracle for Christmas, but maybe I'm looking too hard for a specific miracle. When I started praying for a Christmas miracle, I was thinking about adoption. I thought that maybe God would speed things up and allow us to get a child in our home for Christmas. Well, shortly after that I started having the feeling that God really was going to give me a miracle. Now I don't know if He's giving me the miracle I think I'm getting or if I'm just wishful thinking. Note that I was not even thinking about pregnancy, and all of a sudden I feel pregnant and I'm having symptoms.....and then of all things my dad says something to me that makes me think twice. He teased me about having a "bun in the oven." Ok, he was teasing, but maybe there was something to it. But now I'm starting to doubt myself. I've taken two tests and they've both been BFN (big fat negative). Scott said I just tested too soon (he thinks I am pregnant....or maybe he just doesn't want me to be disappointed). I can't help but think that maybe we are going to be one of those stories of a couple who tried and tried to have a baby and didn't get pg until they started adopting. Ok, wanna know the other weird thing, the due date that I keep coming up with (not a for sure thing) is pretty much to the day of when I miscarried last year. As Scott keeps saying, "That's something God would do." Plus, it's always been my dream to be able to announce I was pg at Christmas. But if God is answering my prayer and I get my Christmas miracle, why are the tests all negative? Is God teaching me patience or is God letting me wait since I wouldn't be able to keep the secret very long anyway? I've been told that I just need to go see the dr so they can do a blood test to see for sure.....but can I handle it if it's really negative? Is it finally my chance or am I making it all up in my mind? I've had two pg women tell me they think I am, but I keep doubting. Have any of you heard Martina McBride's new song "Anyway"? It's a great song and Scott keeps reminding me of the lyrics of the song, but a part of the song talks about dreaming a dream that may never happen, but I'm gonna dream it anyway. The other night I was bummed and doubting and Scott told me to remember that part of the song and just keep dreaming and hoping that I was pregnant. This is the first time ever that Scott has been almost as sure as me that I'm pregnant. He said he has a strong thoughts....but he doesn't know if it's God telling him or if he's just looking at my symptoms and thinking I am. Is it something that he has had these thoughts this time and not any other time? I AM SO CONFUSED!!!!!!!! I get on the internet all the time now not only to chat with people that might be able to give me answers, but to look up some answers myself. And for right now the only thing I've learned is that I know almost everything about looking for signs of pregnancy. I think I'm going insane (at least temporarily) because I think I keep looking for a new website that will say something to the effect of, "Melissa Soodsma, you are finally pregnant!" I know it will never happen that way, but I just can't help but look anyway. I guess I just needed to vent again, but I will keep everyone posted as to how it all turns out.

Exhausted

I'm so exhausted. I thought we might be on the downhill side of the cancer. It seemed like we got such good reports the last two times we were down in OKC. Our Dr. told us that he just wanted a little more tissue scraped off the eyelid, but now we just found out that we get to endure another surgery. The results of the tests run by the pathologists were inconclusive. The tissue was crushed and they thought they found more cancer cells, but they can't be for sure. But now they are worried about how to get this other tissue. If they don't get enough of it the first time it could spread very fast (it tends to do that if you disrupt it), but they're not sure how much they need to take. I feel so tired of all this. I can sleep at night, take naps, rest during the day, anything, and I still feel exhausted. It has just taken so much out of me, out of both of us. I knew that cancer was hard, but I guess I didn't understand how hard it is....and how long and drawn out it can be. That's the tiring part....it's not like the flu; you don't just get sick, and then get over it. You fight and fight and fight, and hope that you've done enough. I guess I just need to vent. I so thought we were on the downhill slope. I thought we were going to be done and be able to get on with adopting (we aren't going to quit, though) but I just don't know if it's the right time yet to bring a child into our home. I want it to be a stable environment, not traveling to a daddy's cancer appointments. I guess God will decide that for us. He'll give us our children when He sees fit. I guess if we have to wait, we will. I won't push it and force Him to give us kids too early (not that I could anyway). It may still be kind of hard if we have to wait longer, but if I've gone this long what's a little longer right? Ok, I'm so tired and I don't feel like making this a long sermon-like blog today.

Lord, I just pray for us right now. Give us the strength to go on. We know that we can do all things with You and right now we are depending on you to go on. We can't do it without you. I pray for healing in Scott's eye. I pray that the Dr's would know what to do and how to do it. Give them wisdom in all of this. Work through their hands. Thank you for all you have blessed us with and thank you for providing through the cancer. You have given us more than we could ever have imagined. Thank you again. I love you!

Thanks!

I have to say a public thank you. I have a wonderful friend who just happens to be my sister (in-law). I was down and out and she brought to my attention that I was wrong in my thinking. She loves me enough to be honest with me, yet do it in a kind and gentle way. I can't wait to see how she is with the baby, because I know she will make the bestest mommy in the whole world. I miss her so much and I wish that she lived closer to us, but I would never wish her to be anywhere than where she is, because she is happily married (to my wonderful brother) and having a great time in Topeka. I've realized that family is so important. You can't shut them out just because you feel a certain way. They won't know how you are feeling unless you let them know. It's all about communication. Whether it's your spouse or a mom or dad or sister or brother. You can't keep it all bottled inside. Not only is it good for them (family) to know, but it's good so you don't keep it to yourself and suffer more than you have to. I guess I still have a lot to learn when it comes to living life. It's so hard....but then again, God never promised us it would be easy. I have to remember that God has a plan for my life and it is a good and wonderful plan. It's better than I could ever imagine, even if it's different than what I think it should be. I should be remembering this verse:

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Jeremiah 29:11

It goes on from there and says some more wonderful things, but even if I just remember that part of the scripture it's a great promise for me.....for everyone. Because God doesn't just have plans for me, but for everyone. He never makes mistakes, His will is perfect as long as we follow Him. Now I'm not saying I won't have days that I forget this. I know I will have times that I want my will over His will, but I hope that He reminds me that it is better His way. The view He has is like the view from an airplane...He can see everything in front of us, but our view is from a dashboard perspective....all we see is what is right there, we can't see what's coming up. We need to trust the one who see's it all.

Another verse that I just thought of is Psalm 37:4. It says:

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

I used to think that it meant that you would get what you wanted if you made God happy (almost like doing favors for each other). Scott and I had a discussion (many discussions) about this verse. He did his research and found out that the phrase "delight yourself in the Lord" means something different than we think. It means that we need to make ourselves soft and pliable to God.....like soft clay. Open yourself up to His will and you will get the desires of your heart, because the desires of your heart become God's desires for you. Does that make sense? It didn't to me at first. But I think I get it. Now, I know that doesn't mean that God doesn't like blessing us with things we want or we enjoy. He's like any other father with his children, He has a soft spot for us and likes to bless us. Ok, this turned out to be almost a sermon. I'm sorry about that. I started and I just couldn't stop. Maybe this was God's way of letting me speak to someone who needed it. So if this spoke to you give God the thanks because it was Him who used my fingers to type it.

Lord, Thank you for family, thank you for friends, thank you that we have each other to help us through tough times. Remind me that I can be open and honest with them. I thank you for the blessings that you have given to me so far in my life and I also thank you for the miracles that you have done in my life. I said before that you don't give me miracles, but you do. The first one was actually giving me life, and since then, there have been too many to mention on this blog. I pray for health and safety for Matt and Tanna's baby. Help Tanna with her gallbladder troubles and help the rest of the pregnancy to go well. Help calm her fears as the time draws near for the baby to be born (March/April). Thank you again. I love you!