Down in the dumps

I guess tonight is my time to be a little down. I don't know what my problem is, but I'm feeling kind of depressed. Maybe it's because of some things going on right now that I can't mention. I will hopefully be able to talk about it after awhile. Just pray for me. It just started tonight during practice. I was in the middle of singing and having a great time...and all of a sudden I just didn't feel like myself. I was feeling like I didn't want to do anything. I don't know...it was just strange. I can understand if I would have had a bad day, but my day was fine. It was my last day of school. I should have been so happy that nothing could bring me down. But that's not what is happening. I do go to a dr appointment tomorrow, so I guess maybe I'm nervous about that. I never know what the dr will say when it comes to my womanly issues. Things are still not better. I'm supposed to have an ultrasound tomorrow so maybe they will have some answers. I hope so. Thanks for taking the time to read this and letting me vent to you. I'll hopefully be more upbeat next time. God Bless You!

God is still working

Well, God is still at work. Can you believe it??? ;) I guess I knew that, but it's always nice when He really does show himself. I was not paying attention in Sunday School today. (By the way I go to sunday school with scott and he teaches the high school kids). There is a verse that I have had people quote to me (and make me angry) that kept coming to mind this morning. It's Psalm 37:4 which is the verse that says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." My argument has always been that the verse was a lie because I delighted in the Lord and He won't give me the desires of my heart. Which at times has made me question the Bible. Ok, that's a whole other subject. But this morning this verse kept coming to mind and I tried to shoo it away, but it wouldn't go away. So I got my Bible and looked it up. Did you know that I have never read around that verse? If I have I have never paid attention. Can I just say, "Whoa!!!" There went God again. The whole chapter 37 talks about the wicked and how it seems that they prosper and the righteous don't, but not to be angry when it seems that way because in the end they will perish and the righteous will prosper. That has been exactly how I've felt lately. Everyone who does bad things seems to be blessed with children galore, while we live a good clean life (without drugs and alcohol, etc.) and haven't been able to have children. I've been very bitter and angry about that. But then God steps in and speaks this to me. That it will seem like the wicked gets their way, but in the end they are the ones who perish. So if you get a chance, read Psalm 37 and let me know what you think of that. I know others that think the same way I do that life just isn't fair and it seems bad people get good things.....but God still has His hands in it all. He knows what He's doing (very hard to remember that). It's like I taught to the young youth group (Fishers Of Men) at church today....Joseph had a very hard life. He was sold as a slave by his brothers, he was thrown in jail for doing the right thing and yet God was in it all and it was all in His plan. WOW!!! Can't wait to see what my story turns out to be.

God does not forget us

To start this I need to show you an e-mail that I sent to a friend just today. It went something like this:

Tina,
Thank you for just being here for me. And thank you for the card....I try so hard to remember and actually believe that God does have a plan for me. I just get so frustrated because I don't know what it is. Sometimes I feel so alone like God has just left me hanging by myself. I "know" that He hasn't, but I just can't seem to grasp that. I feel like he forgot to make a plan for me and forgot that he forgot (does that make sense?). I just feel like I'm hanging here with nothing to do. That's a lot of feelings....lol!

Not more than 10 minutes after sending that to her, I was bored and was searching GodTube for something to watch. I figured if I was going to watch something good, it would be better from GodTube. I just happened upon (yeah....what a coincidence) a video of Chonda Pierce. I had heard of her, but had never seen or heard her speak. She is very funny and I enjoyed listening to it, and then God spoke......well, she did, but it was His words. If you watch the video you will understand (after you've read my e-mail above). She was singing a song that is very familiar to me, but I guess I've never really heard the words like I did today. It was the song "What A Friend We Have In Jesus." She sang it and then spoke a little more and mentioned that God does not forget us......did you read that.....HE DOES NOT FORGET US!!! I had just said to someone that I felt like God forgot about me. I don't even think there's anymore to say about that.

Here's the link for the video:
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=7365160ae77a62187f3d&page=1&viewtype=&category=mvd

Misc.

I guess it's about time I blogged again. I'm not sure what to say. Not a lot has been going on lately. Well, I guess I could talk about the service that I had this past Sunday in Alta Vista (and of course we had a concert there). Ok, I'll start with the concert. Our band (Ever After--Everlasting...lol) played in Alta Vista last Saturday. It rained....and it was freezing cold. It was miserable, but it was worth it to sing and play. But nothing compared to doing the worship at my parents church. That is what I was created to do was sing worship music....well, we all were, but you know what I mean. And I did get to sing that song that really spoke to me. It was a very powerful song and I amost cried when I sang it. But the most important part of the weekend happened Sunday afternoon before we left for home. We had a service in memory of our two babies. It was a beautiful service. And it was kind of odd, it was beautiful during the service (which was outside), but in a matter of minutes after it was done it got cold and cloudy....Thank you God! I had music and poems (even Scott read a poem and two verses). I read one poem and made a total fool of myself with my crying. But it's all good. Then we lit candles (2 pink ones) and we did it like a unity candle....my hands were shaking so bad. It was very good for me to have this closure. It's helped already. To be perfectly honest as of a week and half ago Scott and I were going to seperate....really. It's been so stressful with me grieving the loss of our daughters and then to be rejected with the adoption. It was just too much for me, and Scott didn't know what to do. One night we fought, very bad, and we both decided that maybe we should just go our seperate ways. Things are so much better now. I pray that no one ever decides that seperation is a way to solve marriage problems. I'm glad that we stuck it through and let God heal us. We are still cautious about what we say to each other and how we treat each other, but I bet that's a good thing. We will be stronger after all of this. Now we just have to make the decision to try and adopt again (I'm against this one), try some more fertility treatments (I don't know about this one financially), or just stay childless (can I handle that one?). It is so hard. And then I get frustrated with all my womanly problems, which does affect our marriage (intimately). I'm still waiting for a dr to give me some clear answers as to what is going on. Ok, I started out saying that I didn't have much to say, and look at how much I've said already. I've skipped around on a lot of subjects. But I should go. I need to get motivated around my house, but I get so tired and worn out (iron deficency?). I'll try and keep my blog more updated. God Bless you all!!!

Proof that God is still working

These are lyrics to a song that I heard on the radio tonight. I've been listening to it over and over for about 30 minutes now. I am claiming what this song says. I did have it out with God last night. I spent time just Him and I and I did yell and Him....but I feel so much better. I still feel somewhat angry, but I can at least believe that He does love me and He is holding me and comforting me. I am working on this song to sing as a special at my parents church this coming Sunday....we'll see if I get it done. Just in case you want to hear the song it is called "You're Not Alone" and it's by Meredith Andrews. It's a brand new song on the radio......wow! God does still work.

You're Not Alone
I searched for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone but you found me where I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
singing

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
**sayin'

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true...
Forever For my love will carry you....

You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

Please don't say any kind of "I told you so." I'm going out on a limb in blogging about this. Just let me say what I need to say and then if you have to say anything, just say that you love me or that you are here....or whatever sounds like something you'd want to hear if you just lost a loved one. It is very disappointing to not get the two girls, but I don't think that's why I'm so angry and grieving. If you go back to my earlier blogs you will remember that I lost a baby last year (August). I don't think I ever mentioned this in the blog, but I was supposed to be giving birth this week. (just an estimate) And not only that, but I was supposed to give birth two years ago on the 15th of this month. I mentioned earlier on that I never grieved over this last baby. I didn't feel like I could. Two days after I passed the baby, Scott had a surgery on his eye. I'll also never forget what it felt like (both times) to start bleeding and cramping, and then pass the baby. I also feel like I'm the only one that feels that these babies were real. That to everyone else they were nothing but tissue and blood. I just want someone to feel their loss as personally as I do, to confirm that they were both real people. That they did mean something. Don't give me any clever lines to make me feel better, just grieve with me. Let me cry, let me be angry, let me say what I need to say in my grief. Most of it I probably won't mean, but I just want to get it out.
Oh, how my arms ache. It's as if they have a mind of their own and know that they should have something to do....but there's nothing for them to do and they are lost. They ache, they tingle, even the muscles in my arms twitch. I don't think I can handle this.......I don't understand it......Why? WHY???? I feel so lost, I want to shut out real life and lock myself in my own world....I don't want to see anyone. I don't want anyone to try to say something clever to make me feel better.
What would my babies look like? I would have a toddler and a newborn right now. And if we go back even farther, I would actually have an almost 7 year old. I just feel so alone right now....I don't know what to do....I don't know......what have I done wrong? What could I have done differently to change all this? What's wrong with me? I just want my babies......I want to hold them and hug them and kiss them......I want my babies....

We're not getting the girls.

and I don't want to hear that it's all in God's hands or that it wasn't in His will, OK?

Patience

Ok, I'm going nuts. I thought I would do better when it came to waiting about news on the two girls, but I'm just not doing well at all. It's hard to sleep, and I'm getting moody. This is crazy. I don't even know if we are getting them or not. And on Monday when I'm waiting to hear the news after they have the meeting.....I don't even want to think about it. Poor Scott...he's going to need therapy after this I think. Just because he's had to put up with me. I am so nervous. I don't know how I will react on Monday. If the news is good, I don't know if I will scream or be calm about it. If the news is not good, I don't know if I will cry or what. Either way, I think I will have to talk to somebody. I don't think I will be able to keep it to myself. Oh, I hope and pray that we get these girls. I would love to raise them as our own and give them the love they deserve. Even Scott told me that he's been thinking about them a lot lately. Thinking about what we will do together as a family. He doesn't show his touchy-feely side much, but he did tell me that he wishes we already had a family. So even though it doesn't look like it bothers him, it really does. I hope this is our chance at a family. We want it so bad. I will blog after I know something. Stay tuned for the latest next week.

Getting the New Eye!

I guess the only thing to tell you is that this is what happened when Scott got his new eye. Because of the time it takes to upload pictures on our computer, I only uploaded some of the 44 pictures that we have. Enjoy....and I hope it doesn't gross anyone out too bad.


In the parking lot, getting ready to leave
for the dr's office.



Matching the eyeballs....ewww! I do need
to tell you that we watched him paint the eyeball.
He makes them right there on the spot (and he himself
paints them). He is very talented and was able to match
the color perfectly. Ask me how it's done and I'll explain how
it's done....it would take up too much space to do it on here.



The Eyeball!






This was the eyeball before the eyelids
were sculpted.



Sculpting the eyelids...looks like peanut
butter all over his eye.





Looking better.





Perfecting the eyelids.






Can't even hardly tell that the eye is
not real.



Scott was really asleep when I took this
picture. This was the weirdest thing to
look at.



This is the real Scott coming out.
The eye was supposed to come out because
it wasn't glued into place earlier (it needed
to dry). We knew it would fall out, but weren't
expecting it quite so soon. We went to Olive Garden to eat and it came out while we were there......but it didn't fall in the spaghetti thankfully...lol.





Scott left the eye on the table at the motel for the night (we're glueing it in on Sunday morning). This was the weirdest thing to wake up to. It looks like someone just scooped out a part of Scott's face. It is very real looking.

Well, I hope you enjoyed looking at parts of the process of getting a new eye and eyelids. I have more pictures and if you are around me I will show you the photo album that I made with all the pictures.

AAAAHHHHH!!!!

Guess What!!! The meeting has been set. We find out if we get to adopt the girls on April 7th. I'm so excited and nervous. I can't believe it's really here....and yet I also think, what took them so long. I don't know if we will get them or not, but we are in the running and they will discuss us as a family at the meeting. Our social worker will be on the phone with them (conference call) and representing us. She will do her best to convince them that we should be the adoptive family. I hope so. Oh, now the next week will go by so slow....and I'll have a hard time concentrating (lol). Poor Sylvia (my boss). She won't know what to do with me. And especially on the 7th, I'll be a nervous wreck. The good thing is that the meeting is at 1:00 in the afternoon, so they probably won't come to a decision until after I'm home from work. Oh, I can't believe that we could find out we will be parents in a week....Please, Lord, grant this request of mine to be the mommy of two little girls that I just know are the most beautiful things in the world. Amen.

Please Pray!

The last post got too long, so I thought I would just do another one for this piece of news. I am going to the dr on Thursday. I'm a little nervous (just because of my last experience). I'm trying a new dr, so we'll see how it goes. My symptoms have been getting really bad. In fact I can't even hardly do anything because I double over in pain. If I sit down and stay still, I am ok. But if I stand or walk too much I'm on the floor in a hurry. There are other things going on, but I won't mention them (tmi.....so I won't go there). I've been told my several people that I probably have endometriosis, and from all my research lately, I'm pretty sure that's what it is. It makes me a little nervous. I still can't help but think I will have to have a hysterectomy, but it's all in God's hands. And if it means that I get better and life gets back to normal, then I'm willing to do it. Scott is ok with me getting it all taken out, because if I do have endometriosis, the chances of cancer goes up. So I guess my main reason for this post is to have you pray for me that the dr would do the tests needed to find out the reason behind all the pain and other things. I don't think birth control is the answer. That's just a band-aid for the symptoms, not finding out the reason. I hope I can get some answers in a couple of days....and then after that we will hopefully get some news on the two girls also.

Pruning

Ok, I bet you are wondering about the title to this post. It's sounds weird.....but it's what God is doing to me right now. I know it's for the best, but it does not make it any easier. I've already told my family this, and of course Scott knows about it, too. I will share it with you. Please don't fight me on this. I held off on telling my family about it because I feared that they would think I was giving up on my faith. I'm not giving up on my faith, in fact right now I have to have more faith than ever before. God has been speaking to me for awhile now and I've been fighting Him. It's been making me miserable in the process. God told me that I will never bear my own children.....yes, that is a very hard thing to take in. (that's why I've been fighting it). I've been angry, I've been in denial, and so many other things along the way. But now I'm coming to the acceptance part. Whenever I've told people that we are going to keep trying for our own it's been more trying to convince myself that it can happen. It won't happen, it's not part of God's plan for us. I asked Him the other night why it had to be me. "Why can't You pick on someone else, why me?" The answer?? (God speaking) "Melissa, why wouldn't I pick you?" In other words, God has specially picked me to love and raise children that will be on earth no matter what and will just be tossed away. Even Scott told me that I have a gift to love other peoples children. This is not an easy thing to digest. It's been my life's desire to get pregnant and enjoy a life growing inside me. But it's not going to happen. It's still hard to see a pregnant woman, and I will still go through some grieving (who wouldn't), but I have given it up to God. I'm putting my faith and trust in Him to give us the children that we so desire. Maybe it will be the two girls (still haven't heard anything). I am now praying that God will allow us to adopt an infant so I can experience that part (even though so many people tell me I'm lucky if I can skip that). I still hang on to the idea that I will see three babies in Heaven that started out life in my womb, but were called home. Actually, I got a poem from a friend that I would like to share. It brought tears to my eyes, and then I printed it out to hang on my wall.

HEAVEN'S NURSERY
In Heaven there must surely be
A special place, a nursery
Where 'little spirits' not fully grown
Go to live in their Heavenly home.

The angels must attend with love
Tiny spirits on wings of doves,
The choir of angels must sing lullabies
Maybe quieten their tiny cries.

The Father must come by each day
To cuddle and play in a special way
These tiny spirits left earth too soon
Little ones called Home from the womb.

These sparks of life did not perish
But came to the Father's love to cherish,
To grow and be taught in His own arms
Safely away from all earthly harm.

The comforter was sent to earth at once
To the parents who lost their little one
Their hearts so ache, their arms feel empty
The question 'why' seems so tempting.

Then all at once in the midst of tears
There comes a peace that stills the fears
The parents share the Father's own need
To hold their tiny spirit being.

They relinquish their own desperate hold
And release their baby to the Father's fold,
Then comes an angel to whisper the truth
Of a nursery in Heaven bearing rich fruit

Of tiny spirits chosen to worship the Father
A place that couldn't be filled by another,
Called to be spared from the struggles of earth,
Chosen to be one of Heaven's births.

So Father, whisper words of love from me
To our unborn 'life' in your nursery.

(isn't that beautiful?)

A Blessing From God

I will be the first to admit that I've been through a lot in my 26 years in this world. Yes, there are those that have been through worse than me, but during my trials I feel like I'm worse off than anyone else ever could be. (that would be my selfish nature coming out) And I know deep down that even in all the bad that happens, God has a good and perfect plan for me. He can turn something bad into something good. I have had moments when I clearly see that and this is one of them. And right now I feel like all that I've been through is worth it, if it helps another person. Ok, if I was in the middle of it I would not be thinking that. I'm not one of those people that gets a flat tire and says "Praise the Lord!" No, I get mad just like anyone else would. But then later when I see how it kept me from a fatal car accident I do thank God for what He did. If my trials can help another person or encourage them to go on, I can make it through. I should feel blessed that even if my girls didn't get to live on earth, they are touching lives. What a proud mommy moment. (it doesn't make me miss them any less). If nothing else good comes from this blog, I hope that it can encourage someone that is going through hard times. I remember at one time on my blog I prayed that God would use it to bless someone. Thank you, Jesus, that you used it for a good purpose. It's always after the rain and the storm that you see the rainbow.....and aren't rainbows such a beautiful blessing from God?

A little bit of news!!!

I had to blog about this. I just got a little bit of news from my social worker. They should have the meeting planned by this Friday. So we could find out within a couple weeks (for real this time) that we are going to have two little girls. My heart is pounding, I'm so excited. But I'm even more nervous than excited. I think about what if they don't pick us.....then I think...what if they do pick us???? These are the same feelings that I get when I have suspected that I'm pregnant. I will so keep everyone posted. This is so exciting.

For my girls

Dear Angel and Amanda,
Mommy misses you so much. I've been thinking about you a lot. It's getting closer to when it would have been your birthday. We have our names submitted to adopt two little girls. If we get them we will have two little girls just like we were supposed to have. Are you keeping your great-grandpa in line? He can be ornery, but he's a lot of fun. I bet you already know all that. I told him before he went to Heaven that he needed to take care of you two. Actually, I told him about your older brother, also. I hope you found him too. I know he has a different daddy than you do, but he is still just as special. You all three have the same heavenly Father, and he's the one who takes care of you now. I can't tell you how much I really do miss you guys. I wish I could have held you and kept you for a while longer. Well, I have to go for now. Remember how much I love you.
Love,
Mommy

I think I figured it out

I think I figured it out........I figured out why I've been so baby sensitive lately. My baby Amanda Joy was supposed to be born in the month of April (or end of March) and I've been grieving over her. I never really took the time to grieve over her when she died in August. I made myself be tough and not cry over her like I should have. My anger is part of the grieving process.....it's normal. And it's good that I've been letting it out. Now I just need to go have a good cry and let it all out. I do have a letter that I wrote to Amanda in September. I think I will share it.

9/2/07
Amanda,
I know you wn't be able to recieve this letter, but I want to write it to you. We chose your name because the meaning is true. We love you even if we never got to meet you or know you. You are already in Heaven but I hope you found your sister, Angel. YOu make sure she takes care of you. She's been in Heaven for 2 years now so she'll show you around. We miss you both so much. We're trying so hard to adopt a little boy, so if we do you'll have an older brother. We'll tell him about you. I hope in remembering you we pay attention to your middle name. We need to remember to have the joy of the Lord in all situations. We also have to remember Angel's middle name, Faith. We have to keep the faith as well as joy. We can't wait to meet you at the gates of Heaven. God will let you know when we're coming. I love you more than you know.
Love,
Mommy

Can I add as a sidenote (I just realized this too) that I think God chose the names that we picked for our little girls. Faith and Joy.....those are the two things I am struggling with now.....Ok, God, I get the message.

another added note: I didn't mention this in the letter, but the meaning that i found for the name Amanda that made me choose it was "she who must be loved"

Have any of you ever been stabbed or anything of the kind? I just wondered if anyone knew how painful it really is to have that happen. I never have and that's the only thing I have to compare my pain to. If any of you have been reading my blog you know that the desire of my heart is a child. What I don't always let on is how much it hurts. It seems like when I'm hurting the most is when I hear about everyone in the world getting pregnant. And when I hear that it feels like something stabbing my heart and I can't get rid of the pain. Sometimes my arms just ache. This sounds crazy (and hopefully I don't get admitted to the psych ward) but there are times that I sneak to my basement and I grab a doll of mine and just pretend that I have a baby. But my arms literally ache to hold a child of my own (or that's been adopted). Sometimes it just hurts so bad that I have to hold something to make it feel better. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but that's how it is. I get so tired of putting on my mask of joy and happiness, when deep down I'm angry, bitter, and so, so disapointed. I can grieve over it and feel better and just about the time that the wound has almost healed shut, bam, I hear about another pregnancy and the wound is ripped open. And I try so hard to keep a smile on my face and act excited (because if I were ever pregnant I would be so excited and want others to be just as excited). I know it's only fair to act excited for the new life, but deep down I just hurt. I smile big and try to distract people from the fact that my lip is quivering and if I try and say anything I will lose my cool and start crying. I just don't understand God's plan. I know that He has promised that He has a good and perfect plan, but what happened to the plan for me? What happened to that? Why won't He give me the desire of my heart when he gives so many others the desires of their hearts? I just don't get it. I know this is probably depressing, but maybe, just maybe if someone reads this they might understand the feelings going on inside of me....or maybe it will help others understand what goes on inside of me when I'm really wearing a mask to cover up the hurt and pain I feel. I will admit that I am angry and probably a little bitter.....ok, a lot bitter. I guess maybe that's my prayer request. That I would maybe give up my anger and bitterness. And that I would understand the will of God in my life.....just pray for me.

Great Weekend

Wow!! I had the best weekend. I needed it. My parents came back for the weekend and Matt and Tanna came too (with Jaelyn of course). It was busy and exhausting, but so much fun. I couldn't hardly stay awake at work today, but it was worth it. I miss them already. And it is so exciting, Jaelyn is walking now, and she says my name (Issa). I really think she's a genius......but I'm not biased in my opinion am I....lol! Oh, and if you ask her how old she will be on her birthday she will hold up one finger. Matt and Tanna said that they've been working on that with her. I hope if we get to be parents that we are parents like them.

It was a great weekend. I really think that we need to get Topeka and Alta Vista moved closer to Healy. I think the middle part of the state and the eastern part need to switch places. Can I get that done?

I still have not heard anything about the girls. Scott and I are getting very frustrated. If we can't have our own, then we are okay adopting, but they have to let us adopt. I guess I'll share the story. So far there is only one other family interested in the girls besides us. But they are not even able to adopt through KCSL yet. They are giving them 2-3 months to get their stuff done. You know, when we wanted to adopt two other little girls, we were not allowed to submit our names until we had everything done....which we didn't get done in time to submit for those girls. AAAAHHHH!!! It makes me so mad. I just don't get it. But we are still really excited about Scott's new eye and the fact that he is still cancer-free (has been since October 2007). I'm so proud of him. He's a strong guy and he's had such a good attitude. But any of you who know him, know that he's ornery. Well, I gotta go take a nap. My family wore me out. I'll clean my house later (fameous last words...lol).

Lord, I have not prayed on my blog for awhile. Please bless those that read it. Help Scott and I to be patient with everything. We know that you have a plan for our lives and that it is for our good. I know I get down, but just be patient with me and I'll eventually figure out that You are truly in control. Thank you, Lord, for family and friends that I can laugh with and be cheered up by. You are awesome. I love you!!!

Life gets discouraging

I'm not really sure exactly what I'm going to say. But I've been having a hard time here lately and it's time that I journal a little. Maybe by blogging I can help myself and maybe help some others that might be feeling some of the same things sometime. I've been getting so discouraged. I don't understand sometimes what my purpose in life is. I'm not sure if I should be doing more singing, should I be working harder to have children, or should I just focus on nothing. I have a job that I love (working with 3-5 year olds), and I am the worship leader at my church, but is that all I'm supposed to do. My big dream is to still be a mommy. And it seems that it's just not going to happen. I feel like God is even closing the door to adopting. We've submitted our names and just cannot get chosen to adopt any children. Am I destined to never be a mommy? I also just can't see that Scott and I will ever have our own children. I have too many womanly problems, and of course Scott's chances of producing children are very small (his count is very low). When I look at everything we have been through I should not have anything to even be discouraged. God has brought Scott and I through a very long and hard trial with cancer that just drained us. Now we are on the upside of it and I keep finding things that I'm not happy with. I keep thinking that if God will not bless us with children (adoption or birth) then maybe we need to focus on music. But sometimes I feel like God has shut the door on an outside music ministry (because he did call me to be the worship leader). And of course the more I want a child, the more pregnant women I see and meet. I get so angry sometimes. And it's not that I really dislike the women, it's just that I resent that they are mommies and I'm not. It's nothing personal against them. And I get angry when it seems so easy for those women to get pregnant. I have a sis-in-law (scott's sister) that has been able to choose the exact moment she concieved. It seems like so much work for Scott and I to try to get me pregnant that we have pretty much given up. And I keep trying to remember the movie "Facing the Giants" and preparing my field for the rain (I think I discussed this in an earlier blog), but I get so discouraged that God will never send "the rain." What am I doing wrong? Sometimes I wish that I would find out that we were just missing an important part of conception. Kind of a duh thing. Then it would be easy to get pg. But I'm pretty sure we do know what to do....it just doesn't work. Well, I guess that's enough getting depressed. The good thing is that when I write or type then I feel better, so after you read this I'm probably already feeling better. Thanks for letting me vent.

Still a little graphic, keep the warning in mind.

These pics are all from the same photo shoot. (lol....Scott was just so excited to be the model). They were all taken on February 1, 2008. There are so many because I couldn't figure out which picture was the best. I'll post them all so you can see it from all the angles. There is no packing in the eye socket, because there is no hole to put it. To me that makes it no so graphic, but others may feel different. Here goes:

And of course as soon as Scott gets his new eye I will probably be taking lots more pictures. I'll make sure to blog those too.