New Treatment

Oh, I also wanted to share that I think we are going to put-off doing the all natural fertility stuff and we are going to do an all-natural treatment for my bipolar.  I'm just leary about trying drugs right away, but I will do it if I have to, I just want to try herbs and vitamins if I can.  Anyway, I just thought I should share that too since I have been sharing my thoughts and things about my bopolar.  

"God" feelings

Has anyone ever experience gut feelings that have been from God?  I seem to experience those sometimes and very rarely are they wrong.  Sometimes it gets scary, but not in like a horror movie scary, just in a weird, I can't believe this is going on scary.  I knew my sis-in-law Tanna was pregnant before she even found out (I told her she was and she denied it until she took a test and it was positive).  I knew my other sis-in-law Tonya was pregnant.  I kept telling Scott that she was pregnant (this was going on like the whole month of August and September) and at the end of September she told me she was pregnant.  Then I told Scott that my good friend Sabrina was going to have a baby this year and that I thought she was pregnant...within two weeks she told me she was pregnant (ok so far they seem to have to do with babies).  I also have been able to have a gut instinct with Marti.  I seem to be able to tell when she's doing something.  Whenever she's gotten into major trouble (well, not extremely major...just more than we like) I've had a feeling about it before it happened.  Maybe the Marti thing is just a Mother's instinct, I don't know.  But it is kind of weird.  I just wanted to share cause it is just weird to me.  Maybe I'm insane, maybe I'm not.  I don't know.  It's just something that was on my mind today.  Thought I would share it.  

Not this time

I took a test this weekend while I was away.  It was negative.  I am disappointed, but I am choosing to hold on to God thru it all.  It's just hard not knowing what God's will is in all of this.  I'm trying not to be depressed about it, but it's like I read on a website that I post on (on a daily basis) a woman who can't have a baby, misses that baby as if she is missing a person.  Even though she's never met this person.  I am trying something new here in a week or so.  I read about it in a parents magazine of mine and I did a lot of research about it.  It has gotten a lot of good reviews and the studies that they did on it were very good.  It's called Fertilityblend.  It's all natural (it's herbs and vitamins) and it's supposed to increase fertility.  There is a blend for men as well as women, so we are trying both blends.  Since it is all natural there are not the side-effects that come with using the clomid that I was going to try.  And it costs about the same that the clomid would cost.  So we would be at about the same place we would be if we tried it.  If you were to research the side-effects of clomid, you would see why I thought I would try something all natural first.  And if it works, then I will be very happy.  If not, we are in the same place that we are in now.  Well, I am at my parents house and spending time with them before I go back home.  I'll be back on later this week.  (I should be getting my fertilityblend this week).    

Bad Girl

I know I will get in so much trouble for this, but I just canceled my appt for today. I just can't do it. I just can't go there alone. I panicked when I woke up and had to start getting ready to go, so I called and told them that I couldn't come because of my dad (ok, I lied a little...forgive me for that). I also know that my family won't like that I didn't go to the dr to get my a pg test done. But I was scared to death about that too. I can't even explain it. It was almost like I was having a panic attack and literally could not leave the house to go to this dr. appt. What is wrong with me? I know that if I'm pg that I have to be tested early so that they can get me on something, but I just couldn't go. I just couldn't do it alone. When I talked to Scott he just laughed at me and asked me why I hated driving alone. He asked me how I made it to Alta Vista that one weekend. I guess he just doesn't understand that it's not the driving. I tried to make him understand that it was the actual dr appt and that I just didn't think I could do it alone and he said, "well, don't go then." So I guess it must not be that important to go. I don't know. I get so frustrated with infertility and with my womanly stuff. Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just be a normal woman that can get pregnant just by thinking about her husband? What is wrong with me? I better go, it's getting so I can hardly see the computer screen. Someday I might just get life straight, but for now I'll just go have a good cry.

Discouraged

Ok, I'm having second thoughts about Wednesday. I know I need to go and have my 6-month check-up with the dr, so I have to go. But I don't know if I want to talk about Clomid with her. I just don't think it's going to work. I think I'm getting my hopes up for nothing. I see newborns and I just think to myself "I am never going to experience that. Who am I kidding?" I don't even know if she will let me do it. I might just be setting myself up for heartache. What do I do? Is this satan trying to keep me from this, or is it God telling me not to do it? How do I know? I just don't know what to do. I don't think it means anything (even though I mentioned it to Scott), but I started feeling yucky after meals on Saturday and it's stuck with me until today. Trust me, I want to say "OH, I think I'm pregnant." But I don't know if it's really possible, or if that's what's really going on. Maybe I'm just getting sick again (yeah..I thought it was the flu last time). Wow, my mind plays so many tricks on me. I guess I'll just go on Wednesday and talk to the dr, and if she shoots me down on the clomid then that's my answer. I'll tell her about me feeling yucky for the past few days and see if she wants to test for pregnancy. I'm trying so hard to hold on to God right now. I know I need Him, but I tend to get so discouraged that I fall away from Him. It's just so hard, I'm so selfish and self-centered. I want things that I want when I want them, and I want it done my way. When will I learn to do it God's way?

Holding on to God

I was thinking about Job today. Actually it was in a devotion that we did at suppertime today. But it hit me. Job lost everything, his health, his wealth, his children. He was miserable. He was the perfect candidate to be able to complain and even curse God. But he didn't. He still praised God. Look at me. I have a great husband, I have good friends, I have family that loves me and supports me even when I'm a butt. I have even more things that I'm not even thinking of right now. I have a good job, a roof over my head, I have a beautiful daughter (a miracle from God), and like I said much more to count as blessings. But here I am and I think I have a reason to complain. Yes, there are days that I feel overwhelmed. I feel depressed and worthless. But God is always there, and I do not need to curse His name. I tried to teach my daughter a lesson last night at supper. It happened by accident, but it was the perfect thing. Scott had bought a pop for her (for after her Karate class) and we decided to let her drink it with supper. Well, there was water in all the glasses, so I took her glass and poured the water down the drain. Marti started whining and told me I was mean and that wasn't nice of me to pour her drink down the drain. So I told her that sometimes in life you have to give something up and it seems unfair and you don't understand it, but that usually something better is coming if we will just be patient and wait for it. I brought up the baby thing and told her that sometimes I get angry and think it's unfair that I can't have a baby, but that only God can see the whole picture and He must have something bigger and better in mind for me. She didn't know it, but I had to get rid of her water to give her the pop. I saw the whole picture, she didn't. And she got something so much better out of it...but she had to be willing to give up "her" will, and surrender to "my" will. Isn't that how we should be with God? Why do we fight with him? He can see so much more than us. What if I'm trying to settle for "water" and He's trying to give me "pop". If I won't give up what I have now, He can't give me what's better. Sometimes great life lessons happen at the strangest times (like at 8:00....suppertime). Are you willing to give up your "water" so that God can give you "pop"?

Another Niece

Ok, it happened. Tanna had her baby today. I haven't seen pictures yet (it's killing me not to see her) but I'm hoping to see some soon. Finlee was born this morning and weighed 7lbs 9oz. She was 2 pounds lighter then Jaelyn. Matt (my brother) told me that she looks just like Jaelyn did when she was born, only smaller. Don't worry, I'm doing better than you would think I am. Yes, it's tough. Yes, it makes me long for my own baby. It's hard for me to make all my thoughts come together, but I'm working it out. I think right now the toughest thing is not being able to see her. I think that would help me. It helped me when Jae was born (to see her in person). For now just keep praying. I can tell that things are going so much better for me. I can get upset about things, but it doesn't go out of control. I have been in prayer most of the day. Not only for me, because I prayed all morning that Tanna and Finlee would be ok. But I did pray for me and I gave my feelings and thoughts to God all day long. This helped me so much. It was a continuous thing. I had to keep giving those thoughts away over and over. And in doing so I have been able to remember that I have a new niece who I know is beautiful. And my sister-in-law is doing very well and is the proud mommy of 2 girls now. I make a vow to focus on these positive and exciting moments of today. If I focus on others besides myself, it helps me not to focus on my self-pity.

Tanna, whenever you read this, I'm so excited and I can't wait to see you and Matt and Jae and now Finlee. Remember, I still consider you my link to being pregnant and having a baby. I do not feel bad about you, I am not angry, I'm excited. I'm so happy that Matt married you. I see the kind of wife and mother you are, and you sometimes make me look bad. You are a proverbs 31 woman, and no one will ever change my mind on that. You keep being that wife that thanks her husband for going to work, and you keep being that mommy that has fun with her children, with just enough discipline added in. You truly are one of my best friends ever. I love you!

Kory Allan

My sweet angel baby,
I miss you. I think about you a lot. Just like I did with your sisters and brother, I wonder who you would have turned out to be. I hope that they are taking good care of you, as well as your great-Grandpa. Someday we will meet you and get to know you. Until then, I will know that you never felt the pain of this world. Your birthday was not an earthly one, but one in which you went right to the arms of Jesus. If we couldn't hold you, that's the next best thing. I am claiming the peace of God in this situation (because that's what your name means) and I don't want you to worry about me. I'm doing fine and I'm letting you go. I will not hold on to you any longer. I release you to spend your life in Heaven. I will hold your memory in my heart, but I will do it with love, not anger and bitterness. Hugs and kisses from Mommy, Daddy, and your sister, Martaysha.

Love,
Mommy

Vitamin B and other things

Vitamin B works if you suffer from depression. I have now been on it for awhile (I can't even remember exactly how long) but I had an opportunity to get really down on myself yesterday. Actually I was really upset and felt bad about me, but I did not stay down for long. Today I am feeling fine and the extreme did not go as low as it could have. I am physically feeling better and so now mentally I am getting better too. I think a person always tends to feel down when they are sick...cause they just want to get better. I have also made a decision. I am going to blog a letter to my "Angel Baby", Kory Allan. It will be my own personal memorial service to him and then I can move on. I wasn't going to say anything, and only those of you who read this will know (I did tell my sis-in-law and my mom...of course), but this is a prayer request only. I am not giving any false hope that a miracle will for sure take place, but I want lots of prayer for making this decison and that if we do that it could possibly work. But Scott and I have been talking and he wants me to try Clomid. For those of you who don't know what that is, I have probably talked about it in other blogs...a long while ago. But it's a drug that is supposed to make me ovulate, we will know for sure when it is supposed to happen and then we can try to get pregnant just one last time. I am excited that Scott is ready to take this step, but I'm scared to death to even possibly get my hopes up. Because I don't think my only problem is getting pregnant, it's keeping the baby. I go to the dr about this on March 11 and we will discuss whether or not this option will even work for us or if we do it, maybe I have to take some kind of hormone (shot or pill). But after the miscarriage in February, I do get nervous about really trying again. Ok, maybe we are crazy for trying to get pregant after just getting Marti, but God will know what we need to do. Also, with my womanly problems, I really think that we don't have as much time to work with that some women do when trying to have kids. I don't think my woman parts will last as long as they should. Anyway, for the moment just be praying that we make the decison that God wants us to make. Even if it means giving it up and not trying it. If we decide to do it, then it becomes a prayer that it will work and that we don't get upset over it if it doesn't work. Ok, for now that is all I think. It turned out to be a longer post than I expected, but at least it's not all venting about how life stinks. I think it is a normal post from a girl who's getting back to normal. God Bless you all!!!

Getting better

Ok, I almost ended up in the hospital. I got really, really sick. I'm on some really strong antibiotics now, and I had to get a shot in the butt...and had a reaction to that too :( Anyway, I'm much better now. I can breathe and I'm not allowed to go back to work until Monday (and that includes housework). I'm still taking my vitamin B (I think it's really helping) and as far as the eating right, well, I just started eating again yesterday afternoon. I'm trying very hard to stay positive even when things get me down. My sister-in-law had given me a book to write scriptures in and anything positive. It's called a book of inspiration and I'm not allowed to write anything negative in it. I've been writing a lot of things in it lately. Lots of scriptures and even song lyrics that speak to me. I plan to use it. I am also planning to start the love dare with Scott again in a day or two now that I'm getting back to myself. He decided that we would take a break until I was better. But I must say, it was only a break for me (that's what I told him) because he's been taking very good care of me and I consider that part of the love dare. He did day two for like 2 or 3 days. So now we are ready for day 3 (the both of us). Anyway, I better go. I just thought I should check in and let everyone know that I'm doing better and I guess I'll live (lol). Love you all and God Bless.

Feb. 24

Ok, not good for the first day of tracking, but I have to be honest. I got sick over the weekend and I've had the same old sinus stuff again. It doesn't help the diet (I don't eat much) and it brings me down physically and emotionally. (your physical well-being is connected to your emotional well-bing and vice-versa) I have been taking vitamin B for two days now and I have been doing pretty well for being sick. We'll see how it goes as I get well and can start exercising and eating much better. It has also helped that I'm on day 2 for the Love Dare. I'm not focusing so much on me. This is something else that has helped in the past two days. I'm focused on someone else and not my own problems. I'll be back tomorrow or the next day to update the progress. Love you and God bless you!

Changing the blog a little

Ok, I'm going to start changing my blog a little. My husband suggested this and it might do more good than what I've been doing lately. We have decided that I suffer from depression (ok, I've known this, but not been willing to admit it). In fact I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't have bipolar disorder (depression with extreme highs and extreme lows). Well, I'm going to track how I deal with it. What I eat differently than I have been (more fruits and veggies are supposed to help). Getting more exercise (dance praise here I come) and just tracking my overall good and bad days. I will be taking vitamin B everyday among other vitamins. I will see how this helps and maybe I can be an example to others who suffer from depression and need some help. We'll see how it goes. I will still do updates and I will try to blog as much as possible, but this way maybe I won't have such extreme posts on my blog. I've also started doing the Love Dare with Scott. This should help us as a couple and maybe I can track some of that here (not in major detail, just in general). Thanks for the support. I AM going to get better (with the Lords help). Love you all.

Thanks

This will be quick. I'm having a good weekend. Getting away has really helped. I needed some girl time with my family (we celebrated my birthday). That and I checked this blog and a friend prayed for me. That spoke to me very much. I know it says anonymous but you know who you are and I thank you. Prayer works and I feel it. I love you and thank you. I will be back to blog more later.

Help!

I honestly can't explain my feelings right now.  I've been struggling so much lately.  Even before the baby.  I don't know what's going on.  Scott thinks I need counseling and maybe even medication.  Maybe he's right, I don't know.  Things are so unsettled right now.  So often I hear that little voice in my head (not literally...I'm not that crazy) that tells me I'm not good enough and that I should just leave my family.  I've shared this with Scott (so that it's out in the open now) and he's helping me with it.  But I've even went as far as packing my clothes and getting ready to leave my family.  I know it's sounds so silly.  I never thought in my wildest dreams that I ever would even consider that, but when that thought goes through my head it seems so rational and like the right solution that I just have to consider it.  Please just pray for me right now.  I know this part is hard for me to admit, but I think I take after my birth mother so much and I have to break that.  Maybe I do need counseling and medication.  I don't know.  I just can't even seem to get out of bed in the mornings.  I used to love my job and now I dread going to it.  I used to love the kids and have a passion for them, and now I just can't seem to make myself care.  It's like my heart is hardening.  Well, I'll try and post more later.  Please pray hard for me.  I need help.  

Music speaks to me

No, I didn't write this song. But it speaks so much of how I feel right now. I haven't heard it in years, but it's from a great movie (A Walk To Remember). I "accidently" found it tonight after some struggling with God. He wanted me to talk with Him about my life...and I didn't want to. But this song is for Him and Him alone. God is my only hope.


There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold,
but you sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far,
sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again

So I lay my head back down
and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give you my destiny
I'm giving you all of me
I want your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs
I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my
Only hope


I'm still not completely better yet, but singing this song makes me feel a little better. It makes me spend time with God, which reminds me that He is the only one who can really comfort me. I do need Him....especially right now when I feel the way that I do. I still feel like I'm not good enough, but at least God hasn't abandoned me. I still hurt.....I still long for things I can't have.....but He's here with me holding me and crying with me.

God, please hold me. I can't do this without you. I hurt so much. I feel overwhelmed. I feel worthless. You are my only hope. I know that I need to be content in what you have given me....but please forgive me that I can't seem to quit longing for what my heart desires and won't give up. I want to feel loved and accepted. I want to do something that people can be proud of. But right now I just want to say to you, Lord, that no matter how I'm feeling, I will not curse Your name. I will not deny You. I will hold to You no matter how hard it may seem at times. Even when it feels like I'm all alone in the world, be with me....because I don't want to leave Your side. God, my prayer is the song above. I don't ask for a quick fix or healing...just for you to comfort me.

It's almost Christmas

Ok, it's almost Christmas. I love Christmas. It's my favorite time of the year. I guess my song should be "It's the Most Wonderful Time Of The Year" Cause that's how I view it. I've always been waiting for that Christmas when I can share it with my own children (or child I guess right now). And it's finally here. Scott keeps reminding me that it doesn't always have to be just like in my imagination and not to get my hopes up too much for that stereotypical storybook Christmas. He's right because things aren't perfect...but I can dream right? No, I am really excited about it. I thought that I had missed out on the whole "Santa" thing. And I don't think Marti really believes in him, but she is still mentally at a younger age (long story) and she is still very excited about the idea of him and waking up to a present from him on Christmas morning (after we read the real story of Christmas of course). And then, this weekend she surprised me.....and I won't tell you what she did I'll let you see it.....

You got it....I didn't miss out on getting pictures of my first child sitting on Santa's lap.....I get teary-eyed thinking about it. When we saw Santa I didn't think she would sit in his lap. I thought she would say it was for babies. But she was the third one in line. I didn't miss all the firsts....I mean it may not have been her first "Santa visit" but it was a first for us together to do it. I think it was a blessing from God. He allowed me yet again another chance to do something that I didn't think I would get to do. And she even told him what she wanted....a digital camera....better that than a cell phone....lol. She told me that Santa told her to take good pictures and not pictres of her Grandma in her underwear....lol. That's funny. Anyway, I don't have much time...but I was just getting excited and needed to share that I did get in on something that I didn't think I would get to be a part of. What a God-thing. Thank you, Lord.

Found a good e-mail in my inbox

A few posts ago I shared with you my beautiful pottery that I broke and glued back together.  I was going through my e-mail inbox and cleaning things out and printing out e-mails that were neat.  This one stuck out to me and I thought I would share it.  It goes right along with the theme of my life:

Crack Pot

     An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck  One of her pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.  At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.  For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.  

     Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.  But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.  After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

    "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

     The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?  That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and everyday while we walk back, you water them.  For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.  Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

     Each of us has our own unique flaw.  But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

I just thought this was such an interesting story.  I don't have time to write my thoughts about it at the time, but I will when I have time.  I just had to get this posted while I was thinking about it.

A broken Life

I'm gonna start this post by saying....like I said in the previous post, this was not my origional idea. It also went faster than I thought. I was going to do it tonight, but I was eager to get it done....I wanted to share it (and I planned to do it tonight...but I'm getting old and I knew I would fall asleep). This is the piece of pottery that I used. This is obviously the before picture. I got this as a wedding gift and I kept it in the kitchen to hold all my kitchen utensils. It is very beautiful is it not? My daughter was flabbergasted that I even thought about dropping this thing on the concrete and shattering it....ON PURPOSE!!! One day she'll understand.

We've all been through something in our lives that is not pleasant. Some of us have been through more than others. No matter what it is, during the time of it happening we all think that no one else understands and that it's the worst thing in the world to be happening to anybody. That's an understandable thing to be thinking at the time. But there is one who really does understand what we are going through. He has been through it all. His name is Jesus. He took our place and died for our sins. For those of us that have accepted Him as our Lord and Savior, He wants to live through our lives. He wants to shine through us so that others want the relationship that we have with Him. Do you know how that relationship grows stronger? There are a couple ways that happens. One, we have to spend time with Him. We have to talk to Him, spend time in His word (the Bible). What's the other way? Well, our faith has to grow in Him for us to trust Him and grow in Him. How?? It has to be tested. This means we must go through trials. I've heard it put different ways. Another good way to put it is that we must be refined like gold. Gold must be put through intense heat to get all the impurities out of it. Uncomfortable?? Probably. But afterwards, is gold not extremely beautiful? Diamonds....they are very beautiful as well. But to get to a diamond, the outer layer must be shattered and broken away. Painful?? I would bet. But diamonds are very valuable...and every woman would love a diamond....right, girls? Well, the same goes for our lives. We are gold...we are diamonds. But we must go through some painful, uncomfortable things to get where we are supposed to be in our faith.



A Broken, Shattered Life

Ok, now we've seen an illustration of a broken life. (yes, I went outside and threw down that beautiful piece of pottery) When your life is broken like that you don't think that anything can put it back together again. Kind of like the nursery rhyme humpty dumpty:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the Kings horses and all the Kings men

Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.

How true is that nursery rhyme? I mean think about it. We humans try as hard as we can to put our lives and other people's lives back together again. (Kings horses and men) but only the King Himself can put a life back together again. And if you let him do it He can do it. But a warning...you WILL NOT be the same ever again. This is not a bad thing. Yes, you will have scars (cracks), you may never look the same again....but like I read on that other blogsite that explained this "therapy tool,"....."you must be cracked so that God can pour out of the cracks of your life." This is so true. I've seen it evidenced in my life. And even though the world may not see those cracks as beautiful, they are the most beautiful thing ever. So no matter how cracked you might be....you are more beautiful than ever.

A cracked, but beautiful pot

So to all you beautiful cracked pots out there....I love you and lets stick together and let God pour out of our cracks.

New Blog

Ok, I started a new blog. I'm keeping this blog as well, but the other one is going to be even more intimate (for me). I am going to be putting my prayer journal entries (from 1999 until now) onto this other blog. It's sort of a way to really show my journey from how I was in high school until now. It's really interesting how you can see the growth from then until now. I ask that if you do read them, please don't leave critical comments. I do know that some of my prayers were very judgemental.....I was very immature and I prayed for things for other people that I needed to be praying in my own life...I can see that now. There are times that I prayed for people by name and when I prayed for them in a good way (praising God for them) I kept their name in there. But if I was praying for something going on with them that wasn't so good, I have kept their name out. I will warn you that sometimes my prayers are really from the heart and they share some secrets that I held (and maybe even still hold today) and so there might be some content that is not for children. Ok, I don't get really graphic, but I talk about some things that are not for children to see or hear. It's very hard to talk about those things, because most people do not know about them, but I think I wrote in the first post on that blog...."what the light reveals, it heals." So I guess that's all I can tell you about it without you actually reading it. Here's the site:

www.mel-lifesjourney.blogspot.com

It's happening!!!! Hallelujah!!!!!!!!

It's finally happening. Our daughter is moving in this weekend. Praise the Lord. I guess our patience finally paid off....ok, I wasn't as patient as I should have been, but it's happening. I'm so glad. After she moves in the next thing will be finalizing probably in April (that's the word so far). It's going to be so different having her thru the week. I hope things keep going as well as they are. She's a great girl and I love her so much. She has already started writing her name as Martaysha Soodsma. I think it looks so good when she writes it down....but that's just a proud mom talking. For now that's all I have, but we will keep you posted on how life is with a teenager full time instead of on the weekends. I bet I vent a lot more on here than I did even now. This will be my refuge....from my wonderful and precious daughter....lol. No, it will be fine even thru the hard times. It will be nice to have her around for the holidays and for starting those new traditions that we wanted to do with our children. She's so funny, cause she already started asking for a baby sister. I told her just to pray about it and see what God does. I'm anxious to see what He does. Anyway, I better go. I'm gonna enjoy my last few days of coming home to an empty house and being able to do what I want when I want...lol. I'll keep you posted.