Tuesday, March 02, 2010

One more time

I need prayer right now. I'm really struggling. March 15 I go back to the Dr. in Dodge City. Yes, that is the Dr. that's been helping me try and have a baby. I am going to be talking to her about our next options. I don't know if they will include clomid (but I am pretty sure it will). I am so nervous. I want to go because deep down I know if I don't do everything that I'm willing to do, I will regret it for the rest of my life. But the roller coaster is not a fun thing.(and I love real roller coasters) I hate that the hormones and the clomid make me gain weight. They make me moody, cause hot flashes, and among other things they add a new stress to my marriage. Then if it doesn't work, my husband gets to deal with a wife who is devastated and depressed.

Then if we add any other options in there besides just the clomid we are looking at more cost, and are the finances able to handle that? I will be talking to the Dr. about a procedure we might try, and I know it's a lot cheaper than in-vitro, but it still can cost between $800 and $1,000. To me it's worth it, but do we really have enough money to do that? Fertility procedures do not get covered by most insurances, so I expect that we will have to pay out of pocket.

Then after we try all this and spend the money on it, what happens if it doesn't work and we are out that money for nothing? As you can see I really know how to get myself worked up. There are just so many things to consider when doing this. Scott hates it when we are "trying". He says he feels like he loses the intimacy with his wife. It's not fun anymore, it's a thing we have to do at a certain time in a certain way. Not much fun, really.

I'm trying to trust God, I really am. It's just so hard. And then in the midst of all this, Martie wants a sibling so bad. I don't know if I'm correct in it, but sometimes I feel like she's mad at me that she doesn't have a sibling (at least one living with her). She's mentioned more than once that she's tired of being an only child and would we hurry up and give her a sibling (she's even resorted to looking on the KCSL website and finding kids she would like to have as a sibling). Doesn't make my mood any better.

Ok, I've ranted, I've thrown a fit. But I really do need prayer for this appt. I don't think some people really realize the turmoil that infertility can cause in a marriage. If you will stand with me in prayer, I'll do my best to stand firm in the Word of God and trust Him in His will. Love you all!

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