Friday, February 27, 2009

Getting better

Ok, I almost ended up in the hospital. I got really, really sick. I'm on some really strong antibiotics now, and I had to get a shot in the butt...and had a reaction to that too :( Anyway, I'm much better now. I can breathe and I'm not allowed to go back to work until Monday (and that includes housework). I'm still taking my vitamin B (I think it's really helping) and as far as the eating right, well, I just started eating again yesterday afternoon. I'm trying very hard to stay positive even when things get me down. My sister-in-law had given me a book to write scriptures in and anything positive. It's called a book of inspiration and I'm not allowed to write anything negative in it. I've been writing a lot of things in it lately. Lots of scriptures and even song lyrics that speak to me. I plan to use it. I am also planning to start the love dare with Scott again in a day or two now that I'm getting back to myself. He decided that we would take a break until I was better. But I must say, it was only a break for me (that's what I told him) because he's been taking very good care of me and I consider that part of the love dare. He did day two for like 2 or 3 days. So now we are ready for day 3 (the both of us). Anyway, I better go. I just thought I should check in and let everyone know that I'm doing better and I guess I'll live (lol). Love you all and God Bless.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Feb. 24

Ok, not good for the first day of tracking, but I have to be honest. I got sick over the weekend and I've had the same old sinus stuff again. It doesn't help the diet (I don't eat much) and it brings me down physically and emotionally. (your physical well-being is connected to your emotional well-bing and vice-versa) I have been taking vitamin B for two days now and I have been doing pretty well for being sick. We'll see how it goes as I get well and can start exercising and eating much better. It has also helped that I'm on day 2 for the Love Dare. I'm not focusing so much on me. This is something else that has helped in the past two days. I'm focused on someone else and not my own problems. I'll be back tomorrow or the next day to update the progress. Love you and God bless you!

Changing the blog a little

Ok, I'm going to start changing my blog a little. My husband suggested this and it might do more good than what I've been doing lately. We have decided that I suffer from depression (ok, I've known this, but not been willing to admit it). In fact I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't have bipolar disorder (depression with extreme highs and extreme lows). Well, I'm going to track how I deal with it. What I eat differently than I have been (more fruits and veggies are supposed to help). Getting more exercise (dance praise here I come) and just tracking my overall good and bad days. I will be taking vitamin B everyday among other vitamins. I will see how this helps and maybe I can be an example to others who suffer from depression and need some help. We'll see how it goes. I will still do updates and I will try to blog as much as possible, but this way maybe I won't have such extreme posts on my blog. I've also started doing the Love Dare with Scott. This should help us as a couple and maybe I can track some of that here (not in major detail, just in general). Thanks for the support. I AM going to get better (with the Lords help). Love you all.

Saturday, February 21, 2009


This will be quick. I'm having a good weekend. Getting away has really helped. I needed some girl time with my family (we celebrated my birthday). That and I checked this blog and a friend prayed for me. That spoke to me very much. I know it says anonymous but you know who you are and I thank you. Prayer works and I feel it. I love you and thank you. I will be back to blog more later.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


I honestly can't explain my feelings right now.  I've been struggling so much lately.  Even before the baby.  I don't know what's going on.  Scott thinks I need counseling and maybe even medication.  Maybe he's right, I don't know.  Things are so unsettled right now.  So often I hear that little voice in my head (not literally...I'm not that crazy) that tells me I'm not good enough and that I should just leave my family.  I've shared this with Scott (so that it's out in the open now) and he's helping me with it.  But I've even went as far as packing my clothes and getting ready to leave my family.  I know it's sounds so silly.  I never thought in my wildest dreams that I ever would even consider that, but when that thought goes through my head it seems so rational and like the right solution that I just have to consider it.  Please just pray for me right now.  I know this part is hard for me to admit, but I think I take after my birth mother so much and I have to break that.  Maybe I do need counseling and medication.  I don't know.  I just can't even seem to get out of bed in the mornings.  I used to love my job and now I dread going to it.  I used to love the kids and have a passion for them, and now I just can't seem to make myself care.  It's like my heart is hardening.  Well, I'll try and post more later.  Please pray hard for me.  I need help.  

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Music speaks to me

No, I didn't write this song. But it speaks so much of how I feel right now. I haven't heard it in years, but it's from a great movie (A Walk To Remember). I "accidently" found it tonight after some struggling with God. He wanted me to talk with Him about my life...and I didn't want to. But this song is for Him and Him alone. God is my only hope.

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold,
but you sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far,
sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again

So I lay my head back down
and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give you my destiny
I'm giving you all of me
I want your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs
I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my
Only hope

I'm still not completely better yet, but singing this song makes me feel a little better. It makes me spend time with God, which reminds me that He is the only one who can really comfort me. I do need Him....especially right now when I feel the way that I do. I still feel like I'm not good enough, but at least God hasn't abandoned me. I still hurt.....I still long for things I can't have.....but He's here with me holding me and crying with me.

God, please hold me. I can't do this without you. I hurt so much. I feel overwhelmed. I feel worthless. You are my only hope. I know that I need to be content in what you have given me....but please forgive me that I can't seem to quit longing for what my heart desires and won't give up. I want to feel loved and accepted. I want to do something that people can be proud of. But right now I just want to say to you, Lord, that no matter how I'm feeling, I will not curse Your name. I will not deny You. I will hold to You no matter how hard it may seem at times. Even when it feels like I'm all alone in the world, be with me....because I don't want to leave Your side. God, my prayer is the song above. I don't ask for a quick fix or healing...just for you to comfort me.