Thursday, February 19, 2009
I honestly can't explain my feelings right now. I've been struggling so much lately. Even before the baby. I don't know what's going on. Scott thinks I need counseling and maybe even medication. Maybe he's right, I don't know. Things are so unsettled right now. So often I hear that little voice in my head (not literally...I'm not that crazy) that tells me I'm not good enough and that I should just leave my family. I've shared this with Scott (so that it's out in the open now) and he's helping me with it. But I've even went as far as packing my clothes and getting ready to leave my family. I know it's sounds so silly. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I ever would even consider that, but when that thought goes through my head it seems so rational and like the right solution that I just have to consider it. Please just pray for me right now. I know this part is hard for me to admit, but I think I take after my birth mother so much and I have to break that. Maybe I do need counseling and medication. I don't know. I just can't even seem to get out of bed in the mornings. I used to love my job and now I dread going to it. I used to love the kids and have a passion for them, and now I just can't seem to make myself care. It's like my heart is hardening. Well, I'll try and post more later. Please pray hard for me. I need help.