Thursday, February 28, 2008

Have any of you ever been stabbed or anything of the kind? I just wondered if anyone knew how painful it really is to have that happen. I never have and that's the only thing I have to compare my pain to. If any of you have been reading my blog you know that the desire of my heart is a child. What I don't always let on is how much it hurts. It seems like when I'm hurting the most is when I hear about everyone in the world getting pregnant. And when I hear that it feels like something stabbing my heart and I can't get rid of the pain. Sometimes my arms just ache. This sounds crazy (and hopefully I don't get admitted to the psych ward) but there are times that I sneak to my basement and I grab a doll of mine and just pretend that I have a baby. But my arms literally ache to hold a child of my own (or that's been adopted). Sometimes it just hurts so bad that I have to hold something to make it feel better. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but that's how it is. I get so tired of putting on my mask of joy and happiness, when deep down I'm angry, bitter, and so, so disapointed. I can grieve over it and feel better and just about the time that the wound has almost healed shut, bam, I hear about another pregnancy and the wound is ripped open. And I try so hard to keep a smile on my face and act excited (because if I were ever pregnant I would be so excited and want others to be just as excited). I know it's only fair to act excited for the new life, but deep down I just hurt. I smile big and try to distract people from the fact that my lip is quivering and if I try and say anything I will lose my cool and start crying. I just don't understand God's plan. I know that He has promised that He has a good and perfect plan, but what happened to the plan for me? What happened to that? Why won't He give me the desire of my heart when he gives so many others the desires of their hearts? I just don't get it. I know this is probably depressing, but maybe, just maybe if someone reads this they might understand the feelings going on inside of me....or maybe it will help others understand what goes on inside of me when I'm really wearing a mask to cover up the hurt and pain I feel. I will admit that I am angry and probably a little bitter.....ok, a lot bitter. I guess maybe that's my prayer request. That I would maybe give up my anger and bitterness. And that I would understand the will of God in my life.....just pray for me.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Great Weekend

Wow!! I had the best weekend. I needed it. My parents came back for the weekend and Matt and Tanna came too (with Jaelyn of course). It was busy and exhausting, but so much fun. I couldn't hardly stay awake at work today, but it was worth it. I miss them already. And it is so exciting, Jaelyn is walking now, and she says my name (Issa). I really think she's a genius......but I'm not biased in my opinion am! Oh, and if you ask her how old she will be on her birthday she will hold up one finger. Matt and Tanna said that they've been working on that with her. I hope if we get to be parents that we are parents like them.

It was a great weekend. I really think that we need to get Topeka and Alta Vista moved closer to Healy. I think the middle part of the state and the eastern part need to switch places. Can I get that done?

I still have not heard anything about the girls. Scott and I are getting very frustrated. If we can't have our own, then we are okay adopting, but they have to let us adopt. I guess I'll share the story. So far there is only one other family interested in the girls besides us. But they are not even able to adopt through KCSL yet. They are giving them 2-3 months to get their stuff done. You know, when we wanted to adopt two other little girls, we were not allowed to submit our names until we had everything done....which we didn't get done in time to submit for those girls. AAAAHHHH!!! It makes me so mad. I just don't get it. But we are still really excited about Scott's new eye and the fact that he is still cancer-free (has been since October 2007). I'm so proud of him. He's a strong guy and he's had such a good attitude. But any of you who know him, know that he's ornery. Well, I gotta go take a nap. My family wore me out. I'll clean my house later (fameous last

Lord, I have not prayed on my blog for awhile. Please bless those that read it. Help Scott and I to be patient with everything. We know that you have a plan for our lives and that it is for our good. I know I get down, but just be patient with me and I'll eventually figure out that You are truly in control. Thank you, Lord, for family and friends that I can laugh with and be cheered up by. You are awesome. I love you!!!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Life gets discouraging

I'm not really sure exactly what I'm going to say. But I've been having a hard time here lately and it's time that I journal a little. Maybe by blogging I can help myself and maybe help some others that might be feeling some of the same things sometime. I've been getting so discouraged. I don't understand sometimes what my purpose in life is. I'm not sure if I should be doing more singing, should I be working harder to have children, or should I just focus on nothing. I have a job that I love (working with 3-5 year olds), and I am the worship leader at my church, but is that all I'm supposed to do. My big dream is to still be a mommy. And it seems that it's just not going to happen. I feel like God is even closing the door to adopting. We've submitted our names and just cannot get chosen to adopt any children. Am I destined to never be a mommy? I also just can't see that Scott and I will ever have our own children. I have too many womanly problems, and of course Scott's chances of producing children are very small (his count is very low). When I look at everything we have been through I should not have anything to even be discouraged. God has brought Scott and I through a very long and hard trial with cancer that just drained us. Now we are on the upside of it and I keep finding things that I'm not happy with. I keep thinking that if God will not bless us with children (adoption or birth) then maybe we need to focus on music. But sometimes I feel like God has shut the door on an outside music ministry (because he did call me to be the worship leader). And of course the more I want a child, the more pregnant women I see and meet. I get so angry sometimes. And it's not that I really dislike the women, it's just that I resent that they are mommies and I'm not. It's nothing personal against them. And I get angry when it seems so easy for those women to get pregnant. I have a sis-in-law (scott's sister) that has been able to choose the exact moment she concieved. It seems like so much work for Scott and I to try to get me pregnant that we have pretty much given up. And I keep trying to remember the movie "Facing the Giants" and preparing my field for the rain (I think I discussed this in an earlier blog), but I get so discouraged that God will never send "the rain." What am I doing wrong? Sometimes I wish that I would find out that we were just missing an important part of conception. Kind of a duh thing. Then it would be easy to get pg. But I'm pretty sure we do know what to just doesn't work. Well, I guess that's enough getting depressed. The good thing is that when I write or type then I feel better, so after you read this I'm probably already feeling better. Thanks for letting me vent.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Still a little graphic, keep the warning in mind.

These pics are all from the same photo shoot. (lol....Scott was just so excited to be the model). They were all taken on February 1, 2008. There are so many because I couldn't figure out which picture was the best. I'll post them all so you can see it from all the angles. There is no packing in the eye socket, because there is no hole to put it. To me that makes it no so graphic, but others may feel different. Here goes:

And of course as soon as Scott gets his new eye I will probably be taking lots more pictures. I'll make sure to blog those too.

Warning.....this may be a little graphic!!!

Howdy. I thought I would see how brave everyone is. We get so many questions as to how Scott's eye socket is doing and I thought it would be interesting to show you what I get so see almost everyday. Scott is doing very well with all of this. In fact he started changing his packing and patch by himself. So he sees it as much as I do if not more. His attitude is still great and we did find out some wonderful news today. Scott will be getting his new eye in about two weeks. We have to go down to OKC to get it done and then every year he will have to go down and get it cleaned and replaced, but that's nothing compared to what we've already been through. Enjoy the pics.....if you can handle

These first pictures were taken December 8, 2007. They are still pretty graphic, but better than it was at first. I took these pictures with the packing in the socket. I was still too grossed out to look at the actual eye socket.

These pictures were taken December 28, 2007. As you can see the area with packing is a little smaller. Again, it still has the packing in it and I think I had just went and seen the dr change the packing. By that time it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

These pics were taken January 3, 2008. So they are more recent. We still have some packing but not much. It's still a little gross, but getting better. It's just a little weird to see Scott without that eye. We both get weirded out a little when we look at old pictures of Scott. We know that the eye that was there, isn't there anymore.

Ok, I guess that is enough for this blog. But I'm going to put some more pictures on the next one. The other pics are not quite as gross, but still maybe a little graphic, and just strange to look at.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Still Waiting

Well, here I am still waiting for news from the social worker. Sometimes I really wish that God didn't think that I needed to learn patience. It is the hardest lesson for me to learn. I say that because I really have yet to learn patience. But I have learned that I should not ask for patience....cause then God gives me the Anyway, I figured so many people are really wondering about the adoption situation....and you all know about as much as I do whether or not we will get the girls. One thing that I am excited about is that I'm going to see my family this weekend. I don't know how many times I have cried over missing them. It's so hard when I don't really have a lot of people that I hang out with when they are gone. It also doesn't help that Scott and I get so busy that we can't hardly find time to spend with other people. But maybe that's just my escape. To be perfectly honest, I've really been struggling with a little bit of depression. Nothing serious, just enough that I don't feel like myself. Sometimes I get to feeling so left out. I feel like my music is pretty much non-existent.....and that's hard for me. And of course I'm like the only person in the world that does not have children, and that's the hardest for me. I go back and forth when I think about the girls. somedays I think.....oh we'll get them for sure. There's no way they won't pick us. and then other days I sit down and think.....they'll never pick us, we're not ever going to be parents. I don't know.....I can't even hardly explain the feelings that I've had. I have done a good job of putting on a mask so that people don't question me....and that includes my husband. it's just so hard to try and explain what I'm feeling when I don't quite understand it myself. Ok, this turned into one big vent session. That is not what I started out doing. And I hope that I don't depress anyone. That was not my intention. Well, I better go. I guess I will try and remember to keep posting so everyone knows how we are doing. Love you all!