Thursday, February 28, 2008

Have any of you ever been stabbed or anything of the kind? I just wondered if anyone knew how painful it really is to have that happen. I never have and that's the only thing I have to compare my pain to. If any of you have been reading my blog you know that the desire of my heart is a child. What I don't always let on is how much it hurts. It seems like when I'm hurting the most is when I hear about everyone in the world getting pregnant. And when I hear that it feels like something stabbing my heart and I can't get rid of the pain. Sometimes my arms just ache. This sounds crazy (and hopefully I don't get admitted to the psych ward) but there are times that I sneak to my basement and I grab a doll of mine and just pretend that I have a baby. But my arms literally ache to hold a child of my own (or that's been adopted). Sometimes it just hurts so bad that I have to hold something to make it feel better. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but that's how it is. I get so tired of putting on my mask of joy and happiness, when deep down I'm angry, bitter, and so, so disapointed. I can grieve over it and feel better and just about the time that the wound has almost healed shut, bam, I hear about another pregnancy and the wound is ripped open. And I try so hard to keep a smile on my face and act excited (because if I were ever pregnant I would be so excited and want others to be just as excited). I know it's only fair to act excited for the new life, but deep down I just hurt. I smile big and try to distract people from the fact that my lip is quivering and if I try and say anything I will lose my cool and start crying. I just don't understand God's plan. I know that He has promised that He has a good and perfect plan, but what happened to the plan for me? What happened to that? Why won't He give me the desire of my heart when he gives so many others the desires of their hearts? I just don't get it. I know this is probably depressing, but maybe, just maybe if someone reads this they might understand the feelings going on inside of me....or maybe it will help others understand what goes on inside of me when I'm really wearing a mask to cover up the hurt and pain I feel. I will admit that I am angry and probably a little bitter.....ok, a lot bitter. I guess maybe that's my prayer request. That I would maybe give up my anger and bitterness. And that I would understand the will of God in my life.....just pray for me.

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