Saturday, February 23, 2008
Life gets discouraging
I'm not really sure exactly what I'm going to say. But I've been having a hard time here lately and it's time that I journal a little. Maybe by blogging I can help myself and maybe help some others that might be feeling some of the same things sometime. I've been getting so discouraged. I don't understand sometimes what my purpose in life is. I'm not sure if I should be doing more singing, should I be working harder to have children, or should I just focus on nothing. I have a job that I love (working with 3-5 year olds), and I am the worship leader at my church, but is that all I'm supposed to do. My big dream is to still be a mommy. And it seems that it's just not going to happen. I feel like God is even closing the door to adopting. We've submitted our names and just cannot get chosen to adopt any children. Am I destined to never be a mommy? I also just can't see that Scott and I will ever have our own children. I have too many womanly problems, and of course Scott's chances of producing children are very small (his count is very low). When I look at everything we have been through I should not have anything to even be discouraged. God has brought Scott and I through a very long and hard trial with cancer that just drained us. Now we are on the upside of it and I keep finding things that I'm not happy with. I keep thinking that if God will not bless us with children (adoption or birth) then maybe we need to focus on music. But sometimes I feel like God has shut the door on an outside music ministry (because he did call me to be the worship leader). And of course the more I want a child, the more pregnant women I see and meet. I get so angry sometimes. And it's not that I really dislike the women, it's just that I resent that they are mommies and I'm not. It's nothing personal against them. And I get angry when it seems so easy for those women to get pregnant. I have a sis-in-law (scott's sister) that has been able to choose the exact moment she concieved. It seems like so much work for Scott and I to try to get me pregnant that we have pretty much given up. And I keep trying to remember the movie "Facing the Giants" and preparing my field for the rain (I think I discussed this in an earlier blog), but I get so discouraged that God will never send "the rain." What am I doing wrong? Sometimes I wish that I would find out that we were just missing an important part of conception. Kind of a duh thing. Then it would be easy to get pg. But I'm pretty sure we do know what to do....it just doesn't work. Well, I guess that's enough getting depressed. The good thing is that when I write or type then I feel better, so after you read this I'm probably already feeling better. Thanks for letting me vent.