Monday, April 21, 2008

Proof that God is still working

These are lyrics to a song that I heard on the radio tonight. I've been listening to it over and over for about 30 minutes now. I am claiming what this song says. I did have it out with God last night. I spent time just Him and I and I did yell and Him....but I feel so much better. I still feel somewhat angry, but I can at least believe that He does love me and He is holding me and comforting me. I am working on this song to sing as a special at my parents church this coming Sunday....we'll see if I get it done. Just in case you want to hear the song it is called "You're Not Alone" and it's by Meredith Andrews. It's a brand new song on the! God does still work.

You're Not Alone
I searched for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone but you found me where I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true...
Forever For my love will carry you....

You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Please don't say any kind of "I told you so." I'm going out on a limb in blogging about this. Just let me say what I need to say and then if you have to say anything, just say that you love me or that you are here....or whatever sounds like something you'd want to hear if you just lost a loved one. It is very disappointing to not get the two girls, but I don't think that's why I'm so angry and grieving. If you go back to my earlier blogs you will remember that I lost a baby last year (August). I don't think I ever mentioned this in the blog, but I was supposed to be giving birth this week. (just an estimate) And not only that, but I was supposed to give birth two years ago on the 15th of this month. I mentioned earlier on that I never grieved over this last baby. I didn't feel like I could. Two days after I passed the baby, Scott had a surgery on his eye. I'll also never forget what it felt like (both times) to start bleeding and cramping, and then pass the baby. I also feel like I'm the only one that feels that these babies were real. That to everyone else they were nothing but tissue and blood. I just want someone to feel their loss as personally as I do, to confirm that they were both real people. That they did mean something. Don't give me any clever lines to make me feel better, just grieve with me. Let me cry, let me be angry, let me say what I need to say in my grief. Most of it I probably won't mean, but I just want to get it out.
Oh, how my arms ache. It's as if they have a mind of their own and know that they should have something to do....but there's nothing for them to do and they are lost. They ache, they tingle, even the muscles in my arms twitch. I don't think I can handle this.......I don't understand it......Why? WHY???? I feel so lost, I want to shut out real life and lock myself in my own world....I don't want to see anyone. I don't want anyone to try to say something clever to make me feel better.
What would my babies look like? I would have a toddler and a newborn right now. And if we go back even farther, I would actually have an almost 7 year old. I just feel so alone right now....I don't know what to do....I don't know......what have I done wrong? What could I have done differently to change all this? What's wrong with me? I just want my babies......I want to hold them and hug them and kiss them......I want my babies....

Monday, April 07, 2008

We're not getting the girls.

and I don't want to hear that it's all in God's hands or that it wasn't in His will, OK?

Sunday, April 06, 2008


Ok, I'm going nuts. I thought I would do better when it came to waiting about news on the two girls, but I'm just not doing well at all. It's hard to sleep, and I'm getting moody. This is crazy. I don't even know if we are getting them or not. And on Monday when I'm waiting to hear the news after they have the meeting.....I don't even want to think about it. Poor Scott...he's going to need therapy after this I think. Just because he's had to put up with me. I am so nervous. I don't know how I will react on Monday. If the news is good, I don't know if I will scream or be calm about it. If the news is not good, I don't know if I will cry or what. Either way, I think I will have to talk to somebody. I don't think I will be able to keep it to myself. Oh, I hope and pray that we get these girls. I would love to raise them as our own and give them the love they deserve. Even Scott told me that he's been thinking about them a lot lately. Thinking about what we will do together as a family. He doesn't show his touchy-feely side much, but he did tell me that he wishes we already had a family. So even though it doesn't look like it bothers him, it really does. I hope this is our chance at a family. We want it so bad. I will blog after I know something. Stay tuned for the latest next week.