Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Please don't say any kind of "I told you so." I'm going out on a limb in blogging about this. Just let me say what I need to say and then if you have to say anything, just say that you love me or that you are here....or whatever sounds like something you'd want to hear if you just lost a loved one. It is very disappointing to not get the two girls, but I don't think that's why I'm so angry and grieving. If you go back to my earlier blogs you will remember that I lost a baby last year (August). I don't think I ever mentioned this in the blog, but I was supposed to be giving birth this week. (just an estimate) And not only that, but I was supposed to give birth two years ago on the 15th of this month. I mentioned earlier on that I never grieved over this last baby. I didn't feel like I could. Two days after I passed the baby, Scott had a surgery on his eye. I'll also never forget what it felt like (both times) to start bleeding and cramping, and then pass the baby. I also feel like I'm the only one that feels that these babies were real. That to everyone else they were nothing but tissue and blood. I just want someone to feel their loss as personally as I do, to confirm that they were both real people. That they did mean something. Don't give me any clever lines to make me feel better, just grieve with me. Let me cry, let me be angry, let me say what I need to say in my grief. Most of it I probably won't mean, but I just want to get it out.
Oh, how my arms ache. It's as if they have a mind of their own and know that they should have something to do....but there's nothing for them to do and they are lost. They ache, they tingle, even the muscles in my arms twitch. I don't think I can handle this.......I don't understand it......Why? WHY???? I feel so lost, I want to shut out real life and lock myself in my own world....I don't want to see anyone. I don't want anyone to try to say something clever to make me feel better.
What would my babies look like? I would have a toddler and a newborn right now. And if we go back even farther, I would actually have an almost 7 year old. I just feel so alone right now....I don't know what to do....I don't know......what have I done wrong? What could I have done differently to change all this? What's wrong with me? I just want my babies......I want to hold them and hug them and kiss them......I want my babies....

2 comments:

JoJosho said...

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Steph said...

Hi. I am Steph from Stepping Stones. I wanted to say how very sorry I am about your losses. I know how difficult a loss is, hearing what others say and moving on. I will be praying for you!