Tuesday, January 23, 2007

My God-Story

Ok, I promised that I would tell you all about my God-story from Oklahoma City. Here it is:

I got to go back with Scott to get prepped for surgery (IV in and change clothes, etc.) and when they took him to the O.R. I had to go to the waiting room. When I got out there, I saw a woman in a wheelchair. She wheeled over to me and said, "It's my husbands wheelchair, I'm just using it while he's in surgery." I thought, ok, no problem, none of my business. She commented to me about the artwork on the walls (which was beautiful). But then she came over and put the chair next to me and started telling me about her husband and how sick he was and how many problems she's had (which I have to admit at first made me feel very weird). I kept thinking, ok, enough, I don't know you so please leave me alone. But I kept my mouth shut and listened. She told me how her husband has diabetes, he's had many eye surgeries, and that now his kidneys aren't working and he's on dialasis because he doesn't qualify for a kidney transplant. She's had a couple of knee surgeries and finds it hard to care for her husband so he was in a home for awhile. He was in having cataract surgery at the time. I was feeling bad for her and their situation and figured that she must just need to vent and get it out, so I let her keep going. When she got done telling me about their health problems, she asked me who I was waiting for. I told her my husband and that he was having surgery on his eye because he has had cancer. She told me that it was too bad because we were so young, but she added that we needed to trust in God everyday because that was the only thing that was going to get us through. When she said that, she had my undivided attention. Not many people are going to say that in the middle of the waiting room to a complete stranger. So I agreed with her that we needed to do that and that prayer was one of the only things that kept us going at times. Well, that started a great conversation with her. She told me some stories about her and her husband that I thought were awesome. She said that they were just about broke because of their health problems and that her husband couldn't work anymore. But since he's in a wheelchair they had needed a van that was wheelchair accessable. So, she prayed about it and the next thing she knew someone was asking her if she knew of anyone needing a van. This person was wanting to give away a van (for free) to someone needing it. So she got her van. Then they needed a wheelchair lift, so she prayed for that. I can't remember all the details but she ended up talking to someone and they wanted to know if she knew of anyone needing a wheelchair lift built into a van. There was a group of guys that built those for community service projects (like from prison or something.....I don't know) but again God provided what they needed. Her story inspired me to trust in God and let Him do a work in our lives. About that time her husband was out of surgery and she went back to see him. She came back out with him a bit later and wheeled him over to the door. Then she walked over to me, sat next to me on the couch and asked if she could pray for me and Scott. I was so overwhelmed I could hardly say yes. And then I could hardly keep from crying. I told her when she was done praying that I would pray for her and her husband and she said she would pray for us. I just know that she was sent from God to encourage me and lift me up. I needed it just at that time. I don't know where she lives, what her last name is, or even her husbands name. I only heard the nurse say her name, Susan. I don't know if I will ever see Susan again or ever get to talk to her, but I know that I will always remember her and the encouragement I got from her. I can't wait to see her again in Heaven if I don't see her on Earth again. Thank you, Lord for sending people into our lives to encourage us.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Winter in more than one way

I have decided that it's winter in more than one way. It is winter outside (and it's a bad winter) with snow and ice. But it also seems like winter in our lives. It seems like we are at the lowest point of our lives (together). We have been fighting the cancer for almost a year now and I have to say that I'm sick of it. There are times that I just want to scream, hit, or throw something. I can't wait until the spring, literally and in our lives. I can't wait until this is all over and we can start over fresh and new without the cancer. Maybe if that happens we can start to worry about getting pregnant again. Looking back it seems silly that we worried so much (ok, I worried so much) about trying to get pregnant. I want kids, but I couldn't imagine going through this cancer with kids to take care of. Oh, I would do it if I had to, but isn't it great how God does know what is best in our lives. All I can say is: "Hurry up, Spring!"

Ok, now to let you all in on what's happening so far. Of course we had Scott's surgery and that all went well and the eye is healing great, (and I still have to share my God story). We go back on Monday and I'm guessing we will find out the results then. If the results say no cancer, then we are done for now (unless it comes back). But, if it is cancer we go again for surgery and they will take enough of the eyelid that the eyelid will have to be reconstructed. I'm a little scared, but I shouldn't be I guess (0r should I). Scott is feeling good right now, the eye isn't as swollen and it's not as purple (it's more red now). I hope he can handle another surgery if we have to. He should, he's tough. And I'll be right there for him.

Ok, I have to share this (only because it turned out so well) but this morning Scott was going to Hays for something at work and he and another guy took a Sharp Bros. truck. Well, about 11:30 he called me and told me he had been in an accident. Ok, I stayed pretty calm (unlike me) and he told me nobody was hurt and that they were ok, just shaken up. He said they were on interstate and they were going over a bridge and a semi was trying to pass them. I guess they lost control and thought they were going over the bridge, thank goodness they made it past the bridge, missed the semi, and just ended up in the ditch. He said they didn't roll, but they almost did. If I had known how bad it was out there I wouldn't have felt ok about him going. I would have made him stay home (if that's even possible). But at least no one was hurt. The ironic thing was that one of my first thoughts was, "I would rather have him alive to fight the cancer than gone." I mean come on, I want the cancer gone, but when his life is threatened by something else I pray that he sticks around to fight the cancer. It's funny how a person thinks sometimes. Well, I'm gonna go hang out with my sister. I'll try and remember to come back and tell my God story and let everyone know how things are going. We love you all!

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Cancer, surgery, more cancer, more surgery

Ok, it's been way too long since I posted. We've been so busy it's not funny. Of course I posted when I was in Topeka about the ice storm and being stuck and then we went right from Topeka to our appointment in Oklahoma City (4th), then home and I started babysitting on Monday (8th) and then we had a very last minute trip to Oklahoma City again this past week when our new Dr wanted to do another biopsy on Scott's eyelid and that happened on Friday (12th). Wow! What a crazy couple of weeks. And just before that was Christmas which can get to be hectic just in itself. Ok, I bet everyone wants details about the surgery and how things went. I'll start from the beginning and then when I'm at the end....I'll stop. (I kind of stole that from a line out of Disney's Alice in Wonderland...hehe). Here goes:

Ok, at our last appointment in December (can't remember the date) we went to see a new doctor, a plastic surgeon, because Dr. Chodosh wanted to get another biopsy of Scott's eyelid and wanted the plastic surgeon to do it. We were kind of discouraged after that appointment because we felt like they didn't know what they were doing and well, we were just frustrated that we still weren't done with the cancer. Then we went in on the 4th of January and the Dr's knew more of what they wanted to do. The plastic surgeon (I won't type his name because I can't spell it) told us that we had two options with getting the tissue for the biopsy. He was going to either take the whole lesion or just take a "cookie cutter" and cut out circles of tissue to send in. Each one was going to have it's risks. If they took out the whole thing they had to go deep enough into the tissue of the eyelid that Scott would have to have reconstruction done and the function would probably never be the same. If he took out the circles then what if the cancer seeded deeper into the eyelid, would the chances of the cancer be greater? What if they took out the whole thing, messed up the function and then it turned out not to be cancer? But what if it was? Which risks were better to take? We were given until the 10th to decide what we wanted to do. We chatted with our families and got their opinions. Then we took what they said and came up with more questions for the Dr. (by the way our families wanted us to get the whole thing out whether it was cancer or not). We called both Dr's and talked again with them on the 8th and 9th. We were also told that we had to make a quick decision because there was an open surgery time on Friday (12th). We finally made our decision and told him to take the circles out for the biopsy. So on we went back down to OKC.

Scott's surgery went very well. We had to be there at 7:45 and surgery was at 9:00. It was a shorter surgery than the last one and they didn't put him out completely. He was just really drugged up and was half in and out. He was able to talk to them and they were able to talk to him. But I had a God moment in the waiting room while I was there. I won't tell you that story yet, but I will blog about it next time. It was so cool. But anyway, he got out of surgery at about 9:45 and we were able to leave about 10:00 or 10:15. The only bad thing about having the surgery when we did was that there was an ice storm going through OKC that started on Thursday night went on Friday and didn't let up until this morning (Saturday) We left anyway to come home and went through the 2nd one that was heading their way and made it home before the third one, which is supposed to hit tomorrow (Sunday). I guess that's the price you pay when you have cancer (or the possibility of more). We will find out this next week whether it is cancer or not in the eyelid. If it's not than we are done for now unless it comes back. But if it is, we look at another surgery for sure to take out the whole thing (which will ruin the eyelid) and I don't know if they will do the reconstruction during that surgery or have another surgery later. But if that happens Scott's eye will never look the same. I will accept it because it means the cancer will be gone, but his eyes are so beautiful (am I allowed to say that about a guys eyes?) that I might be a little sad. So now we are back to the familiar game of "Wait and See." We go back for sure on the 22nd of January to see the plastic surgeon and then to see Dr. Chodosh on February 13th. Oh, I want it to be over so bad. Then there's always the thought that the cancer has already spread and is just waiting to show it's ugly face. We were told that it could be somewhere else and just waiting to show up at a later time. I really hope not. But I guess we deal with it if it happens.

What kind of stinks right now is that I seem to get stressed out about all the trips, the thought of the cancer taking my husband, and other things, and when I'm stressed I tend to eat more and that does not work when you are trying to lose weight. I'm not one of those that loses weight when stressed or nervous, I eat and gain weight. Plus, being gone so much doesn't help me develop an exercise schedule. Ok, this should be the last thing on my mind while fighting cancer with my husband, but I just can't help it. I want to lose the weight for him, so he can have a better looking wife. Well, that's all all for now, but I'll blog in the next day or so and tell you my God story from the waiting room.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Still in Topeka

Well, here I am still in Topeka. We were supposed to leave today and go home, but we can't. They have declared a state of emergency where we are from. The people in our hometown told us we are to stay where we are. There is no power, no water, and they don't think we will have power until the middle of next week (maybe). We are leaving here on Wednesday, but not to go home. We are going to OKC for Scott's next cancer appt. (more about that in another paragraph). I'm torn right now. I don't want to go home because I dread what is going on there and I guess I would like to be away from it to pretend it didn't happen, but at the same time I am anxious to get home to be with the family that I have there. They are there trying to stay warm and sane in all the mess. We will try to get home on Thursday or Friday, but we don't know if we will even go home then, but I think we are going to try. It seems so weird that our town is going through all of this. Maybe it would seem more real if we were there in it. I hope everything turns out ok. I guess we will always remember this New Years. I also wonder if my brother and sister (in-law) are going to get sick of us. They said that they are glad that we got to stay, but there may come a time in the next day that they are so ready for us to go home. I don't want to wear out our welcome, that would not be cool.Ok, I guess on to the other paragraph I was talking about. I am so worried about Scott. My parents are worried too. My dad just talked to someone from Minnesota who had a son diagnosed with ocular melanoma and he only live about a year to a year and a half. My dad thinks that with all the recurrences we should have the Dr just take the whole eyeball and eyelid. I'm so torn, I would love it if they could save the eye, but if it means my husband living, I am ready for them to just take it out and get rid of it. I think about what I mentioned in one of my other blogs (about him dying) and I pray that it doesn't happen. But I will say that he has two more spots on his eyeball that look like the others did. I was hoping that 2007 would bring us a year without cancer (since we spent 3/4 of last year dealing with it). But it looks like the beginning of this year will be a continuation of last year. I hope I have the strength to go on. It's interesting really, I have found myself just sitting near Scott and trying to memorize all the looks he gets. I would love to start taking pictures of him just in case. I just stare at him hoping that if anything happens to him that I will always remember the little looks he gets. The serious ones, the silly ones, and the ones he gets when he's concentrating on something. If I were to lose him, I just pray that I would be able to go on. I waited so long for him to be in my life (I'll have to share that story sometime), and now I just hope that I get to be with him for a long time.Ok, that's enough. I don't need to get down already. I guess I just needed this time to share my feelings. I have yet to cry over all this cancer. I've tried to be tough and keep it all inside. I guess I'm afraid that if I break down that Scott will quit being strong through it all. This is my place to at least vent (even if I don't cry). Thank you for letting me vent.Dear Lord, I don't want to lose faith that you can heal Scott, but Lord, the truth is that you could take Scott anytime you want to. You have a plan for it all and that may include Scott going to Heaven in the near future. I pray that you would do your will in all this. Heal Scott if that's your will, and if not, please comfort his family, my family and me. I pray that I would always remember that no matter what you are my all and all I need is you to go on. I love Scott, but you are my strength and I love you more. Please forgive me for the times I have been bitter towards you with the baby thing. Forgive me for the other day when I said that you are just there teasing me with the baby thing. You love me and you want the best for me. Remind me of that. Keep us safe as we travel to OKC on Wednesday and then home on Thursday or Friday. I love you so much.