Monday, January 01, 2007

Still in Topeka

Well, here I am still in Topeka. We were supposed to leave today and go home, but we can't. They have declared a state of emergency where we are from. The people in our hometown told us we are to stay where we are. There is no power, no water, and they don't think we will have power until the middle of next week (maybe). We are leaving here on Wednesday, but not to go home. We are going to OKC for Scott's next cancer appt. (more about that in another paragraph). I'm torn right now. I don't want to go home because I dread what is going on there and I guess I would like to be away from it to pretend it didn't happen, but at the same time I am anxious to get home to be with the family that I have there. They are there trying to stay warm and sane in all the mess. We will try to get home on Thursday or Friday, but we don't know if we will even go home then, but I think we are going to try. It seems so weird that our town is going through all of this. Maybe it would seem more real if we were there in it. I hope everything turns out ok. I guess we will always remember this New Years. I also wonder if my brother and sister (in-law) are going to get sick of us. They said that they are glad that we got to stay, but there may come a time in the next day that they are so ready for us to go home. I don't want to wear out our welcome, that would not be cool.Ok, I guess on to the other paragraph I was talking about. I am so worried about Scott. My parents are worried too. My dad just talked to someone from Minnesota who had a son diagnosed with ocular melanoma and he only live about a year to a year and a half. My dad thinks that with all the recurrences we should have the Dr just take the whole eyeball and eyelid. I'm so torn, I would love it if they could save the eye, but if it means my husband living, I am ready for them to just take it out and get rid of it. I think about what I mentioned in one of my other blogs (about him dying) and I pray that it doesn't happen. But I will say that he has two more spots on his eyeball that look like the others did. I was hoping that 2007 would bring us a year without cancer (since we spent 3/4 of last year dealing with it). But it looks like the beginning of this year will be a continuation of last year. I hope I have the strength to go on. It's interesting really, I have found myself just sitting near Scott and trying to memorize all the looks he gets. I would love to start taking pictures of him just in case. I just stare at him hoping that if anything happens to him that I will always remember the little looks he gets. The serious ones, the silly ones, and the ones he gets when he's concentrating on something. If I were to lose him, I just pray that I would be able to go on. I waited so long for him to be in my life (I'll have to share that story sometime), and now I just hope that I get to be with him for a long time.Ok, that's enough. I don't need to get down already. I guess I just needed this time to share my feelings. I have yet to cry over all this cancer. I've tried to be tough and keep it all inside. I guess I'm afraid that if I break down that Scott will quit being strong through it all. This is my place to at least vent (even if I don't cry). Thank you for letting me vent.Dear Lord, I don't want to lose faith that you can heal Scott, but Lord, the truth is that you could take Scott anytime you want to. You have a plan for it all and that may include Scott going to Heaven in the near future. I pray that you would do your will in all this. Heal Scott if that's your will, and if not, please comfort his family, my family and me. I pray that I would always remember that no matter what you are my all and all I need is you to go on. I love Scott, but you are my strength and I love you more. Please forgive me for the times I have been bitter towards you with the baby thing. Forgive me for the other day when I said that you are just there teasing me with the baby thing. You love me and you want the best for me. Remind me of that. Keep us safe as we travel to OKC on Wednesday and then home on Thursday or Friday. I love you so much.

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