I've been doing an exercise with myself in the past week. And it seems to be working. It doesn't make life perfect, but it is helping my attitude and helping me be content. When I wake up in the morning I tell myself (when I'm actually awake enough to think) "Melissa, God has blessed you beyond what you deserve. You have an awesome husband and daughter and right now that's enough for you." And then continually during the day I thank God for all that He has done for me. I still have moments when I desire a baby so bad my arms ache, but the ache seems better when I count the blessings I have. I have also been praying that God would use us to be a home for children that need a family to call their own. Children that aren't wanted by their parents or even abused by them. I'm to the point that I want to adopt so bad. I would still love to be pregnant and experience that, but it's not about the here and now. I need to look down the road at changed lives because I sacrificed that part of me to change others. It's time that I quit being selfish and give of myself. It's not about me and my wants. It's about living in God's plan and touching lives for Him. But, boy, do I still have a lot to learn. I was watching a video on a blog that I follow and it showed me that I have so far to go in my faith. I desire faith like I saw in the video (even though this family lost a baby). Their faith was shining through thier grief. Now, I know this is a dangerous think to ask for. Why?? Because faith like that does not come easy. It comes through trials and perseverence. I pretty much prayed that God would keep the trials coming. Ok, I am a little crazy....but like I said it's not about the here and now or even being comfy. I also refuse to waste my life wanting things I may never have and miss out on the things that I do have. That's not fair to me or those who are blessings to me. I am still clinging to the hymn I mentioned in my previous post...."I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back."

God, I have not been using this blog for your Glory. I've used it to have a pity party. God forgive me. Please use me. Use this blog to touch others...that's the reason I started it in the first place. Be with those who read it and touch them in ways that they need a touch from you. Like I've been praying, help me realize the blessings that I have in my life and thank you for all of them. I love You and I will serve You all my days. In Your Name, Amen.

What God is teaching me

I have had a rough time lately. I'll admit it. And yes, I'll also admit that I'm not the only one with tough things in life (some are even worse than my situation), but can I also say that I do get selfish and all I can see is my problems. I'm working on that, I really am. Actually God has been pounding some things into my head lately (well, not quite pounding...just showing). It seems that everywhere I look God keeps telling me that it's not about what happens to you...it's about a commitment to follow Him no matter what. Thru good times and bad times. It's about trusting Him and His will in all situations. Even when you don't understand anything that's going on. I've read a book (twice...and listening to it on cd now in Sunday School), and I've watched a movie, and I have even heard a sermon that have all stated this same thing. The book is called "The Shack" the movie is called "Though None Go With Me" and the sermon was by our pastor today at church. You'd think that after all of that I would finally understand. Well, I'm not sure I understand completely, but I have decided to do what an old hymn says (from the movie I watched) :

"Though none go with me still I will follow
No turning back, no turning back"

It's a hymn called "I have decided to follow Jesus." It's making me realize now that I don't know that I completely had decided to follow Jesus. I had asked Him into my heart, but I was only willing to follow if things went my way. It's not any easier and in fact it is a hard decision. But in the end it's all worth it. I just pray that I can keep this commitment no matter what. I am still grieving, in fact I had a bad day today. But I will follow even in the midst of my pain.