Sunday, August 23, 2009

Good-Bye again

I had told a few people who read this that I had gotten a faint positive on a pg test. Then the second day I got one that was even more faint...but still there. Then the 3rd day I got a completely negative test. I wondered if I had lost my mind or was seeing lines that weren't there. But Monday brought about something that I'm not ready to again......this was the 5th time and I honestly can't do it anymore. The first and second tests were right.....I was pg. Yes, that's right I say was. Monday my 5th little angel went home to be with Jesus. What's really strange about this one is that now that it's all over I'm having pg symptoms. Sore chest, getting nauseous a little, and I'm so very tired. I am pretty sure it's a few left over pg hormones, just not enough to trigger a test. Scott has been awesome again......he's learning that just because he didn't see any kind of physical evidence that I was pg, I still hurt over this. It's really hard becuase I don't think there are any more options that I'm willing to take at this time. I don't know that I can mentally handle this again. The roller coaster of waiting and waiting, then seeing a faint line just to lose the baby a couple days later. I am just pretty sure that my first instinct is right. I'm just not meant to have a baby from my womb. I am going to start praying hard that God will grant us a baby through adoption...that He will provide the funds that are needed and that it go smoothly and not be another roller coaster as trying for our own has been. I'm doing okay right now. I went through denial for the first 2 days, then I went through my anger (big time), and now I'm into a little bit of the depressed and no energy stage. But I will make it through. I will be just fine. Even though it's hard for me to do right now, I have to let myself grieve. I guess I get scared because I keep thinking that if I start crying I might not be able to stop. But one of these days I will get it done. Oh, and I came up with another name today. I told myself all week that I was not going to pick a name because that made it more real. But that was the denial working. Like before I don't know the sex, but sometimes I feel that God allows me an insight to whether it is a boy or girl. So this morning I decided that the name Hannah Elizabeth was a very pretty name. I didn't look up the meaning, but they are both names from the Bible. And Hannah was one who begged God for a child (Samuel) and then she gave him completely over to God. I am in her position right now. But I'm realizing that I have a child and I'm giving her over completely to God. Martie is so precious and needs me. I am content to have her and I will choose that everyday. Ok, gotta go. Since my internet is not working at home I might not be on for a little while, but I will try to check facebook, e-mail, and here at some point. Your prayers are coveted and appreciated. God bless you and keep you.

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