Happy New Year

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope everyone is having a great New Years Eve Day. Scott and I are having a blast. We got to visit my brother and sister (in-law). We hadn't seen them for so long and it was time to visit. I don't know how they feel, but I have loved being at their place. They are such lucky ducks today, they got tickets to the Chiefs game for today.......and I know they are going to have a blast. Scott and I (the old married couple we are) are going to take naps today so we can stay up tonight with the newlyweds ;) Scott's getting a little worried because as we watch the weather we aren't completely sure we will get to leave tomorrow like we planned. Western Kansas has been getting major ice and snow the past few days and now it looks like it has travelled east and we may be getting it here today and tomorrow. It wouldn't bother me if we got snowed in here, but I don't know if I would be the only one to feel that way. Scott is worried about work, and Matt and Tanna might be ready for us to get out of their hair (I know they love us, but there is such a thing as over-staying). Well, anyway(s) (haha....Tanna understands) the main thing is that we've had the greatest time here and it was wonderful to spend time with my baby brother and his wife (my new sister). By the way, have I mentioned before that they are having a baby? I can't wait to meet her, she's my first niece on my side! Jaelyn Lerae (isn't her name beautiful?) Ok, that's enough for today. I'll have to keep everyone posted on how we get home tomorrow (if we get to go home). Everyone have a great New Years and be safe. Let this be a time that you start over and forget the past, a time of healing and renewing your relationship with God.

Lord, I pray that you would take this time to show me how to change my life in this new year. I pray that you would forgive the ways I sinned and went against you this past year. I pray that this new year would be a new start for me (and Scott). I pray that you would do Your will in this cancer. If it be your will please heal it, and if it's not your will to heal it, please use it to change lives (ours and others). Keep us going strong but teach us to rely on you for our strength. Keep our families safe and bring them closer to you. Thank you so much for this chance to start new, but even as we mess up this next year help us to remember that each day is a chance for us to start new. Your mercies are new each and every morning. Thank you for that! I love you! Amen

Krissi

I got a wonderful Christmas present. Well, all my presents were nice, but I got a present that I wasn't expecting. In a sense I got my baby for Christmas like I wanted. I guess I just wasn't specific about the species of baby that I wanted. I got a new puppy. She is half German Shepard and the woman didn't know what the other half was. It is a funny story how we got her. On Christmas Eve my mom and I went to Garden City earlier than the others to get a few last minute gifts. We went to Walmart (which is such a zoo around Christmas). We had to hurry because we had to get to church by 6:00 and it was 5:30 when we got done. Well, my dad called to see where we were and told us he was in the parking lot waiting for us. As we left the doors there was a woman and like 5 children calling out "free puppy." I glanced over and saw the cutest puppy. Jokingly I told mom to tell dad to ask Scott if we could have a puppy. Scott said "no, the cats are enough." Well, dad had to see this really cute puppy, so up to the doors we went. Dad couldn't leave her on Christmas Eve, so he told us to take her anyway and if we really didn't want her they would take her. Well, she finally started growing on Scott and now she is ours. Her name is Krissi (short for Christmas, since I got her on Christmas Eve). Here is a cute picture I just took of her today. I had to show her off.

I think she is just the most adorable thing in the world. She was very scared at first and didn't do much of anything but sleep all the time, but now she has started playing and she loves the cats, they just don't love her. She wants to play and they can't get away fast enough. The woman said that Krissi was used to cats being around and I can see that now. Isn't she just so cute? I think she has an ornery look in her eyes, she's going to be a handful, but it's going to be fun to have her around. I want to train her to do all sorts of tricks, and to be a good dog. She's my Christmas baby!

It's not over till the fat lady sings

Remember the saying, "It's not over till the fat lady sings?" Well, the fat lady sang this past weekend. I'm not pregnant. I know that for a fact....I got a special visitor (ladies you know who I mean). Man, that stinks. Oh, well, the good thing is that I knew when I ovulated. Maybe my body is finally doing what it's supposed to. We are still planning on adopting, so I have that to look forward to. Plus, I've decided that before I get pregnant I would like to lose about 50 pounds. I know I don't have to, but I would like to. They say it makes for a healthier pregnancy, and you can lose the baby weight faster. Plus with me having pre-diabetes, it is just healthier for me to be at a lower weight. If I lose 50 pounds I will barely be in the overweight category, so I'm happy with that, but if for some reason I can lose more than that I would love it. I think the best weight for me would be around 135-145 pounds, but right now I'll settle for 150. Ok, I just realized that I told everyone what I weigh....but good news is that it won't be for long. I started exercising regularly and I keep very close track of what I eat...which helps me cut back on my eating. So if you happen to talk to me you can ask me how it's going with my weight loss. I can use all the encouragement I can get. I'm not a very disciplined person, so I tend to give up easily. Don't let me do that. I've been told that with my PCOS, that if I can lose weight that it can help me get pregnant without drugs, so I'm gonna try it. And if it doesn't work, we still have Clomid to try. And we are going to adopt no matter what (at least 1 or 2 kids). It's so funny, I thought I would be disappointed that I wasn't pregnant, but I keep thinking that now I can lose weight and have a better pregnancy if/when I do get pregnant. It's still kind of hard when I think about those around me getting pregnant, but at least for now I know that God has a plan for Scott and I, and it's a plan bigger than we could ever imagine.

Really quick I want to tell you a story (don't get sad or feel sorry for us....it's just thoughts). But Scott and I were talking the other day (when I still thought I was pregnant) and he said that he gets this feeling that God is going to let us adopt or get pregnant and then take him home. I had that same thought just a few days before he said anything. Now, I don't know that these thoughts will come true, but I thought I would share them with those close to me. I can't get myself to verbalize these thoughts so I can't tell anyone in person, but for some reason it's easier for me to type my thoughts. It could just be the way our minds are thinking....maybe a fear we have deep down. But I've always had this feeling that my time with Scott would be precious, but shorter than I would like it to be. I don't know......I can't say anything for sure....look at how the pregnancy thing turned out. Ok, now that I have that off my chest....I guess the best thing would be to pray about it....which I should have done first.

Lord, I thank you for being here with me. I am so glad that even though I wasn't pregnant that I'm still able to worship you and love you. I pray that you would be with us as we continue to battle this cancer. Be with us on Jan. 4th as we go back to OKC. I pray for the Christmas season, that we would all remember the real reason for celebrating. Keep safe those who are traveling. Thank you so much for the family that I have and that we are so close. I also pray for the thoughts that Scott and I had. I pray that if they aren't from you that you would take them away, and if for some reason they are from you as a preparation for the future, then be with us and comfort us and guide us. Thank you so much for all you've done....for coming down as a baby and then later on dying for our sins and saving us from Hell. You are awesome. I love you!

Am I going to get a miracle?

I am so confused right now. I don't think that God would lie to me about giving me a miracle for Christmas, but maybe I'm looking too hard for a specific miracle. When I started praying for a Christmas miracle, I was thinking about adoption. I thought that maybe God would speed things up and allow us to get a child in our home for Christmas. Well, shortly after that I started having the feeling that God really was going to give me a miracle. Now I don't know if He's giving me the miracle I think I'm getting or if I'm just wishful thinking. Note that I was not even thinking about pregnancy, and all of a sudden I feel pregnant and I'm having symptoms.....and then of all things my dad says something to me that makes me think twice. He teased me about having a "bun in the oven." Ok, he was teasing, but maybe there was something to it. But now I'm starting to doubt myself. I've taken two tests and they've both been BFN (big fat negative). Scott said I just tested too soon (he thinks I am pregnant....or maybe he just doesn't want me to be disappointed). I can't help but think that maybe we are going to be one of those stories of a couple who tried and tried to have a baby and didn't get pg until they started adopting. Ok, wanna know the other weird thing, the due date that I keep coming up with (not a for sure thing) is pretty much to the day of when I miscarried last year. As Scott keeps saying, "That's something God would do." Plus, it's always been my dream to be able to announce I was pg at Christmas. But if God is answering my prayer and I get my Christmas miracle, why are the tests all negative? Is God teaching me patience or is God letting me wait since I wouldn't be able to keep the secret very long anyway? I've been told that I just need to go see the dr so they can do a blood test to see for sure.....but can I handle it if it's really negative? Is it finally my chance or am I making it all up in my mind? I've had two pg women tell me they think I am, but I keep doubting. Have any of you heard Martina McBride's new song "Anyway"? It's a great song and Scott keeps reminding me of the lyrics of the song, but a part of the song talks about dreaming a dream that may never happen, but I'm gonna dream it anyway. The other night I was bummed and doubting and Scott told me to remember that part of the song and just keep dreaming and hoping that I was pregnant. This is the first time ever that Scott has been almost as sure as me that I'm pregnant. He said he has a strong thoughts....but he doesn't know if it's God telling him or if he's just looking at my symptoms and thinking I am. Is it something that he has had these thoughts this time and not any other time? I AM SO CONFUSED!!!!!!!! I get on the internet all the time now not only to chat with people that might be able to give me answers, but to look up some answers myself. And for right now the only thing I've learned is that I know almost everything about looking for signs of pregnancy. I think I'm going insane (at least temporarily) because I think I keep looking for a new website that will say something to the effect of, "Melissa Soodsma, you are finally pregnant!" I know it will never happen that way, but I just can't help but look anyway. I guess I just needed to vent again, but I will keep everyone posted as to how it all turns out.

Exhausted

I'm so exhausted. I thought we might be on the downhill side of the cancer. It seemed like we got such good reports the last two times we were down in OKC. Our Dr. told us that he just wanted a little more tissue scraped off the eyelid, but now we just found out that we get to endure another surgery. The results of the tests run by the pathologists were inconclusive. The tissue was crushed and they thought they found more cancer cells, but they can't be for sure. But now they are worried about how to get this other tissue. If they don't get enough of it the first time it could spread very fast (it tends to do that if you disrupt it), but they're not sure how much they need to take. I feel so tired of all this. I can sleep at night, take naps, rest during the day, anything, and I still feel exhausted. It has just taken so much out of me, out of both of us. I knew that cancer was hard, but I guess I didn't understand how hard it is....and how long and drawn out it can be. That's the tiring part....it's not like the flu; you don't just get sick, and then get over it. You fight and fight and fight, and hope that you've done enough. I guess I just need to vent. I so thought we were on the downhill slope. I thought we were going to be done and be able to get on with adopting (we aren't going to quit, though) but I just don't know if it's the right time yet to bring a child into our home. I want it to be a stable environment, not traveling to a daddy's cancer appointments. I guess God will decide that for us. He'll give us our children when He sees fit. I guess if we have to wait, we will. I won't push it and force Him to give us kids too early (not that I could anyway). It may still be kind of hard if we have to wait longer, but if I've gone this long what's a little longer right? Ok, I'm so tired and I don't feel like making this a long sermon-like blog today.

Lord, I just pray for us right now. Give us the strength to go on. We know that we can do all things with You and right now we are depending on you to go on. We can't do it without you. I pray for healing in Scott's eye. I pray that the Dr's would know what to do and how to do it. Give them wisdom in all of this. Work through their hands. Thank you for all you have blessed us with and thank you for providing through the cancer. You have given us more than we could ever have imagined. Thank you again. I love you!

Thanks!

I have to say a public thank you. I have a wonderful friend who just happens to be my sister (in-law). I was down and out and she brought to my attention that I was wrong in my thinking. She loves me enough to be honest with me, yet do it in a kind and gentle way. I can't wait to see how she is with the baby, because I know she will make the bestest mommy in the whole world. I miss her so much and I wish that she lived closer to us, but I would never wish her to be anywhere than where she is, because she is happily married (to my wonderful brother) and having a great time in Topeka. I've realized that family is so important. You can't shut them out just because you feel a certain way. They won't know how you are feeling unless you let them know. It's all about communication. Whether it's your spouse or a mom or dad or sister or brother. You can't keep it all bottled inside. Not only is it good for them (family) to know, but it's good so you don't keep it to yourself and suffer more than you have to. I guess I still have a lot to learn when it comes to living life. It's so hard....but then again, God never promised us it would be easy. I have to remember that God has a plan for my life and it is a good and wonderful plan. It's better than I could ever imagine, even if it's different than what I think it should be. I should be remembering this verse:

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Jeremiah 29:11

It goes on from there and says some more wonderful things, but even if I just remember that part of the scripture it's a great promise for me.....for everyone. Because God doesn't just have plans for me, but for everyone. He never makes mistakes, His will is perfect as long as we follow Him. Now I'm not saying I won't have days that I forget this. I know I will have times that I want my will over His will, but I hope that He reminds me that it is better His way. The view He has is like the view from an airplane...He can see everything in front of us, but our view is from a dashboard perspective....all we see is what is right there, we can't see what's coming up. We need to trust the one who see's it all.

Another verse that I just thought of is Psalm 37:4. It says:

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

I used to think that it meant that you would get what you wanted if you made God happy (almost like doing favors for each other). Scott and I had a discussion (many discussions) about this verse. He did his research and found out that the phrase "delight yourself in the Lord" means something different than we think. It means that we need to make ourselves soft and pliable to God.....like soft clay. Open yourself up to His will and you will get the desires of your heart, because the desires of your heart become God's desires for you. Does that make sense? It didn't to me at first. But I think I get it. Now, I know that doesn't mean that God doesn't like blessing us with things we want or we enjoy. He's like any other father with his children, He has a soft spot for us and likes to bless us. Ok, this turned out to be almost a sermon. I'm sorry about that. I started and I just couldn't stop. Maybe this was God's way of letting me speak to someone who needed it. So if this spoke to you give God the thanks because it was Him who used my fingers to type it.

Lord, Thank you for family, thank you for friends, thank you that we have each other to help us through tough times. Remind me that I can be open and honest with them. I thank you for the blessings that you have given to me so far in my life and I also thank you for the miracles that you have done in my life. I said before that you don't give me miracles, but you do. The first one was actually giving me life, and since then, there have been too many to mention on this blog. I pray for health and safety for Matt and Tanna's baby. Help Tanna with her gallbladder troubles and help the rest of the pregnancy to go well. Help calm her fears as the time draws near for the baby to be born (March/April). Thank you again. I love you!