Saturday, December 16, 2006

Am I going to get a miracle?

I am so confused right now. I don't think that God would lie to me about giving me a miracle for Christmas, but maybe I'm looking too hard for a specific miracle. When I started praying for a Christmas miracle, I was thinking about adoption. I thought that maybe God would speed things up and allow us to get a child in our home for Christmas. Well, shortly after that I started having the feeling that God really was going to give me a miracle. Now I don't know if He's giving me the miracle I think I'm getting or if I'm just wishful thinking. Note that I was not even thinking about pregnancy, and all of a sudden I feel pregnant and I'm having symptoms.....and then of all things my dad says something to me that makes me think twice. He teased me about having a "bun in the oven." Ok, he was teasing, but maybe there was something to it. But now I'm starting to doubt myself. I've taken two tests and they've both been BFN (big fat negative). Scott said I just tested too soon (he thinks I am pregnant....or maybe he just doesn't want me to be disappointed). I can't help but think that maybe we are going to be one of those stories of a couple who tried and tried to have a baby and didn't get pg until they started adopting. Ok, wanna know the other weird thing, the due date that I keep coming up with (not a for sure thing) is pretty much to the day of when I miscarried last year. As Scott keeps saying, "That's something God would do." Plus, it's always been my dream to be able to announce I was pg at Christmas. But if God is answering my prayer and I get my Christmas miracle, why are the tests all negative? Is God teaching me patience or is God letting me wait since I wouldn't be able to keep the secret very long anyway? I've been told that I just need to go see the dr so they can do a blood test to see for sure.....but can I handle it if it's really negative? Is it finally my chance or am I making it all up in my mind? I've had two pg women tell me they think I am, but I keep doubting. Have any of you heard Martina McBride's new song "Anyway"? It's a great song and Scott keeps reminding me of the lyrics of the song, but a part of the song talks about dreaming a dream that may never happen, but I'm gonna dream it anyway. The other night I was bummed and doubting and Scott told me to remember that part of the song and just keep dreaming and hoping that I was pregnant. This is the first time ever that Scott has been almost as sure as me that I'm pregnant. He said he has a strong thoughts....but he doesn't know if it's God telling him or if he's just looking at my symptoms and thinking I am. Is it something that he has had these thoughts this time and not any other time? I AM SO CONFUSED!!!!!!!! I get on the internet all the time now not only to chat with people that might be able to give me answers, but to look up some answers myself. And for right now the only thing I've learned is that I know almost everything about looking for signs of pregnancy. I think I'm going insane (at least temporarily) because I think I keep looking for a new website that will say something to the effect of, "Melissa Soodsma, you are finally pregnant!" I know it will never happen that way, but I just can't help but look anyway. I guess I just needed to vent again, but I will keep everyone posted as to how it all turns out.

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