I'm so exhausted. I thought we might be on the downhill side of the cancer. It seemed like we got such good reports the last two times we were down in OKC. Our Dr. told us that he just wanted a little more tissue scraped off the eyelid, but now we just found out that we get to endure another surgery. The results of the tests run by the pathologists were inconclusive. The tissue was crushed and they thought they found more cancer cells, but they can't be for sure. But now they are worried about how to get this other tissue. If they don't get enough of it the first time it could spread very fast (it tends to do that if you disrupt it), but they're not sure how much they need to take. I feel so tired of all this. I can sleep at night, take naps, rest during the day, anything, and I still feel exhausted. It has just taken so much out of me, out of both of us. I knew that cancer was hard, but I guess I didn't understand how hard it is....and how long and drawn out it can be. That's the tiring part....it's not like the flu; you don't just get sick, and then get over it. You fight and fight and fight, and hope that you've done enough. I guess I just need to vent. I so thought we were on the downhill slope. I thought we were going to be done and be able to get on with adopting (we aren't going to quit, though) but I just don't know if it's the right time yet to bring a child into our home. I want it to be a stable environment, not traveling to a daddy's cancer appointments. I guess God will decide that for us. He'll give us our children when He sees fit. I guess if we have to wait, we will. I won't push it and force Him to give us kids too early (not that I could anyway). It may still be kind of hard if we have to wait longer, but if I've gone this long what's a little longer right? Ok, I'm so tired and I don't feel like making this a long sermon-like blog today.
Lord, I just pray for us right now. Give us the strength to go on. We know that we can do all things with You and right now we are depending on you to go on. We can't do it without you. I pray for healing in Scott's eye. I pray that the Dr's would know what to do and how to do it. Give them wisdom in all of this. Work through their hands. Thank you for all you have blessed us with and thank you for providing through the cancer. You have given us more than we could ever have imagined. Thank you again. I love you!