Bi-polar Treatment

I started a new bi-polar treatment (amidst all that's going on this week). It's an all-natural treatment that has vitamins and herbs in it. I started it on Monday and we've been monitoring me really close to see what it has done. I think it's working. Unless it's just my mind thinking that it's working. But my thoughts haven't been racing as much and when I do have energy it's not an over-abundance, and when things have gotten me down I don't get "down" like I have been known to do. I know it's only the first week, an it will take a few weeks to really know for sure if it's working or not, but the results so far are promising. I just had to share this little bit of news because I had said that I would do that earlier in my blog.

And tomorrow is the "big" day and I'm so excited. Not that Martie doesn't feel like my daughter already, but it's legal and official tomorrow. Her birth certificate will be changed to our names and everything. It makes it so much more real. We've noticed that since we've been getting closer to finalization day, she's been opening up more and more (which I thought maybe she would do). She's shared more about her past than she ever has and has been talking to us about her social life and trusting us more with thing around her. I know it's because she can really know that we are not leaving her now. This whole time she's known that we could change our minds at any time (not that we would have) but to her, our word meant nothing. She's used to being "thrown away" and it's foreign to her that someone would stick around. And now here it is and we have chosen her and we are keeping her. She's coming around and it's so good to finally see her heart coming out. She's such a precious girl. Anyway...I am going to end this post like I used to end my posts and I haven't done it in awhile.

Lord, I just thank you for today. I thank you for family and friends. I pray that you would be with each of them. God I give my daughter to you, she's Yours long before she's ours and I pray that even though we will make many mistakes (and already have) that Your will, will be done in her life. She has such a good heart and so much love and compassion. I pray that You would grow her and use that for Your good. Draw her close to You, help heal her past hurts and like you did with my past, allow good to come from all of it eventually. Lord, I just thank you for what you do in our lives. I don't thank you enough or acknowledge what you do. I take for granted the everyday things. I pray, Lord, that my blog would be used to Your glory and that lives could be touched by it in some way. Thank you for this opportunity to share my heart. In Your name, Amen.

Dr Appt.

Ok, I went to my appt today. I was open to hearing bad news if I needed to hear it. And the dr did an exam and I go in for a sonogram in three weeks (to make sure things look ok inside), but I was shocked at what she told me and what our next course of action is. I am now officially on progesterone pills and for the next three months Scott and I will officially be "trying" really hard for a baby. Yes, I'm on Clomid...the med that will make me ovulate. I don't know if the dr is looking at the future and seeing that I need to do all that I can now, but she was the one who brought up clomid and all that today. I was just like, whoa, I can't believe that I went in to the dr's office thinking the worst and it came out like this. Now, this doesn't mean that the meds will for sure work, but I'm willing to try them if the dr thinks they are worth trying. The progesterone pills are to help me have enough progesterone to keep a pregnancy and of course the others are to help me get pg. I'm excited to be trying again, but I'm scared too. I don't want to get my hopes up, but at the same time I want to remember that God can do anything. We are not telling Martie at this time, because she wants a little brother or sister so bad that she will get her hopes up and then will be crushed if nothing happens. I don't know if I should even be blogging about this, maybe I'm jinxing myself...but then again....I shouldn't even be believing in superstitions. God is bigger than that. God works in His own way and above superstitions and luck. Anyway, I guess we'll see how the summer goes and what happens. Trust me, I'll be sharing fears and doubts along the way...and if anything happens the blog will be one of the first places I'll go (after announcing it to family and friends of course). Keep praying....but pray that God's will is done in the situation. God bless.

Also this week

• I do have one major prayer request for me (and maybe I'm just venting my fears). But I have a dr. appt. this coming wednesday with my "woman" dr. I'm nervous and afraid of what is coming. I have not shared this with anyone but my family and my husband, but I don't think my body is doing some very good things. I've been having some bad symptoms in the past couple months and while it could be other things, these symptoms can be linked to cervical/ovarian/uterine cancer. With all the problems I've had I do have an increased risk of these cancers, so I've always had my alert higher and looking for these signs. They are uncomfortable and they do interfere with my normal, everyday life. I can see the dr wanting to for sure do another D&C, but I'm afraid that it's getting so bad that she's going to suggest a hysterectomy soon (maybe not this summer, but in a couple years). While I would give up these parts to keep from suffering from cancer, it is very hard on me because if I have a hysterectomy my chances of having a baby becomes zero, zippo, nothing. This will be hard for me. I will get through it, but it will take some grieving. I might just grieve as if I lost another baby. Ok, now I'm talking as if this will for sure happen. I need to not do that. But I do need to know that it could be a reality very shortly. I know earlier I posted about having "God-feelings" and feeling like a person knew that something was going to happen. Well, I've had this funny feeling about me and my woman stuff and that I will be losing all those parts within the next few years. I hope that my feeling is wrong this time, but it is the same feeling that I had before Scott and I found out about his eye cancer. It was like God was preparing us for it. Well, sometimes I feel like God might be preparing me for this. I just hope that I can get past whatever happens on Wednesday. Scott is going with me, but I'm still nervous. I don't know what all the dr can do on that day, it will probably take more dr appts, but at least this is a start. Just pray for me that I will have the peace of God between now and then and during the appt.

May 8th

Wow! It's finally the week of our finalization. We finalize this coming Friday (May 8th). I'm so excited. Martaysha will finally become a Soodsma. And then we celebrate it the week after when she has her graduation party. This is so cool. As tough as it can be (as it can be with any child) it's also very rewarding and fulfilling to be a mom. I just know this is what I am supposed to be doing. I was created to be a mom. Even if I was created to do nothing else, I at least know that I was made to be a mom. And just in time for Mother's Day. When we were finding out about our finalization and they were telling us it would take 4-6 weeks to get into court (which would have made it the end of May) I just started praying. I wanted to be very selfish in my praying but I first told God that I knew His timing was best and that since we had waited this many months anyway, then I could wait a few more weeks. But then I was real with Him and I told Him that deep down I would love it if we could get into court earlier than the 4-6 weeks. I even added that He could give it to me for Mothers Day and I would gladly have that as a graduation present over anything else I could get. And He did it! I have to be honest I'm used to God having me learn patience or waiting on His timing, but this time I must have passed the test, because my prayer was answered. Ok, I know my prayers are always answered and that sometimes it's a no instead of a yes, but sometimes the no feels like it wasn't answered. Anyway, this ended up being a very long explanation for sharing that we are finalizing. I will keep you all posted. Thanks for all the prayers.

p.s. by the way I should have more time to blog and keep people posted because I resigned from my job. I feel that I need to have more time to be a good wife and mother and not pulled in so many directions. I'm going to substitute teach so that I'm getting out of the house enough, but can say no when I need to be somewhere for Martie or have something that needs my attention.