Ok, I bet you are wondering about the title to this post. It's sounds weird.....but it's what God is doing to me right now. I know it's for the best, but it does not make it any easier. I've already told my family this, and of course Scott knows about it, too. I will share it with you. Please don't fight me on this. I held off on telling my family about it because I feared that they would think I was giving up on my faith. I'm not giving up on my faith, in fact right now I have to have more faith than ever before. God has been speaking to me for awhile now and I've been fighting Him. It's been making me miserable in the process. God told me that I will never bear my own children.....yes, that is a very hard thing to take in. (that's why I've been fighting it). I've been angry, I've been in denial, and so many other things along the way. But now I'm coming to the acceptance part. Whenever I've told people that we are going to keep trying for our own it's been more trying to convince myself that it can happen. It won't happen, it's not part of God's plan for us. I asked Him the other night why it had to be me. "Why can't You pick on someone else, why me?" The answer?? (God speaking) "Melissa, why wouldn't I pick you?" In other words, God has specially picked me to love and raise children that will be on earth no matter what and will just be tossed away. Even Scott told me that I have a gift to love other peoples children. This is not an easy thing to digest. It's been my life's desire to get pregnant and enjoy a life growing inside me. But it's not going to happen. It's still hard to see a pregnant woman, and I will still go through some grieving (who wouldn't), but I have given it up to God. I'm putting my faith and trust in Him to give us the children that we so desire. Maybe it will be the two girls (still haven't heard anything). I am now praying that God will allow us to adopt an infant so I can experience that part (even though so many people tell me I'm lucky if I can skip that). I still hang on to the idea that I will see three babies in Heaven that started out life in my womb, but were called home. Actually, I got a poem from a friend that I would like to share. It brought tears to my eyes, and then I printed it out to hang on my wall.
In Heaven there must surely be
A special place, a nursery
Where 'little spirits' not fully grown
Go to live in their Heavenly home.
The angels must attend with love
Tiny spirits on wings of doves,
The choir of angels must sing lullabies
Maybe quieten their tiny cries.
The Father must come by each day
To cuddle and play in a special way
These tiny spirits left earth too soon
Little ones called Home from the womb.
These sparks of life did not perish
But came to the Father's love to cherish,
To grow and be taught in His own arms
Safely away from all earthly harm.
The comforter was sent to earth at once
To the parents who lost their little one
Their hearts so ache, their arms feel empty
The question 'why' seems so tempting.
Then all at once in the midst of tears
There comes a peace that stills the fears
The parents share the Father's own need
To hold their tiny spirit being.
They relinquish their own desperate hold
And release their baby to the Father's fold,
Then comes an angel to whisper the truth
Of a nursery in Heaven bearing rich fruit
Of tiny spirits chosen to worship the Father
A place that couldn't be filled by another,
Called to be spared from the struggles of earth,
Chosen to be one of Heaven's births.
So Father, whisper words of love from me
To our unborn 'life' in your nursery.
(isn't that beautiful?)