Family Life Today and Focus on the Family were both airing shows about adoption all week. I was so excited, it seemed like it was all I could talk about. I still feel like God's calling us to adopt, but I guess I'm feeling discouraged. I heard on those shows this week some adopted mom's feelings and most of them said their biggest fear was not loving that child as much as a birth child. I don't really have that fear because I don't know what it's like to love a birth child. My biggest fear is that we'll get this child or children home with us and our families won't love them as much as the "birth" children in the family. Am I crazy? I just want to cry because I'm so scared of this. What if the grandparents don't want to aknowledge that our adopted children are their grandchildren? Will they want to spoil our adopted children like the other grandchildren? What do you tell a child that's treated different if it happens? I feel like someone just popped my balloon full of excitement and happiness. Scott says I need to talk to our families and let them know how I'm feeling, but what if the answer is what I fear the most? What if they tell me that the child won't really be their grandchild? I know, those are a bunch of what-ifs, but it scares me so bad. I don't want the other grandchildren ignored, but I pray and hope that our children aren't ignored. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who gets excited about adopting (besides Scott...he gets excited). I want to just shout it to everybody that we're adopting, but I don't feel like I can since Matt and Tanna are having their baby. I guess it's probably not right to butt in on their joy and excitement (and everyone else's). I've often wondered if maybe we should just start keeping quiet about this and then after we get our children just quietly let family know that we have them, but not make a big deal out of it. Maybe that would be the best thing to do. The more I think about it the more I'm sure that's the way we need to do it. A birth is so much more exciting than an adoption, even I know that. It's not anyone's fault, it's just the way it is. I'm even so excited for Matt and Tanna. It's my first "real" niece!
We are still adopting, just don't worry if I don't shout it from the rooftops anymore.