New Treatment

Oh, I also wanted to share that I think we are going to put-off doing the all natural fertility stuff and we are going to do an all-natural treatment for my bipolar.  I'm just leary about trying drugs right away, but I will do it if I have to, I just want to try herbs and vitamins if I can.  Anyway, I just thought I should share that too since I have been sharing my thoughts and things about my bopolar.  

"God" feelings

Has anyone ever experience gut feelings that have been from God?  I seem to experience those sometimes and very rarely are they wrong.  Sometimes it gets scary, but not in like a horror movie scary, just in a weird, I can't believe this is going on scary.  I knew my sis-in-law Tanna was pregnant before she even found out (I told her she was and she denied it until she took a test and it was positive).  I knew my other sis-in-law Tonya was pregnant.  I kept telling Scott that she was pregnant (this was going on like the whole month of August and September) and at the end of September she told me she was pregnant.  Then I told Scott that my good friend Sabrina was going to have a baby this year and that I thought she was pregnant...within two weeks she told me she was pregnant (ok so far they seem to have to do with babies).  I also have been able to have a gut instinct with Marti.  I seem to be able to tell when she's doing something.  Whenever she's gotten into major trouble (well, not extremely major...just more than we like) I've had a feeling about it before it happened.  Maybe the Marti thing is just a Mother's instinct, I don't know.  But it is kind of weird.  I just wanted to share cause it is just weird to me.  Maybe I'm insane, maybe I'm not.  I don't know.  It's just something that was on my mind today.  Thought I would share it.  

Not this time

I took a test this weekend while I was away.  It was negative.  I am disappointed, but I am choosing to hold on to God thru it all.  It's just hard not knowing what God's will is in all of this.  I'm trying not to be depressed about it, but it's like I read on a website that I post on (on a daily basis) a woman who can't have a baby, misses that baby as if she is missing a person.  Even though she's never met this person.  I am trying something new here in a week or so.  I read about it in a parents magazine of mine and I did a lot of research about it.  It has gotten a lot of good reviews and the studies that they did on it were very good.  It's called Fertilityblend.  It's all natural (it's herbs and vitamins) and it's supposed to increase fertility.  There is a blend for men as well as women, so we are trying both blends.  Since it is all natural there are not the side-effects that come with using the clomid that I was going to try.  And it costs about the same that the clomid would cost.  So we would be at about the same place we would be if we tried it.  If you were to research the side-effects of clomid, you would see why I thought I would try something all natural first.  And if it works, then I will be very happy.  If not, we are in the same place that we are in now.  Well, I am at my parents house and spending time with them before I go back home.  I'll be back on later this week.  (I should be getting my fertilityblend this week).    

Bad Girl

I know I will get in so much trouble for this, but I just canceled my appt for today. I just can't do it. I just can't go there alone. I panicked when I woke up and had to start getting ready to go, so I called and told them that I couldn't come because of my dad (ok, I lied a little...forgive me for that). I also know that my family won't like that I didn't go to the dr to get my a pg test done. But I was scared to death about that too. I can't even explain it. It was almost like I was having a panic attack and literally could not leave the house to go to this dr. appt. What is wrong with me? I know that if I'm pg that I have to be tested early so that they can get me on something, but I just couldn't go. I just couldn't do it alone. When I talked to Scott he just laughed at me and asked me why I hated driving alone. He asked me how I made it to Alta Vista that one weekend. I guess he just doesn't understand that it's not the driving. I tried to make him understand that it was the actual dr appt and that I just didn't think I could do it alone and he said, "well, don't go then." So I guess it must not be that important to go. I don't know. I get so frustrated with infertility and with my womanly stuff. Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just be a normal woman that can get pregnant just by thinking about her husband? What is wrong with me? I better go, it's getting so I can hardly see the computer screen. Someday I might just get life straight, but for now I'll just go have a good cry.

Discouraged

Ok, I'm having second thoughts about Wednesday. I know I need to go and have my 6-month check-up with the dr, so I have to go. But I don't know if I want to talk about Clomid with her. I just don't think it's going to work. I think I'm getting my hopes up for nothing. I see newborns and I just think to myself "I am never going to experience that. Who am I kidding?" I don't even know if she will let me do it. I might just be setting myself up for heartache. What do I do? Is this satan trying to keep me from this, or is it God telling me not to do it? How do I know? I just don't know what to do. I don't think it means anything (even though I mentioned it to Scott), but I started feeling yucky after meals on Saturday and it's stuck with me until today. Trust me, I want to say "OH, I think I'm pregnant." But I don't know if it's really possible, or if that's what's really going on. Maybe I'm just getting sick again (yeah..I thought it was the flu last time). Wow, my mind plays so many tricks on me. I guess I'll just go on Wednesday and talk to the dr, and if she shoots me down on the clomid then that's my answer. I'll tell her about me feeling yucky for the past few days and see if she wants to test for pregnancy. I'm trying so hard to hold on to God right now. I know I need Him, but I tend to get so discouraged that I fall away from Him. It's just so hard, I'm so selfish and self-centered. I want things that I want when I want them, and I want it done my way. When will I learn to do it God's way?

Holding on to God

I was thinking about Job today. Actually it was in a devotion that we did at suppertime today. But it hit me. Job lost everything, his health, his wealth, his children. He was miserable. He was the perfect candidate to be able to complain and even curse God. But he didn't. He still praised God. Look at me. I have a great husband, I have good friends, I have family that loves me and supports me even when I'm a butt. I have even more things that I'm not even thinking of right now. I have a good job, a roof over my head, I have a beautiful daughter (a miracle from God), and like I said much more to count as blessings. But here I am and I think I have a reason to complain. Yes, there are days that I feel overwhelmed. I feel depressed and worthless. But God is always there, and I do not need to curse His name. I tried to teach my daughter a lesson last night at supper. It happened by accident, but it was the perfect thing. Scott had bought a pop for her (for after her Karate class) and we decided to let her drink it with supper. Well, there was water in all the glasses, so I took her glass and poured the water down the drain. Marti started whining and told me I was mean and that wasn't nice of me to pour her drink down the drain. So I told her that sometimes in life you have to give something up and it seems unfair and you don't understand it, but that usually something better is coming if we will just be patient and wait for it. I brought up the baby thing and told her that sometimes I get angry and think it's unfair that I can't have a baby, but that only God can see the whole picture and He must have something bigger and better in mind for me. She didn't know it, but I had to get rid of her water to give her the pop. I saw the whole picture, she didn't. And she got something so much better out of it...but she had to be willing to give up "her" will, and surrender to "my" will. Isn't that how we should be with God? Why do we fight with him? He can see so much more than us. What if I'm trying to settle for "water" and He's trying to give me "pop". If I won't give up what I have now, He can't give me what's better. Sometimes great life lessons happen at the strangest times (like at 8:00....suppertime). Are you willing to give up your "water" so that God can give you "pop"?

Another Niece

Ok, it happened. Tanna had her baby today. I haven't seen pictures yet (it's killing me not to see her) but I'm hoping to see some soon. Finlee was born this morning and weighed 7lbs 9oz. She was 2 pounds lighter then Jaelyn. Matt (my brother) told me that she looks just like Jaelyn did when she was born, only smaller. Don't worry, I'm doing better than you would think I am. Yes, it's tough. Yes, it makes me long for my own baby. It's hard for me to make all my thoughts come together, but I'm working it out. I think right now the toughest thing is not being able to see her. I think that would help me. It helped me when Jae was born (to see her in person). For now just keep praying. I can tell that things are going so much better for me. I can get upset about things, but it doesn't go out of control. I have been in prayer most of the day. Not only for me, because I prayed all morning that Tanna and Finlee would be ok. But I did pray for me and I gave my feelings and thoughts to God all day long. This helped me so much. It was a continuous thing. I had to keep giving those thoughts away over and over. And in doing so I have been able to remember that I have a new niece who I know is beautiful. And my sister-in-law is doing very well and is the proud mommy of 2 girls now. I make a vow to focus on these positive and exciting moments of today. If I focus on others besides myself, it helps me not to focus on my self-pity.

Tanna, whenever you read this, I'm so excited and I can't wait to see you and Matt and Jae and now Finlee. Remember, I still consider you my link to being pregnant and having a baby. I do not feel bad about you, I am not angry, I'm excited. I'm so happy that Matt married you. I see the kind of wife and mother you are, and you sometimes make me look bad. You are a proverbs 31 woman, and no one will ever change my mind on that. You keep being that wife that thanks her husband for going to work, and you keep being that mommy that has fun with her children, with just enough discipline added in. You truly are one of my best friends ever. I love you!

Kory Allan

My sweet angel baby,
I miss you. I think about you a lot. Just like I did with your sisters and brother, I wonder who you would have turned out to be. I hope that they are taking good care of you, as well as your great-Grandpa. Someday we will meet you and get to know you. Until then, I will know that you never felt the pain of this world. Your birthday was not an earthly one, but one in which you went right to the arms of Jesus. If we couldn't hold you, that's the next best thing. I am claiming the peace of God in this situation (because that's what your name means) and I don't want you to worry about me. I'm doing fine and I'm letting you go. I will not hold on to you any longer. I release you to spend your life in Heaven. I will hold your memory in my heart, but I will do it with love, not anger and bitterness. Hugs and kisses from Mommy, Daddy, and your sister, Martaysha.

Love,
Mommy

Vitamin B and other things

Vitamin B works if you suffer from depression. I have now been on it for awhile (I can't even remember exactly how long) but I had an opportunity to get really down on myself yesterday. Actually I was really upset and felt bad about me, but I did not stay down for long. Today I am feeling fine and the extreme did not go as low as it could have. I am physically feeling better and so now mentally I am getting better too. I think a person always tends to feel down when they are sick...cause they just want to get better. I have also made a decision. I am going to blog a letter to my "Angel Baby", Kory Allan. It will be my own personal memorial service to him and then I can move on. I wasn't going to say anything, and only those of you who read this will know (I did tell my sis-in-law and my mom...of course), but this is a prayer request only. I am not giving any false hope that a miracle will for sure take place, but I want lots of prayer for making this decison and that if we do that it could possibly work. But Scott and I have been talking and he wants me to try Clomid. For those of you who don't know what that is, I have probably talked about it in other blogs...a long while ago. But it's a drug that is supposed to make me ovulate, we will know for sure when it is supposed to happen and then we can try to get pregnant just one last time. I am excited that Scott is ready to take this step, but I'm scared to death to even possibly get my hopes up. Because I don't think my only problem is getting pregnant, it's keeping the baby. I go to the dr about this on March 11 and we will discuss whether or not this option will even work for us or if we do it, maybe I have to take some kind of hormone (shot or pill). But after the miscarriage in February, I do get nervous about really trying again. Ok, maybe we are crazy for trying to get pregant after just getting Marti, but God will know what we need to do. Also, with my womanly problems, I really think that we don't have as much time to work with that some women do when trying to have kids. I don't think my woman parts will last as long as they should. Anyway, for the moment just be praying that we make the decison that God wants us to make. Even if it means giving it up and not trying it. If we decide to do it, then it becomes a prayer that it will work and that we don't get upset over it if it doesn't work. Ok, for now that is all I think. It turned out to be a longer post than I expected, but at least it's not all venting about how life stinks. I think it is a normal post from a girl who's getting back to normal. God Bless you all!!!