Bad Girl

I know I will get in so much trouble for this, but I just canceled my appt for today. I just can't do it. I just can't go there alone. I panicked when I woke up and had to start getting ready to go, so I called and told them that I couldn't come because of my dad (ok, I lied a little...forgive me for that). I also know that my family won't like that I didn't go to the dr to get my a pg test done. But I was scared to death about that too. I can't even explain it. It was almost like I was having a panic attack and literally could not leave the house to go to this dr. appt. What is wrong with me? I know that if I'm pg that I have to be tested early so that they can get me on something, but I just couldn't go. I just couldn't do it alone. When I talked to Scott he just laughed at me and asked me why I hated driving alone. He asked me how I made it to Alta Vista that one weekend. I guess he just doesn't understand that it's not the driving. I tried to make him understand that it was the actual dr appt and that I just didn't think I could do it alone and he said, "well, don't go then." So I guess it must not be that important to go. I don't know. I get so frustrated with infertility and with my womanly stuff. Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just be a normal woman that can get pregnant just by thinking about her husband? What is wrong with me? I better go, it's getting so I can hardly see the computer screen. Someday I might just get life straight, but for now I'll just go have a good cry.