Happy New Year

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope everyone is having a great New Years Eve Day. Scott and I are having a blast. We got to visit my brother and sister (in-law). We hadn't seen them for so long and it was time to visit. I don't know how they feel, but I have loved being at their place. They are such lucky ducks today, they got tickets to the Chiefs game for today.......and I know they are going to have a blast. Scott and I (the old married couple we are) are going to take naps today so we can stay up tonight with the newlyweds ;) Scott's getting a little worried because as we watch the weather we aren't completely sure we will get to leave tomorrow like we planned. Western Kansas has been getting major ice and snow the past few days and now it looks like it has travelled east and we may be getting it here today and tomorrow. It wouldn't bother me if we got snowed in here, but I don't know if I would be the only one to feel that way. Scott is worried about work, and Matt and Tanna might be ready for us to get out of their hair (I know they love us, but there is such a thing as over-staying). Well, anyway(s) (haha....Tanna understands) the main thing is that we've had the greatest time here and it was wonderful to spend time with my baby brother and his wife (my new sister). By the way, have I mentioned before that they are having a baby? I can't wait to meet her, she's my first niece on my side! Jaelyn Lerae (isn't her name beautiful?) Ok, that's enough for today. I'll have to keep everyone posted on how we get home tomorrow (if we get to go home). Everyone have a great New Years and be safe. Let this be a time that you start over and forget the past, a time of healing and renewing your relationship with God.

Lord, I pray that you would take this time to show me how to change my life in this new year. I pray that you would forgive the ways I sinned and went against you this past year. I pray that this new year would be a new start for me (and Scott). I pray that you would do Your will in this cancer. If it be your will please heal it, and if it's not your will to heal it, please use it to change lives (ours and others). Keep us going strong but teach us to rely on you for our strength. Keep our families safe and bring them closer to you. Thank you so much for this chance to start new, but even as we mess up this next year help us to remember that each day is a chance for us to start new. Your mercies are new each and every morning. Thank you for that! I love you! Amen

Krissi

I got a wonderful Christmas present. Well, all my presents were nice, but I got a present that I wasn't expecting. In a sense I got my baby for Christmas like I wanted. I guess I just wasn't specific about the species of baby that I wanted. I got a new puppy. She is half German Shepard and the woman didn't know what the other half was. It is a funny story how we got her. On Christmas Eve my mom and I went to Garden City earlier than the others to get a few last minute gifts. We went to Walmart (which is such a zoo around Christmas). We had to hurry because we had to get to church by 6:00 and it was 5:30 when we got done. Well, my dad called to see where we were and told us he was in the parking lot waiting for us. As we left the doors there was a woman and like 5 children calling out "free puppy." I glanced over and saw the cutest puppy. Jokingly I told mom to tell dad to ask Scott if we could have a puppy. Scott said "no, the cats are enough." Well, dad had to see this really cute puppy, so up to the doors we went. Dad couldn't leave her on Christmas Eve, so he told us to take her anyway and if we really didn't want her they would take her. Well, she finally started growing on Scott and now she is ours. Her name is Krissi (short for Christmas, since I got her on Christmas Eve). Here is a cute picture I just took of her today. I had to show her off.

I think she is just the most adorable thing in the world. She was very scared at first and didn't do much of anything but sleep all the time, but now she has started playing and she loves the cats, they just don't love her. She wants to play and they can't get away fast enough. The woman said that Krissi was used to cats being around and I can see that now. Isn't she just so cute? I think she has an ornery look in her eyes, she's going to be a handful, but it's going to be fun to have her around. I want to train her to do all sorts of tricks, and to be a good dog. She's my Christmas baby!

It's not over till the fat lady sings

Remember the saying, "It's not over till the fat lady sings?" Well, the fat lady sang this past weekend. I'm not pregnant. I know that for a fact....I got a special visitor (ladies you know who I mean). Man, that stinks. Oh, well, the good thing is that I knew when I ovulated. Maybe my body is finally doing what it's supposed to. We are still planning on adopting, so I have that to look forward to. Plus, I've decided that before I get pregnant I would like to lose about 50 pounds. I know I don't have to, but I would like to. They say it makes for a healthier pregnancy, and you can lose the baby weight faster. Plus with me having pre-diabetes, it is just healthier for me to be at a lower weight. If I lose 50 pounds I will barely be in the overweight category, so I'm happy with that, but if for some reason I can lose more than that I would love it. I think the best weight for me would be around 135-145 pounds, but right now I'll settle for 150. Ok, I just realized that I told everyone what I weigh....but good news is that it won't be for long. I started exercising regularly and I keep very close track of what I eat...which helps me cut back on my eating. So if you happen to talk to me you can ask me how it's going with my weight loss. I can use all the encouragement I can get. I'm not a very disciplined person, so I tend to give up easily. Don't let me do that. I've been told that with my PCOS, that if I can lose weight that it can help me get pregnant without drugs, so I'm gonna try it. And if it doesn't work, we still have Clomid to try. And we are going to adopt no matter what (at least 1 or 2 kids). It's so funny, I thought I would be disappointed that I wasn't pregnant, but I keep thinking that now I can lose weight and have a better pregnancy if/when I do get pregnant. It's still kind of hard when I think about those around me getting pregnant, but at least for now I know that God has a plan for Scott and I, and it's a plan bigger than we could ever imagine.

Really quick I want to tell you a story (don't get sad or feel sorry for us....it's just thoughts). But Scott and I were talking the other day (when I still thought I was pregnant) and he said that he gets this feeling that God is going to let us adopt or get pregnant and then take him home. I had that same thought just a few days before he said anything. Now, I don't know that these thoughts will come true, but I thought I would share them with those close to me. I can't get myself to verbalize these thoughts so I can't tell anyone in person, but for some reason it's easier for me to type my thoughts. It could just be the way our minds are thinking....maybe a fear we have deep down. But I've always had this feeling that my time with Scott would be precious, but shorter than I would like it to be. I don't know......I can't say anything for sure....look at how the pregnancy thing turned out. Ok, now that I have that off my chest....I guess the best thing would be to pray about it....which I should have done first.

Lord, I thank you for being here with me. I am so glad that even though I wasn't pregnant that I'm still able to worship you and love you. I pray that you would be with us as we continue to battle this cancer. Be with us on Jan. 4th as we go back to OKC. I pray for the Christmas season, that we would all remember the real reason for celebrating. Keep safe those who are traveling. Thank you so much for the family that I have and that we are so close. I also pray for the thoughts that Scott and I had. I pray that if they aren't from you that you would take them away, and if for some reason they are from you as a preparation for the future, then be with us and comfort us and guide us. Thank you so much for all you've done....for coming down as a baby and then later on dying for our sins and saving us from Hell. You are awesome. I love you!

Am I going to get a miracle?

I am so confused right now. I don't think that God would lie to me about giving me a miracle for Christmas, but maybe I'm looking too hard for a specific miracle. When I started praying for a Christmas miracle, I was thinking about adoption. I thought that maybe God would speed things up and allow us to get a child in our home for Christmas. Well, shortly after that I started having the feeling that God really was going to give me a miracle. Now I don't know if He's giving me the miracle I think I'm getting or if I'm just wishful thinking. Note that I was not even thinking about pregnancy, and all of a sudden I feel pregnant and I'm having symptoms.....and then of all things my dad says something to me that makes me think twice. He teased me about having a "bun in the oven." Ok, he was teasing, but maybe there was something to it. But now I'm starting to doubt myself. I've taken two tests and they've both been BFN (big fat negative). Scott said I just tested too soon (he thinks I am pregnant....or maybe he just doesn't want me to be disappointed). I can't help but think that maybe we are going to be one of those stories of a couple who tried and tried to have a baby and didn't get pg until they started adopting. Ok, wanna know the other weird thing, the due date that I keep coming up with (not a for sure thing) is pretty much to the day of when I miscarried last year. As Scott keeps saying, "That's something God would do." Plus, it's always been my dream to be able to announce I was pg at Christmas. But if God is answering my prayer and I get my Christmas miracle, why are the tests all negative? Is God teaching me patience or is God letting me wait since I wouldn't be able to keep the secret very long anyway? I've been told that I just need to go see the dr so they can do a blood test to see for sure.....but can I handle it if it's really negative? Is it finally my chance or am I making it all up in my mind? I've had two pg women tell me they think I am, but I keep doubting. Have any of you heard Martina McBride's new song "Anyway"? It's a great song and Scott keeps reminding me of the lyrics of the song, but a part of the song talks about dreaming a dream that may never happen, but I'm gonna dream it anyway. The other night I was bummed and doubting and Scott told me to remember that part of the song and just keep dreaming and hoping that I was pregnant. This is the first time ever that Scott has been almost as sure as me that I'm pregnant. He said he has a strong thoughts....but he doesn't know if it's God telling him or if he's just looking at my symptoms and thinking I am. Is it something that he has had these thoughts this time and not any other time? I AM SO CONFUSED!!!!!!!! I get on the internet all the time now not only to chat with people that might be able to give me answers, but to look up some answers myself. And for right now the only thing I've learned is that I know almost everything about looking for signs of pregnancy. I think I'm going insane (at least temporarily) because I think I keep looking for a new website that will say something to the effect of, "Melissa Soodsma, you are finally pregnant!" I know it will never happen that way, but I just can't help but look anyway. I guess I just needed to vent again, but I will keep everyone posted as to how it all turns out.

Exhausted

I'm so exhausted. I thought we might be on the downhill side of the cancer. It seemed like we got such good reports the last two times we were down in OKC. Our Dr. told us that he just wanted a little more tissue scraped off the eyelid, but now we just found out that we get to endure another surgery. The results of the tests run by the pathologists were inconclusive. The tissue was crushed and they thought they found more cancer cells, but they can't be for sure. But now they are worried about how to get this other tissue. If they don't get enough of it the first time it could spread very fast (it tends to do that if you disrupt it), but they're not sure how much they need to take. I feel so tired of all this. I can sleep at night, take naps, rest during the day, anything, and I still feel exhausted. It has just taken so much out of me, out of both of us. I knew that cancer was hard, but I guess I didn't understand how hard it is....and how long and drawn out it can be. That's the tiring part....it's not like the flu; you don't just get sick, and then get over it. You fight and fight and fight, and hope that you've done enough. I guess I just need to vent. I so thought we were on the downhill slope. I thought we were going to be done and be able to get on with adopting (we aren't going to quit, though) but I just don't know if it's the right time yet to bring a child into our home. I want it to be a stable environment, not traveling to a daddy's cancer appointments. I guess God will decide that for us. He'll give us our children when He sees fit. I guess if we have to wait, we will. I won't push it and force Him to give us kids too early (not that I could anyway). It may still be kind of hard if we have to wait longer, but if I've gone this long what's a little longer right? Ok, I'm so tired and I don't feel like making this a long sermon-like blog today.

Lord, I just pray for us right now. Give us the strength to go on. We know that we can do all things with You and right now we are depending on you to go on. We can't do it without you. I pray for healing in Scott's eye. I pray that the Dr's would know what to do and how to do it. Give them wisdom in all of this. Work through their hands. Thank you for all you have blessed us with and thank you for providing through the cancer. You have given us more than we could ever have imagined. Thank you again. I love you!

Thanks!

I have to say a public thank you. I have a wonderful friend who just happens to be my sister (in-law). I was down and out and she brought to my attention that I was wrong in my thinking. She loves me enough to be honest with me, yet do it in a kind and gentle way. I can't wait to see how she is with the baby, because I know she will make the bestest mommy in the whole world. I miss her so much and I wish that she lived closer to us, but I would never wish her to be anywhere than where she is, because she is happily married (to my wonderful brother) and having a great time in Topeka. I've realized that family is so important. You can't shut them out just because you feel a certain way. They won't know how you are feeling unless you let them know. It's all about communication. Whether it's your spouse or a mom or dad or sister or brother. You can't keep it all bottled inside. Not only is it good for them (family) to know, but it's good so you don't keep it to yourself and suffer more than you have to. I guess I still have a lot to learn when it comes to living life. It's so hard....but then again, God never promised us it would be easy. I have to remember that God has a plan for my life and it is a good and wonderful plan. It's better than I could ever imagine, even if it's different than what I think it should be. I should be remembering this verse:

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Jeremiah 29:11

It goes on from there and says some more wonderful things, but even if I just remember that part of the scripture it's a great promise for me.....for everyone. Because God doesn't just have plans for me, but for everyone. He never makes mistakes, His will is perfect as long as we follow Him. Now I'm not saying I won't have days that I forget this. I know I will have times that I want my will over His will, but I hope that He reminds me that it is better His way. The view He has is like the view from an airplane...He can see everything in front of us, but our view is from a dashboard perspective....all we see is what is right there, we can't see what's coming up. We need to trust the one who see's it all.

Another verse that I just thought of is Psalm 37:4. It says:

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

I used to think that it meant that you would get what you wanted if you made God happy (almost like doing favors for each other). Scott and I had a discussion (many discussions) about this verse. He did his research and found out that the phrase "delight yourself in the Lord" means something different than we think. It means that we need to make ourselves soft and pliable to God.....like soft clay. Open yourself up to His will and you will get the desires of your heart, because the desires of your heart become God's desires for you. Does that make sense? It didn't to me at first. But I think I get it. Now, I know that doesn't mean that God doesn't like blessing us with things we want or we enjoy. He's like any other father with his children, He has a soft spot for us and likes to bless us. Ok, this turned out to be almost a sermon. I'm sorry about that. I started and I just couldn't stop. Maybe this was God's way of letting me speak to someone who needed it. So if this spoke to you give God the thanks because it was Him who used my fingers to type it.

Lord, Thank you for family, thank you for friends, thank you that we have each other to help us through tough times. Remind me that I can be open and honest with them. I thank you for the blessings that you have given to me so far in my life and I also thank you for the miracles that you have done in my life. I said before that you don't give me miracles, but you do. The first one was actually giving me life, and since then, there have been too many to mention on this blog. I pray for health and safety for Matt and Tanna's baby. Help Tanna with her gallbladder troubles and help the rest of the pregnancy to go well. Help calm her fears as the time draws near for the baby to be born (March/April). Thank you again. I love you!

Christmas Miracles

I love the Hallmark channel. I love the movies that they have on during the Christmas season. Each one seems to have a great story about Christmas angels or Christmas Miracles. I'm not sure how theologically correct each movie is about their theories of angels and miracles, but I do believe in both. I watched a couple of great movies tonight. (we are leaving for OKC again, but we're leaving at 1:00 in the morning....in about an hour from when I'm writing this) The whole time I was watching the movies I kept thinking about the movie Facing the Giants. Nothing is impossible with God.....I truly believe that. I don't know if it is the movies I've been watching or if it's really a true feeling, but I just keep getting the feeling that God is going to do a work in my life. I don't have any idea how or when, I just feel like He is going to do something awesome. Ok, He's already done some wonderful things in my life, but I just feel like there's something else coming. It's the same type of feeling that I got at the beginning of the year. I told Scott then that we had to prepare for something. I wasn't sure what it was, but I just knew that we needed to spend a lot of time with God in preparation....and then just months later the cancer showed up. I feel that God was preparing us for that even then. And now I just can't help but think that God is doing the same thing....but this time I feel like we are going to witness some kind of miracle. I don't know. I could be wrong....but it's so exciting to think about. I get this excited feeling....and I just can't help but think that God is sitting there with a smile on His face saying "Just wait and see what's going to happen...it's going to be great!" I've got theories of what I would like it to be, but I can't say it will be any of those. There's music, there's the baby thing, there's Scott's cancer, or it could be something totally different. I know when I talked about Christmas in an earlier post, I described how Christmas made me feel......and I can't help but think that it's the time for miracles. You hear stories all the time about Christmas miracles happening and if you're like me you wish they could happen to you. What if this year I get to be the one sharing the story....just what if... But then I think about this....how many miracles happen to us that we just pass off as coincidence or just an everyday occurance. Maybe we need to be paying more attention to what God's doing in our lives.

Ok, anyway I'm rambling again. I tend to do that, as you probably have noticed by now if you've read my blogs. It's funny, I was talking to my sister, Michaela, about the adoption stuff one day and I told her that God could do anything and that we needed to pray for a Christmas miracle. I said we should put our faith in Him because He can do anything. I think my msn messenger name for awhile was "let's pray for a Christmas miracle." God does some amazing things and I can't wait to see what He does this time. I'll for sure be posting anything that happens. Because if I get my Christmas miracle that I've been praying for (no matter what it is) I want to share it with everyone. So let's all go out on faith and pray for a Christmas miracle!

Lord, I just want to praise Your name. You are awesome and nothing is impossible with you. You can still perform miracles today and I just pray that when it happens to us that we will recognize it for what it is. I pray that I keep in mind that it could be anything. It may not be what I'm thinking. Thank you for everything you have already given to us...family, friends, our health, food, a house, a car, and the list could go on and on. Keep us safe as we travel yet tonight and then right after the appointment. Help us to stay awake when we need to and to rest when we need to. Again, thank you so much for everything. I love You!!!

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!! I hope we are all remembering what the season is about and making sure we give thanks for everything we have. This is my favorite time of year (the time from Thanksgiving to Christmas). It seems like such a magical time of year. I love being with family on Thanksgiving and then going right into decorating for Christmas. I love the feeling that comes from hearing Christmas Carols on the radio. I love going shopping (of course) and picking out the perfect gift for everyone on the list. The anticipation of seeing their faces as they open the gift (that you hope they like). I even like the idea of Santa Claus. Ok, I'm 24 and I don't believe in Santa anymore, but I still think that the idea of him is just so magical. Sometimes I wish I wasn't too old to believe in him. And I can't wait until we have kids in our house. I think the Santa thing will be so much fun to do with them. Don't worry, they will still learn about the true meaning of Christmas. I think we just have to find the perfect balance for things.

Ok, I started out talking about Thanksgiving and I really got ahead of myself. I didn't think I was ready for Christmas to be here, but I guess I'm more excited than I thought. I could go on even more, but I will spare you all the boring details about every little thing I love about Christmas.

But I might bore you with some more about our adoption....sort of. We thought of some different ways to decorate the bedroom. I still like the idea of Winnie the Pooh (if it's a girl) but I came up with an even better idea if we get a boy. In fact I'm praying that we can get a little boy about 2 or 3 years old. But my new favorite movie is "Cars" (you know the Disney movie) and I decided that it would be so much fun to do a room in "Cars." I even looked on the internet and found some of the cutest things to put in the room (furniture, decorations, etc.). And my favorite part of the room will be the border that I put up. Michaela helped me come up with part of it and then I added to it. But I would paint a black road (somewhere below the middle of the wall) and of course put the yellow lines on it to make lanes, but then I will get some black velcro and put it up all along the road in both lanes. Then take the other part of the velcro and put it on the underneath side of some toy cars. Then he can play cars on the wall. I thought that would be so much fun. Ok, I'm a little excited, but I guess I keep thinking of this time as a pregnant woman does. I'm "expecting" and this is my time to get things all ready before the child gets here. The only difference with this is we don't know how long we have to wait (could be less than 9 months or could be more). I even joke with some people that my "hormones" are "acting up." I seem to be crying at the drop of a hat these days. Maybe that's God's way of letting me experience some of the pregnancy symptoms....I don't know.

But anyway.......Happy Thanksgiving to ya'll!!!!

Lord, I just thank you for the holiday season. Help us to remember the reason for the holidays. Let us be thankful for everything you have given to us and done for us. And let us remember the real meaning of Christmas. Even through all the craziness of the holidays, let us keep the true reason in our minds. Lord, I thank you so much for the calling you have on our life right now. Thank you that You have allowed us the privelage of adopting (eventually). Help us to be patient and wait for Your timing of everything. Thank you! I love You!

Facing the Giants

I don't know how many of you have seen the new movie "Facing the Giants" but if you haven't seen it you just have to. Scott and I went to see it today. Those of you who may have seen it, you will really understand what I'm about to say and those of you who haven't seen it, well, just make sure you see it ASAP.
Scott and I had a "date" day today. We went to Dodge City and spent the whole day having fun. We went to a model train show, I got a full body massage (I recommend it to anyone), and then went to the movie. I know I've talked a lot about us adopting and how God has really spoken that to us this week, but the movie just drove the point home. I went to the movie expecting the kind of movie that Scott loves, where the losing team comes back and becomes the winning team. I was right it was that, but it was so much more. Of course it's about a football team and their struggles, but the coach and his wife have a struggle of their own.....yes, you may have guessed it....they can't have a baby and that's all they really want. I wanted to jump into the movie and hug the wife when her husband came home from work one day and saw her pregnancy test box. When he asked her about it she said something that is all too familiar to me. "I want it so bad that my body starts playing tricks on me." Those of you who know me well, know that I tend to do that. I take every sign and analyze it. Well, they find out in the movie that they can't have a baby at all and, like any couple, they are devastated. I know that feeling too. But throughout the whole movie the message was the same, "Nothing is impossible with God." I won't share anything more about the details of this movie because I don't want to ruin it for anyone, but I will say that God spoke to me a lot during the movie. At one point I felt that He was sitting next to me and whispering in my ear, "just watch me, watch what I can do. You won't believe what I'm going to do." There are very few movies that make me start crying in the beginning and make me continue to cry for the rest of the movie. Actually, I didn't just cry until the end the movie, I was still crying over it when we got to Cimmaron (about a half hour after the movie was over). I felt like I spent the entire movie either praising God for what he's done for us and giving Him thanks, or repenting for my lack of faith. God has such big plans for us that we can't even imagine. I'm already overwhelmed about what He's going to do. I could go on and on about this movie and they way it spoke to me, but then I would give away the whole movie. If you get a chance to see it I know you will understand some of the ways it spoke to us. And I bet that it will speak to you in ways that you can't even imagine.

Lord, I am so sorry for my lack of faith. I want to be like the farmer who prayed for rain and then went out and worked his field to get ready for the rain. I've been the other farmer (who just sat and waited for rain) for way too long. I know you have huge plans for us. Plans bigger than anything we could ever imagine. I know they will be great. I also want to thank you for all that you have done. You have provided for us during the cancer and you continue to do so. Thank you so much. You are an awesome God and You are always there for us. Nothing is impossible with You. I pray that you would help us face our giants and defeat them. Thank you so much. I love you!

My biggest fear

Family Life Today and Focus on the Family were both airing shows about adoption all week. I was so excited, it seemed like it was all I could talk about. I still feel like God's calling us to adopt, but I guess I'm feeling discouraged. I heard on those shows this week some adopted mom's feelings and most of them said their biggest fear was not loving that child as much as a birth child. I don't really have that fear because I don't know what it's like to love a birth child. My biggest fear is that we'll get this child or children home with us and our families won't love them as much as the "birth" children in the family. Am I crazy? I just want to cry because I'm so scared of this. What if the grandparents don't want to aknowledge that our adopted children are their grandchildren? Will they want to spoil our adopted children like the other grandchildren? What do you tell a child that's treated different if it happens? I feel like someone just popped my balloon full of excitement and happiness. Scott says I need to talk to our families and let them know how I'm feeling, but what if the answer is what I fear the most? What if they tell me that the child won't really be their grandchild? I know, those are a bunch of what-ifs, but it scares me so bad. I don't want the other grandchildren ignored, but I pray and hope that our children aren't ignored. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who gets excited about adopting (besides Scott...he gets excited). I want to just shout it to everybody that we're adopting, but I don't feel like I can since Matt and Tanna are having their baby. I guess it's probably not right to butt in on their joy and excitement (and everyone else's). I've often wondered if maybe we should just start keeping quiet about this and then after we get our children just quietly let family know that we have them, but not make a big deal out of it. Maybe that would be the best thing to do. The more I think about it the more I'm sure that's the way we need to do it. A birth is so much more exciting than an adoption, even I know that. It's not anyone's fault, it's just the way it is. I'm even so excited for Matt and Tanna. It's my first "real" niece!

We are still adopting, just don't worry if I don't shout it from the rooftops anymore.

God's Calling

I was listening to Focus on the Family today. Guess what, it was about adoption. They had guests on the show that had something to do with adoption, people who had adopted children, and some who were adopted. It was very interesting to listen to. But I really felt God speaking to me while I was listening. Scott noticed, but I didn't say anything about what I was thinking. God is calling us to adopt. I can't say He won't ever give us our own, but we are supposed to adopt. We need to get off our butts and get moving again. We are almost ready to adopt (just some more paperwork) but with the cancer we held off for a little while. Well, it's time to get moving again. There are children out there who need a mommy and daddy and we can be that for them. Sometimes I hate to admit these things, because it seems like satan likes to try and bring up the jealousy issue even more after I admit that God has called us to adopt. I guess it's going to take a lot of prayer to keep the jealousy away. But at least I can say without a doubt tonight that God has called us to adopt and I plan to do just that.

Lord, Thank you so much for the promise that we will have children. Help me to not be disapointed that I may not ever get pregnant. Help me realize that once the children are in my arms it will seem as if I had them myself. Help keep us patient as we wait for the children you have for us. I thank you so much for all you have done for us. I love you!

Test Results

We went to the Dr. today. I feel like we aren't any further than we were yesterday. The tests from Scotts eye were for sure cancer, but the growth from his eyelid is still being tested, which means we don't know for sure whether it was cancer or not. He said it looked suspicious, but that is all we know. We go back to OKC in 3 weeks to find out for sure. But we were also told that they may have to do a minor surgery and take out some more from his eyelid. Will this never end? We are getting so frustrated and tired of all the traveling and the appointments. We just want it to all go away. Maybe if it would just go away we could focus on having the family that we want. Ok, I need to breathe. I need to remember the ways that God has worked through this. He has done some wonderful things (big and small). Through it, He has started to heal me a little more and even break my hard heart. He has also taken care of us better than we could ever have imagined. He has sent people to take care of us and blessed us with the finances to travel and pay the bills. What an awesome God we have. I have to tell the story that happend on Wednesday when we were getting ready to leave for OKC. I was getting some snacks and filling the car up with gas. When I went to pay for both things (at seperate stores) I was told that I was not allowed to pay for any of it, it had been taken care of already. I couldn't believe it. When Scott came home I tried to tell him and I broke down and started crying. I realized that I could not be mad at God anymore. (I have been getting mad at Him for not giving us a child). After seeing what He's done for us I just couldn't feel that way about Him anymore. It was quite an awakening. I was so shocked at one of the stores that I almost forgot to say thank you. Again, what an AWESOME God we have.

Ok, one more thing (kind of off the subject a little) but I was given some more scripture that is very encouraging to me. I just have to share it. My friend Stephanie showed it to me when we were staying the night at their house last night. It's Isaiah 54:1-3

"Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband, says the Lord. Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords; strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will disposses nations and settle in their desolate cities."

Ok, I'll admit some of it is weird, but I just really felt a peace when I heard these verses. Especially the part about singing. Those who know me, know how much I love to sing. Steph (my friend) told me that we had better be prepared because she felt that God was going to overfill our house with children. I hope she's right. Well, maybe in a way. I still only want 3 at the most.

Lord, thank you for all you've done for us. You are so awesome and we just can't say thank you enough. We pray for continued healing for Scott's eye. We also pray that your will be done with having children. We feel that you want us to be parents, but we just don't know how yet. Help us be prepared for whatever you have in store for us. Again, thank you so much. I love you!

Adoption

I've been thinking today (which means it was a good day), will I really be able to love a child that I've adopted as much as a child I give birth to? Am I really ok with adopting instead of having our own children? And for now the answer to these questions is YES!!! For some reason I feel this stirring in my heart that somewhere out there (whether they have been born or not) that our children are out there. God has them picked out already. I know I've had people tell me that before, but I guess sometimes a person has to find things out on their own. My mom told me once that it takes a special person to adopt and love a child that is not your own, and that I am one of those special ones (and Scott too). I can't explain it, but I just feel this love in my heart, I feel like it could just burst because it's so filled with love.
I was also told once that when you hold that child in your arms that you adopted you don't think about not being able to have your own, because that little one is your own. That's one thing I've struggled with. I have always wanted to know what it feels like to be pregnant. To feel movement and know that a little one is growing inside of me. I'm not saying that it will never happen, but I feel a peace about it that I can't explain even if I never get to experience it. It's like I am already getting a taste of what it will feel like to hold that child in my arms. God is so good and I know that He does have a plan for us and that it will somehow include children. I can't wait to see how it happens and who they will be. I'm not saying that I won't have my days that I feel sad or even jealous, but I hope that I can cling to my verses that God gave to me and remember His promises.

Lord, Thank you so much for the peace you have given to me. I know scripture talks about the peace that passes all understanding, and I guess that is what I'm experiencing now. I pray for our children that wherever they are now, whether born or not, that you would keep them safe and let them know that they have a mommy and daddy that will love them forever and will be waiting for them. Help us to be patient while waiting for them (since you are in the middle of teaching us patience). Be with Scott and I as we travel back to Oklahoma City tomorrow and find out some more test results. Thank you for all the blessings you have given to us.

Quite a year

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last posted. I guess I've had a lot going on and not much time to get on the computer. I barely have time to check my e-mail.
Well, my husband and I still don't have a baby. We can see now why God hasn't given us one, but it's still so hard. In April, cancer was found in my husband's eye and we've been doing treatments and surgeries since then, 4 rounds of chemo drops and 3 surgeries. It was thought to have been cleared up in May, after the first 2 surgeries, but 6 weeks later it showed up again. But the second time the Dr. sent us to Oklahoma City to see someone who has worked with this type of cancer. That was when we did the chemo drops. He had another surgery October 20th and right now we are waiting on some more biopsy reports, but we'll find out about them on Thursday of this week (9th). We're hoping that maybe we won't have to go back to Oklahoma City as often as we have been (every two weeks). It's just a pain to drive there every two weeks (it's 6 hours from here to OKC).
Even through all that, we would still love to have a baby. Sometimes I get so discouraged. I've even been mad at God a little bit for not giving me what I want (how selfish.....what a spoiled brat I am). It seems like every time I turn around someone else I know is having a baby. My brother just got married this summer (2 months after graduating from high school) now he and his wife are having a baby in April. Last year at this time my best friend was pregnant and so was another of my sis-in-laws. My friend had her baby this past March and my sis-in-law had hers in April (hard month, I was due in April). Now it's like dejavou (sp?).
God has given me a couple of verses to hold on to while I wait for His perfect timing on a baby.

"He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children"
Psalm 113:9

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28

I hope these verses speak to you in some way. Even if you aren't going through what we are going through. Remember God loves you! (I even have to remind myself)

Lord, I pray that your will be done in our situation. Help me be content where you have us at now. I pray that I can be an encouragement to others going through rough times. Thank you so much for the blessings that you have given to us. Give us strength to go on when we would like to give up. And Lord, I would like to ask for healing in Scott's eye. Please get rid of all the cancer and keep it from coming back. Thank you so much.