New Blog up and running

My new blog is now up and running. I will be adding stuff to it as the Christmas break progresses, but it is at least going. It is:

http://www.beauty-gladness-praise.blogspot.com/

If you are struggling with the loss of a baby or child (miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth, or any other way) please visit it. I will be sharing my story and my struggles along the way, and what I am learning (or have learned). I will keep this blog for family and personal stuff (venting, sharing news, etc.) so don't panic. The other one is strictly for my ministry.

Love you all and have a very Merry Christmas.

New Blog

Ok, I have not gotten it done yet (working with my sis-in-law over Christmas break), but I am starting a new blog. I've had it in my heart to minister to women who have lost a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or as an infant. So I am going to create a blog for that purpose. I will share my story, my struggles, and have opportunities for other women to contact me and we can talk about it. I am way out of my comfort zone on this, but that's how I know it's God and not me wanting to get this started. I just know the hard times I've had with my miscarriages and not being able to have a baby, and I want to use it to help others. I will have a link through this blog to get to it. I'm so excited to be doing this...but so nervous. I just pray that God will use me to the fullest. When the blog is up and running I will post on here and anyone who is interested can check it out. And hey, spread the news when I get it up....if you know anyone who has lost a child in this way, let them know that they can visit my blog and get inspiration through music, testimony, and just plain old encouragement. I will try to do a better job on here to keep people updated on our family as well. I just need to manage my time more wisely and get it done. Anyway, I better go. I will try and post more. God Bless you all...and have a very Merry Christmas.

Grandpa

Ok, another time of the year that's rough....so what do I do, I blog about it. Tomorrow marks two years since the day my Grandpa Pollock passed away. I did really well last year around this time....I mean I thought about him and what had happened and I did my grieving, but this year seems to be worse than last year. It started on Saturday night (the middle of me being sick) that I had a crazy dream that I just can't seem to shake. I dreamed that I was at my Grandpa's farm (that has since been sold) with the rest of the family, and I mean the whole family...cousins, aunts, uncles, everyone. We were all sitting around the dining room and kitchen and my Grandpa was sitting next to the fridge and I was on a chair in front of him by his feet. It was as if he and I were the only ones in the room, but yet it was a full house. He got up and started walking towards the front door. I followed because I was determined I wanted to go wherever he went. He went outside to a pick-up and got inside. I tried to get inside and he told me I couldn't go with him. So I stepped back and he drove off. So I went into the garage and started going from vehicle to vehicle trying to "fix" them (I thought there was something wrong with some of them). But I couldn't figure it out, so I just sat in a van that was supposed to be my Grandma's. And that was the dream. Very weird....and ever since the I've had a very hard time with my Grandpa. Maybe I'm making too much out of nothing, but it was just so real and to be sitting with him again and then he just left....again. It was the same kind of raw hurt all over again. Don't get me wrong I know where he is, and deep down I would never wish him back. He's with his Savior. He's not suffering anymore and he never will. And I will see him someday. I guess maybe I'm not grieving for him so much as for me. For me that I have to wait to see him when I miss him so much. For my daughter who won't ever meet him this side of Heaven....and me knowing that she missed meeting a great man. That's what I grieve I think. And I also know that he's up there with grandchildren on his knee (the ones I've never met) and that comforts me. And knowing that I still have a husband because my Grandpa chose to take my husbands cancer upon himself. A gift that I hope to never take for granted. And this is why I blog, because when it's done right I feel better when I've shared my heart. You know one other thing that has come from all this is that I question how I should live my life....so that in the end when they are having my funeral, they are saying things about me that mirror what they said about my Grandpa and the wonderful faith he had.

I love you, Grandpa. I will see you again, and when I do I will give you a great big hug and thank you for all you did for me and all the ways you showed me love.

Cowboy Church

I went and did a cowboy church service in Scott City on Sunday. It was so awesome. God had me go way out of my comfort zone. I actually did as much (if not more) talking than I did singing. My little program was 25 minutes long and I only did 4 songs and ended with a short hymn. The rest was sharing my testimony and what God has been teaching me. I pretty much took most of it from my last post. I added a little more, but the idea was the same. And as much as people told me they loved to hear this message, I got so much out of it. I learned that it's not so bad to share your heart with other people. It's a way of healing. I would never have guessed it would almost minister to me more than them. The thing is, it's a message that anyone can hear. We all go through trials, so that part they could all relate to. And sharing my own trials showed them that it's ok to grieve, to cry, to wonder what God is really doing in it all. Just as long as we are still clinging to the hope that God has a perfect plan for us. I hope I could show them that I'm just human and God is teaching me so much. I'm learning to rely on Him for my strength and the will to go on. It's ok to be sad and miss what I don't have with me, as long as I don't focus solely on what I'm missing. Because I have great things in my life, even in the midst of my loss. I really do just pray that I would have strong faith. I want to be like Scott when he went thru his eye cancer and we all could see his un-wavering faith. I want that kind of faith. I want un-wavering faith.

*p.s. In case any of you are wondering, yes, I deleted some of my posts from this summer.

I've been doing an exercise with myself in the past week. And it seems to be working. It doesn't make life perfect, but it is helping my attitude and helping me be content. When I wake up in the morning I tell myself (when I'm actually awake enough to think) "Melissa, God has blessed you beyond what you deserve. You have an awesome husband and daughter and right now that's enough for you." And then continually during the day I thank God for all that He has done for me. I still have moments when I desire a baby so bad my arms ache, but the ache seems better when I count the blessings I have. I have also been praying that God would use us to be a home for children that need a family to call their own. Children that aren't wanted by their parents or even abused by them. I'm to the point that I want to adopt so bad. I would still love to be pregnant and experience that, but it's not about the here and now. I need to look down the road at changed lives because I sacrificed that part of me to change others. It's time that I quit being selfish and give of myself. It's not about me and my wants. It's about living in God's plan and touching lives for Him. But, boy, do I still have a lot to learn. I was watching a video on a blog that I follow and it showed me that I have so far to go in my faith. I desire faith like I saw in the video (even though this family lost a baby). Their faith was shining through thier grief. Now, I know this is a dangerous think to ask for. Why?? Because faith like that does not come easy. It comes through trials and perseverence. I pretty much prayed that God would keep the trials coming. Ok, I am a little crazy....but like I said it's not about the here and now or even being comfy. I also refuse to waste my life wanting things I may never have and miss out on the things that I do have. That's not fair to me or those who are blessings to me. I am still clinging to the hymn I mentioned in my previous post...."I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back."

God, I have not been using this blog for your Glory. I've used it to have a pity party. God forgive me. Please use me. Use this blog to touch others...that's the reason I started it in the first place. Be with those who read it and touch them in ways that they need a touch from you. Like I've been praying, help me realize the blessings that I have in my life and thank you for all of them. I love You and I will serve You all my days. In Your Name, Amen.

What God is teaching me

I have had a rough time lately. I'll admit it. And yes, I'll also admit that I'm not the only one with tough things in life (some are even worse than my situation), but can I also say that I do get selfish and all I can see is my problems. I'm working on that, I really am. Actually God has been pounding some things into my head lately (well, not quite pounding...just showing). It seems that everywhere I look God keeps telling me that it's not about what happens to you...it's about a commitment to follow Him no matter what. Thru good times and bad times. It's about trusting Him and His will in all situations. Even when you don't understand anything that's going on. I've read a book (twice...and listening to it on cd now in Sunday School), and I've watched a movie, and I have even heard a sermon that have all stated this same thing. The book is called "The Shack" the movie is called "Though None Go With Me" and the sermon was by our pastor today at church. You'd think that after all of that I would finally understand. Well, I'm not sure I understand completely, but I have decided to do what an old hymn says (from the movie I watched) :

"Though none go with me still I will follow
No turning back, no turning back"

It's a hymn called "I have decided to follow Jesus." It's making me realize now that I don't know that I completely had decided to follow Jesus. I had asked Him into my heart, but I was only willing to follow if things went my way. It's not any easier and in fact it is a hard decision. But in the end it's all worth it. I just pray that I can keep this commitment no matter what. I am still grieving, in fact I had a bad day today. But I will follow even in the midst of my pain.

Good-Bye again

I had told a few people who read this that I had gotten a faint positive on a pg test. Then the second day I got one that was even more faint...but still there. Then the 3rd day I got a completely negative test. I wondered if I had lost my mind or was seeing lines that weren't there. But Monday brought about something that I'm not ready to again......this was the 5th time and I honestly can't do it anymore. The first and second tests were right.....I was pg. Yes, that's right I say was. Monday my 5th little angel went home to be with Jesus. What's really strange about this one is that now that it's all over I'm having pg symptoms. Sore chest, getting nauseous a little, and I'm so very tired. I am pretty sure it's a few left over pg hormones, just not enough to trigger a test. Scott has been awesome again......he's learning that just because he didn't see any kind of physical evidence that I was pg, I still hurt over this. It's really hard becuase I don't think there are any more options that I'm willing to take at this time. I don't know that I can mentally handle this again. The roller coaster of waiting and waiting, then seeing a faint line just to lose the baby a couple days later. I am just pretty sure that my first instinct is right. I'm just not meant to have a baby from my womb. I am going to start praying hard that God will grant us a baby through adoption...that He will provide the funds that are needed and that it go smoothly and not be another roller coaster as trying for our own has been. I'm doing okay right now. I went through denial for the first 2 days, then I went through my anger (big time), and now I'm into a little bit of the depressed and no energy stage. But I will make it through. I will be just fine. Even though it's hard for me to do right now, I have to let myself grieve. I guess I get scared because I keep thinking that if I start crying I might not be able to stop. But one of these days I will get it done. Oh, and I came up with another name today. I told myself all week that I was not going to pick a name because that made it more real. But that was the denial working. Like before I don't know the sex, but sometimes I feel that God allows me an insight to whether it is a boy or girl. So this morning I decided that the name Hannah Elizabeth was a very pretty name. I didn't look up the meaning, but they are both names from the Bible. And Hannah was one who begged God for a child (Samuel) and then she gave him completely over to God. I am in her position right now. But I'm realizing that I have a child and I'm giving her over completely to God. Martie is so precious and needs me. I am content to have her and I will choose that everyday. Ok, gotta go. Since my internet is not working at home I might not be on for a little while, but I will try to check facebook, e-mail, and here at some point. Your prayers are coveted and appreciated. God bless you and keep you.

Bi-polar Treatment

I started a new bi-polar treatment (amidst all that's going on this week). It's an all-natural treatment that has vitamins and herbs in it. I started it on Monday and we've been monitoring me really close to see what it has done. I think it's working. Unless it's just my mind thinking that it's working. But my thoughts haven't been racing as much and when I do have energy it's not an over-abundance, and when things have gotten me down I don't get "down" like I have been known to do. I know it's only the first week, an it will take a few weeks to really know for sure if it's working or not, but the results so far are promising. I just had to share this little bit of news because I had said that I would do that earlier in my blog.

And tomorrow is the "big" day and I'm so excited. Not that Martie doesn't feel like my daughter already, but it's legal and official tomorrow. Her birth certificate will be changed to our names and everything. It makes it so much more real. We've noticed that since we've been getting closer to finalization day, she's been opening up more and more (which I thought maybe she would do). She's shared more about her past than she ever has and has been talking to us about her social life and trusting us more with thing around her. I know it's because she can really know that we are not leaving her now. This whole time she's known that we could change our minds at any time (not that we would have) but to her, our word meant nothing. She's used to being "thrown away" and it's foreign to her that someone would stick around. And now here it is and we have chosen her and we are keeping her. She's coming around and it's so good to finally see her heart coming out. She's such a precious girl. Anyway...I am going to end this post like I used to end my posts and I haven't done it in awhile.

Lord, I just thank you for today. I thank you for family and friends. I pray that you would be with each of them. God I give my daughter to you, she's Yours long before she's ours and I pray that even though we will make many mistakes (and already have) that Your will, will be done in her life. She has such a good heart and so much love and compassion. I pray that You would grow her and use that for Your good. Draw her close to You, help heal her past hurts and like you did with my past, allow good to come from all of it eventually. Lord, I just thank you for what you do in our lives. I don't thank you enough or acknowledge what you do. I take for granted the everyday things. I pray, Lord, that my blog would be used to Your glory and that lives could be touched by it in some way. Thank you for this opportunity to share my heart. In Your name, Amen.

Dr Appt.

Ok, I went to my appt today. I was open to hearing bad news if I needed to hear it. And the dr did an exam and I go in for a sonogram in three weeks (to make sure things look ok inside), but I was shocked at what she told me and what our next course of action is. I am now officially on progesterone pills and for the next three months Scott and I will officially be "trying" really hard for a baby. Yes, I'm on Clomid...the med that will make me ovulate. I don't know if the dr is looking at the future and seeing that I need to do all that I can now, but she was the one who brought up clomid and all that today. I was just like, whoa, I can't believe that I went in to the dr's office thinking the worst and it came out like this. Now, this doesn't mean that the meds will for sure work, but I'm willing to try them if the dr thinks they are worth trying. The progesterone pills are to help me have enough progesterone to keep a pregnancy and of course the others are to help me get pg. I'm excited to be trying again, but I'm scared too. I don't want to get my hopes up, but at the same time I want to remember that God can do anything. We are not telling Martie at this time, because she wants a little brother or sister so bad that she will get her hopes up and then will be crushed if nothing happens. I don't know if I should even be blogging about this, maybe I'm jinxing myself...but then again....I shouldn't even be believing in superstitions. God is bigger than that. God works in His own way and above superstitions and luck. Anyway, I guess we'll see how the summer goes and what happens. Trust me, I'll be sharing fears and doubts along the way...and if anything happens the blog will be one of the first places I'll go (after announcing it to family and friends of course). Keep praying....but pray that God's will is done in the situation. God bless.

Also this week

• I do have one major prayer request for me (and maybe I'm just venting my fears). But I have a dr. appt. this coming wednesday with my "woman" dr. I'm nervous and afraid of what is coming. I have not shared this with anyone but my family and my husband, but I don't think my body is doing some very good things. I've been having some bad symptoms in the past couple months and while it could be other things, these symptoms can be linked to cervical/ovarian/uterine cancer. With all the problems I've had I do have an increased risk of these cancers, so I've always had my alert higher and looking for these signs. They are uncomfortable and they do interfere with my normal, everyday life. I can see the dr wanting to for sure do another D&C, but I'm afraid that it's getting so bad that she's going to suggest a hysterectomy soon (maybe not this summer, but in a couple years). While I would give up these parts to keep from suffering from cancer, it is very hard on me because if I have a hysterectomy my chances of having a baby becomes zero, zippo, nothing. This will be hard for me. I will get through it, but it will take some grieving. I might just grieve as if I lost another baby. Ok, now I'm talking as if this will for sure happen. I need to not do that. But I do need to know that it could be a reality very shortly. I know earlier I posted about having "God-feelings" and feeling like a person knew that something was going to happen. Well, I've had this funny feeling about me and my woman stuff and that I will be losing all those parts within the next few years. I hope that my feeling is wrong this time, but it is the same feeling that I had before Scott and I found out about his eye cancer. It was like God was preparing us for it. Well, sometimes I feel like God might be preparing me for this. I just hope that I can get past whatever happens on Wednesday. Scott is going with me, but I'm still nervous. I don't know what all the dr can do on that day, it will probably take more dr appts, but at least this is a start. Just pray for me that I will have the peace of God between now and then and during the appt.

May 8th

Wow! It's finally the week of our finalization. We finalize this coming Friday (May 8th). I'm so excited. Martaysha will finally become a Soodsma. And then we celebrate it the week after when she has her graduation party. This is so cool. As tough as it can be (as it can be with any child) it's also very rewarding and fulfilling to be a mom. I just know this is what I am supposed to be doing. I was created to be a mom. Even if I was created to do nothing else, I at least know that I was made to be a mom. And just in time for Mother's Day. When we were finding out about our finalization and they were telling us it would take 4-6 weeks to get into court (which would have made it the end of May) I just started praying. I wanted to be very selfish in my praying but I first told God that I knew His timing was best and that since we had waited this many months anyway, then I could wait a few more weeks. But then I was real with Him and I told Him that deep down I would love it if we could get into court earlier than the 4-6 weeks. I even added that He could give it to me for Mothers Day and I would gladly have that as a graduation present over anything else I could get. And He did it! I have to be honest I'm used to God having me learn patience or waiting on His timing, but this time I must have passed the test, because my prayer was answered. Ok, I know my prayers are always answered and that sometimes it's a no instead of a yes, but sometimes the no feels like it wasn't answered. Anyway, this ended up being a very long explanation for sharing that we are finalizing. I will keep you all posted. Thanks for all the prayers.

p.s. by the way I should have more time to blog and keep people posted because I resigned from my job. I feel that I need to have more time to be a good wife and mother and not pulled in so many directions. I'm going to substitute teach so that I'm getting out of the house enough, but can say no when I need to be somewhere for Martie or have something that needs my attention.

New Treatment

Oh, I also wanted to share that I think we are going to put-off doing the all natural fertility stuff and we are going to do an all-natural treatment for my bipolar.  I'm just leary about trying drugs right away, but I will do it if I have to, I just want to try herbs and vitamins if I can.  Anyway, I just thought I should share that too since I have been sharing my thoughts and things about my bopolar.  

"God" feelings

Has anyone ever experience gut feelings that have been from God?  I seem to experience those sometimes and very rarely are they wrong.  Sometimes it gets scary, but not in like a horror movie scary, just in a weird, I can't believe this is going on scary.  I knew my sis-in-law Tanna was pregnant before she even found out (I told her she was and she denied it until she took a test and it was positive).  I knew my other sis-in-law Tonya was pregnant.  I kept telling Scott that she was pregnant (this was going on like the whole month of August and September) and at the end of September she told me she was pregnant.  Then I told Scott that my good friend Sabrina was going to have a baby this year and that I thought she was pregnant...within two weeks she told me she was pregnant (ok so far they seem to have to do with babies).  I also have been able to have a gut instinct with Marti.  I seem to be able to tell when she's doing something.  Whenever she's gotten into major trouble (well, not extremely major...just more than we like) I've had a feeling about it before it happened.  Maybe the Marti thing is just a Mother's instinct, I don't know.  But it is kind of weird.  I just wanted to share cause it is just weird to me.  Maybe I'm insane, maybe I'm not.  I don't know.  It's just something that was on my mind today.  Thought I would share it.  

Not this time

I took a test this weekend while I was away.  It was negative.  I am disappointed, but I am choosing to hold on to God thru it all.  It's just hard not knowing what God's will is in all of this.  I'm trying not to be depressed about it, but it's like I read on a website that I post on (on a daily basis) a woman who can't have a baby, misses that baby as if she is missing a person.  Even though she's never met this person.  I am trying something new here in a week or so.  I read about it in a parents magazine of mine and I did a lot of research about it.  It has gotten a lot of good reviews and the studies that they did on it were very good.  It's called Fertilityblend.  It's all natural (it's herbs and vitamins) and it's supposed to increase fertility.  There is a blend for men as well as women, so we are trying both blends.  Since it is all natural there are not the side-effects that come with using the clomid that I was going to try.  And it costs about the same that the clomid would cost.  So we would be at about the same place we would be if we tried it.  If you were to research the side-effects of clomid, you would see why I thought I would try something all natural first.  And if it works, then I will be very happy.  If not, we are in the same place that we are in now.  Well, I am at my parents house and spending time with them before I go back home.  I'll be back on later this week.  (I should be getting my fertilityblend this week).    

Bad Girl

I know I will get in so much trouble for this, but I just canceled my appt for today. I just can't do it. I just can't go there alone. I panicked when I woke up and had to start getting ready to go, so I called and told them that I couldn't come because of my dad (ok, I lied a little...forgive me for that). I also know that my family won't like that I didn't go to the dr to get my a pg test done. But I was scared to death about that too. I can't even explain it. It was almost like I was having a panic attack and literally could not leave the house to go to this dr. appt. What is wrong with me? I know that if I'm pg that I have to be tested early so that they can get me on something, but I just couldn't go. I just couldn't do it alone. When I talked to Scott he just laughed at me and asked me why I hated driving alone. He asked me how I made it to Alta Vista that one weekend. I guess he just doesn't understand that it's not the driving. I tried to make him understand that it was the actual dr appt and that I just didn't think I could do it alone and he said, "well, don't go then." So I guess it must not be that important to go. I don't know. I get so frustrated with infertility and with my womanly stuff. Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just be a normal woman that can get pregnant just by thinking about her husband? What is wrong with me? I better go, it's getting so I can hardly see the computer screen. Someday I might just get life straight, but for now I'll just go have a good cry.

Discouraged

Ok, I'm having second thoughts about Wednesday. I know I need to go and have my 6-month check-up with the dr, so I have to go. But I don't know if I want to talk about Clomid with her. I just don't think it's going to work. I think I'm getting my hopes up for nothing. I see newborns and I just think to myself "I am never going to experience that. Who am I kidding?" I don't even know if she will let me do it. I might just be setting myself up for heartache. What do I do? Is this satan trying to keep me from this, or is it God telling me not to do it? How do I know? I just don't know what to do. I don't think it means anything (even though I mentioned it to Scott), but I started feeling yucky after meals on Saturday and it's stuck with me until today. Trust me, I want to say "OH, I think I'm pregnant." But I don't know if it's really possible, or if that's what's really going on. Maybe I'm just getting sick again (yeah..I thought it was the flu last time). Wow, my mind plays so many tricks on me. I guess I'll just go on Wednesday and talk to the dr, and if she shoots me down on the clomid then that's my answer. I'll tell her about me feeling yucky for the past few days and see if she wants to test for pregnancy. I'm trying so hard to hold on to God right now. I know I need Him, but I tend to get so discouraged that I fall away from Him. It's just so hard, I'm so selfish and self-centered. I want things that I want when I want them, and I want it done my way. When will I learn to do it God's way?

Holding on to God

I was thinking about Job today. Actually it was in a devotion that we did at suppertime today. But it hit me. Job lost everything, his health, his wealth, his children. He was miserable. He was the perfect candidate to be able to complain and even curse God. But he didn't. He still praised God. Look at me. I have a great husband, I have good friends, I have family that loves me and supports me even when I'm a butt. I have even more things that I'm not even thinking of right now. I have a good job, a roof over my head, I have a beautiful daughter (a miracle from God), and like I said much more to count as blessings. But here I am and I think I have a reason to complain. Yes, there are days that I feel overwhelmed. I feel depressed and worthless. But God is always there, and I do not need to curse His name. I tried to teach my daughter a lesson last night at supper. It happened by accident, but it was the perfect thing. Scott had bought a pop for her (for after her Karate class) and we decided to let her drink it with supper. Well, there was water in all the glasses, so I took her glass and poured the water down the drain. Marti started whining and told me I was mean and that wasn't nice of me to pour her drink down the drain. So I told her that sometimes in life you have to give something up and it seems unfair and you don't understand it, but that usually something better is coming if we will just be patient and wait for it. I brought up the baby thing and told her that sometimes I get angry and think it's unfair that I can't have a baby, but that only God can see the whole picture and He must have something bigger and better in mind for me. She didn't know it, but I had to get rid of her water to give her the pop. I saw the whole picture, she didn't. And she got something so much better out of it...but she had to be willing to give up "her" will, and surrender to "my" will. Isn't that how we should be with God? Why do we fight with him? He can see so much more than us. What if I'm trying to settle for "water" and He's trying to give me "pop". If I won't give up what I have now, He can't give me what's better. Sometimes great life lessons happen at the strangest times (like at 8:00....suppertime). Are you willing to give up your "water" so that God can give you "pop"?

Another Niece

Ok, it happened. Tanna had her baby today. I haven't seen pictures yet (it's killing me not to see her) but I'm hoping to see some soon. Finlee was born this morning and weighed 7lbs 9oz. She was 2 pounds lighter then Jaelyn. Matt (my brother) told me that she looks just like Jaelyn did when she was born, only smaller. Don't worry, I'm doing better than you would think I am. Yes, it's tough. Yes, it makes me long for my own baby. It's hard for me to make all my thoughts come together, but I'm working it out. I think right now the toughest thing is not being able to see her. I think that would help me. It helped me when Jae was born (to see her in person). For now just keep praying. I can tell that things are going so much better for me. I can get upset about things, but it doesn't go out of control. I have been in prayer most of the day. Not only for me, because I prayed all morning that Tanna and Finlee would be ok. But I did pray for me and I gave my feelings and thoughts to God all day long. This helped me so much. It was a continuous thing. I had to keep giving those thoughts away over and over. And in doing so I have been able to remember that I have a new niece who I know is beautiful. And my sister-in-law is doing very well and is the proud mommy of 2 girls now. I make a vow to focus on these positive and exciting moments of today. If I focus on others besides myself, it helps me not to focus on my self-pity.

Tanna, whenever you read this, I'm so excited and I can't wait to see you and Matt and Jae and now Finlee. Remember, I still consider you my link to being pregnant and having a baby. I do not feel bad about you, I am not angry, I'm excited. I'm so happy that Matt married you. I see the kind of wife and mother you are, and you sometimes make me look bad. You are a proverbs 31 woman, and no one will ever change my mind on that. You keep being that wife that thanks her husband for going to work, and you keep being that mommy that has fun with her children, with just enough discipline added in. You truly are one of my best friends ever. I love you!

Kory Allan

My sweet angel baby,
I miss you. I think about you a lot. Just like I did with your sisters and brother, I wonder who you would have turned out to be. I hope that they are taking good care of you, as well as your great-Grandpa. Someday we will meet you and get to know you. Until then, I will know that you never felt the pain of this world. Your birthday was not an earthly one, but one in which you went right to the arms of Jesus. If we couldn't hold you, that's the next best thing. I am claiming the peace of God in this situation (because that's what your name means) and I don't want you to worry about me. I'm doing fine and I'm letting you go. I will not hold on to you any longer. I release you to spend your life in Heaven. I will hold your memory in my heart, but I will do it with love, not anger and bitterness. Hugs and kisses from Mommy, Daddy, and your sister, Martaysha.

Love,
Mommy

Vitamin B and other things

Vitamin B works if you suffer from depression. I have now been on it for awhile (I can't even remember exactly how long) but I had an opportunity to get really down on myself yesterday. Actually I was really upset and felt bad about me, but I did not stay down for long. Today I am feeling fine and the extreme did not go as low as it could have. I am physically feeling better and so now mentally I am getting better too. I think a person always tends to feel down when they are sick...cause they just want to get better. I have also made a decision. I am going to blog a letter to my "Angel Baby", Kory Allan. It will be my own personal memorial service to him and then I can move on. I wasn't going to say anything, and only those of you who read this will know (I did tell my sis-in-law and my mom...of course), but this is a prayer request only. I am not giving any false hope that a miracle will for sure take place, but I want lots of prayer for making this decison and that if we do that it could possibly work. But Scott and I have been talking and he wants me to try Clomid. For those of you who don't know what that is, I have probably talked about it in other blogs...a long while ago. But it's a drug that is supposed to make me ovulate, we will know for sure when it is supposed to happen and then we can try to get pregnant just one last time. I am excited that Scott is ready to take this step, but I'm scared to death to even possibly get my hopes up. Because I don't think my only problem is getting pregnant, it's keeping the baby. I go to the dr about this on March 11 and we will discuss whether or not this option will even work for us or if we do it, maybe I have to take some kind of hormone (shot or pill). But after the miscarriage in February, I do get nervous about really trying again. Ok, maybe we are crazy for trying to get pregant after just getting Marti, but God will know what we need to do. Also, with my womanly problems, I really think that we don't have as much time to work with that some women do when trying to have kids. I don't think my woman parts will last as long as they should. Anyway, for the moment just be praying that we make the decison that God wants us to make. Even if it means giving it up and not trying it. If we decide to do it, then it becomes a prayer that it will work and that we don't get upset over it if it doesn't work. Ok, for now that is all I think. It turned out to be a longer post than I expected, but at least it's not all venting about how life stinks. I think it is a normal post from a girl who's getting back to normal. God Bless you all!!!

Getting better

Ok, I almost ended up in the hospital. I got really, really sick. I'm on some really strong antibiotics now, and I had to get a shot in the butt...and had a reaction to that too :( Anyway, I'm much better now. I can breathe and I'm not allowed to go back to work until Monday (and that includes housework). I'm still taking my vitamin B (I think it's really helping) and as far as the eating right, well, I just started eating again yesterday afternoon. I'm trying very hard to stay positive even when things get me down. My sister-in-law had given me a book to write scriptures in and anything positive. It's called a book of inspiration and I'm not allowed to write anything negative in it. I've been writing a lot of things in it lately. Lots of scriptures and even song lyrics that speak to me. I plan to use it. I am also planning to start the love dare with Scott again in a day or two now that I'm getting back to myself. He decided that we would take a break until I was better. But I must say, it was only a break for me (that's what I told him) because he's been taking very good care of me and I consider that part of the love dare. He did day two for like 2 or 3 days. So now we are ready for day 3 (the both of us). Anyway, I better go. I just thought I should check in and let everyone know that I'm doing better and I guess I'll live (lol). Love you all and God Bless.

Feb. 24

Ok, not good for the first day of tracking, but I have to be honest. I got sick over the weekend and I've had the same old sinus stuff again. It doesn't help the diet (I don't eat much) and it brings me down physically and emotionally. (your physical well-being is connected to your emotional well-bing and vice-versa) I have been taking vitamin B for two days now and I have been doing pretty well for being sick. We'll see how it goes as I get well and can start exercising and eating much better. It has also helped that I'm on day 2 for the Love Dare. I'm not focusing so much on me. This is something else that has helped in the past two days. I'm focused on someone else and not my own problems. I'll be back tomorrow or the next day to update the progress. Love you and God bless you!

Changing the blog a little

Ok, I'm going to start changing my blog a little. My husband suggested this and it might do more good than what I've been doing lately. We have decided that I suffer from depression (ok, I've known this, but not been willing to admit it). In fact I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't have bipolar disorder (depression with extreme highs and extreme lows). Well, I'm going to track how I deal with it. What I eat differently than I have been (more fruits and veggies are supposed to help). Getting more exercise (dance praise here I come) and just tracking my overall good and bad days. I will be taking vitamin B everyday among other vitamins. I will see how this helps and maybe I can be an example to others who suffer from depression and need some help. We'll see how it goes. I will still do updates and I will try to blog as much as possible, but this way maybe I won't have such extreme posts on my blog. I've also started doing the Love Dare with Scott. This should help us as a couple and maybe I can track some of that here (not in major detail, just in general). Thanks for the support. I AM going to get better (with the Lords help). Love you all.

Thanks

This will be quick. I'm having a good weekend. Getting away has really helped. I needed some girl time with my family (we celebrated my birthday). That and I checked this blog and a friend prayed for me. That spoke to me very much. I know it says anonymous but you know who you are and I thank you. Prayer works and I feel it. I love you and thank you. I will be back to blog more later.

Help!

I honestly can't explain my feelings right now.  I've been struggling so much lately.  Even before the baby.  I don't know what's going on.  Scott thinks I need counseling and maybe even medication.  Maybe he's right, I don't know.  Things are so unsettled right now.  So often I hear that little voice in my head (not literally...I'm not that crazy) that tells me I'm not good enough and that I should just leave my family.  I've shared this with Scott (so that it's out in the open now) and he's helping me with it.  But I've even went as far as packing my clothes and getting ready to leave my family.  I know it's sounds so silly.  I never thought in my wildest dreams that I ever would even consider that, but when that thought goes through my head it seems so rational and like the right solution that I just have to consider it.  Please just pray for me right now.  I know this part is hard for me to admit, but I think I take after my birth mother so much and I have to break that.  Maybe I do need counseling and medication.  I don't know.  I just can't even seem to get out of bed in the mornings.  I used to love my job and now I dread going to it.  I used to love the kids and have a passion for them, and now I just can't seem to make myself care.  It's like my heart is hardening.  Well, I'll try and post more later.  Please pray hard for me.  I need help.  

Music speaks to me

No, I didn't write this song. But it speaks so much of how I feel right now. I haven't heard it in years, but it's from a great movie (A Walk To Remember). I "accidently" found it tonight after some struggling with God. He wanted me to talk with Him about my life...and I didn't want to. But this song is for Him and Him alone. God is my only hope.


There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold,
but you sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far,
sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again

So I lay my head back down
and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give you my destiny
I'm giving you all of me
I want your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs
I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my
Only hope


I'm still not completely better yet, but singing this song makes me feel a little better. It makes me spend time with God, which reminds me that He is the only one who can really comfort me. I do need Him....especially right now when I feel the way that I do. I still feel like I'm not good enough, but at least God hasn't abandoned me. I still hurt.....I still long for things I can't have.....but He's here with me holding me and crying with me.

God, please hold me. I can't do this without you. I hurt so much. I feel overwhelmed. I feel worthless. You are my only hope. I know that I need to be content in what you have given me....but please forgive me that I can't seem to quit longing for what my heart desires and won't give up. I want to feel loved and accepted. I want to do something that people can be proud of. But right now I just want to say to you, Lord, that no matter how I'm feeling, I will not curse Your name. I will not deny You. I will hold to You no matter how hard it may seem at times. Even when it feels like I'm all alone in the world, be with me....because I don't want to leave Your side. God, my prayer is the song above. I don't ask for a quick fix or healing...just for you to comfort me.