It's almost Christmas

Ok, it's almost Christmas. I love Christmas. It's my favorite time of the year. I guess my song should be "It's the Most Wonderful Time Of The Year" Cause that's how I view it. I've always been waiting for that Christmas when I can share it with my own children (or child I guess right now). And it's finally here. Scott keeps reminding me that it doesn't always have to be just like in my imagination and not to get my hopes up too much for that stereotypical storybook Christmas. He's right because things aren't perfect...but I can dream right? No, I am really excited about it. I thought that I had missed out on the whole "Santa" thing. And I don't think Marti really believes in him, but she is still mentally at a younger age (long story) and she is still very excited about the idea of him and waking up to a present from him on Christmas morning (after we read the real story of Christmas of course). And then, this weekend she surprised me.....and I won't tell you what she did I'll let you see it.....

You got it....I didn't miss out on getting pictures of my first child sitting on Santa's lap.....I get teary-eyed thinking about it. When we saw Santa I didn't think she would sit in his lap. I thought she would say it was for babies. But she was the third one in line. I didn't miss all the firsts....I mean it may not have been her first "Santa visit" but it was a first for us together to do it. I think it was a blessing from God. He allowed me yet again another chance to do something that I didn't think I would get to do. And she even told him what she wanted....a digital camera....better that than a cell phone....lol. She told me that Santa told her to take good pictures and not pictres of her Grandma in her underwear....lol. That's funny. Anyway, I don't have much time...but I was just getting excited and needed to share that I did get in on something that I didn't think I would get to be a part of. What a God-thing. Thank you, Lord.

Found a good e-mail in my inbox

A few posts ago I shared with you my beautiful pottery that I broke and glued back together.  I was going through my e-mail inbox and cleaning things out and printing out e-mails that were neat.  This one stuck out to me and I thought I would share it.  It goes right along with the theme of my life:

Crack Pot

     An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck  One of her pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.  At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.  For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.  

     Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.  But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.  After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

    "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

     The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?  That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and everyday while we walk back, you water them.  For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.  Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

     Each of us has our own unique flaw.  But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

I just thought this was such an interesting story.  I don't have time to write my thoughts about it at the time, but I will when I have time.  I just had to get this posted while I was thinking about it.

A broken Life

I'm gonna start this post by saying....like I said in the previous post, this was not my origional idea. It also went faster than I thought. I was going to do it tonight, but I was eager to get it done....I wanted to share it (and I planned to do it tonight...but I'm getting old and I knew I would fall asleep). This is the piece of pottery that I used. This is obviously the before picture. I got this as a wedding gift and I kept it in the kitchen to hold all my kitchen utensils. It is very beautiful is it not? My daughter was flabbergasted that I even thought about dropping this thing on the concrete and shattering it....ON PURPOSE!!! One day she'll understand.

We've all been through something in our lives that is not pleasant. Some of us have been through more than others. No matter what it is, during the time of it happening we all think that no one else understands and that it's the worst thing in the world to be happening to anybody. That's an understandable thing to be thinking at the time. But there is one who really does understand what we are going through. He has been through it all. His name is Jesus. He took our place and died for our sins. For those of us that have accepted Him as our Lord and Savior, He wants to live through our lives. He wants to shine through us so that others want the relationship that we have with Him. Do you know how that relationship grows stronger? There are a couple ways that happens. One, we have to spend time with Him. We have to talk to Him, spend time in His word (the Bible). What's the other way? Well, our faith has to grow in Him for us to trust Him and grow in Him. How?? It has to be tested. This means we must go through trials. I've heard it put different ways. Another good way to put it is that we must be refined like gold. Gold must be put through intense heat to get all the impurities out of it. Uncomfortable?? Probably. But afterwards, is gold not extremely beautiful? Diamonds....they are very beautiful as well. But to get to a diamond, the outer layer must be shattered and broken away. Painful?? I would bet. But diamonds are very valuable...and every woman would love a diamond....right, girls? Well, the same goes for our lives. We are gold...we are diamonds. But we must go through some painful, uncomfortable things to get where we are supposed to be in our faith.



A Broken, Shattered Life

Ok, now we've seen an illustration of a broken life. (yes, I went outside and threw down that beautiful piece of pottery) When your life is broken like that you don't think that anything can put it back together again. Kind of like the nursery rhyme humpty dumpty:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the Kings horses and all the Kings men

Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.

How true is that nursery rhyme? I mean think about it. We humans try as hard as we can to put our lives and other people's lives back together again. (Kings horses and men) but only the King Himself can put a life back together again. And if you let him do it He can do it. But a warning...you WILL NOT be the same ever again. This is not a bad thing. Yes, you will have scars (cracks), you may never look the same again....but like I read on that other blogsite that explained this "therapy tool,"....."you must be cracked so that God can pour out of the cracks of your life." This is so true. I've seen it evidenced in my life. And even though the world may not see those cracks as beautiful, they are the most beautiful thing ever. So no matter how cracked you might be....you are more beautiful than ever.

A cracked, but beautiful pot

So to all you beautiful cracked pots out there....I love you and lets stick together and let God pour out of our cracks.

New Blog

Ok, I started a new blog. I'm keeping this blog as well, but the other one is going to be even more intimate (for me). I am going to be putting my prayer journal entries (from 1999 until now) onto this other blog. It's sort of a way to really show my journey from how I was in high school until now. It's really interesting how you can see the growth from then until now. I ask that if you do read them, please don't leave critical comments. I do know that some of my prayers were very judgemental.....I was very immature and I prayed for things for other people that I needed to be praying in my own life...I can see that now. There are times that I prayed for people by name and when I prayed for them in a good way (praising God for them) I kept their name in there. But if I was praying for something going on with them that wasn't so good, I have kept their name out. I will warn you that sometimes my prayers are really from the heart and they share some secrets that I held (and maybe even still hold today) and so there might be some content that is not for children. Ok, I don't get really graphic, but I talk about some things that are not for children to see or hear. It's very hard to talk about those things, because most people do not know about them, but I think I wrote in the first post on that blog...."what the light reveals, it heals." So I guess that's all I can tell you about it without you actually reading it. Here's the site:

www.mel-lifesjourney.blogspot.com

It's happening!!!! Hallelujah!!!!!!!!

It's finally happening. Our daughter is moving in this weekend. Praise the Lord. I guess our patience finally paid off....ok, I wasn't as patient as I should have been, but it's happening. I'm so glad. After she moves in the next thing will be finalizing probably in April (that's the word so far). It's going to be so different having her thru the week. I hope things keep going as well as they are. She's a great girl and I love her so much. She has already started writing her name as Martaysha Soodsma. I think it looks so good when she writes it down....but that's just a proud mom talking. For now that's all I have, but we will keep you posted on how life is with a teenager full time instead of on the weekends. I bet I vent a lot more on here than I did even now. This will be my refuge....from my wonderful and precious daughter....lol. No, it will be fine even thru the hard times. It will be nice to have her around for the holidays and for starting those new traditions that we wanted to do with our children. She's so funny, cause she already started asking for a baby sister. I told her just to pray about it and see what God does. I'm anxious to see what He does. Anyway, I better go. I'm gonna enjoy my last few days of coming home to an empty house and being able to do what I want when I want...lol. I'll keep you posted.

About Me

Ok, you have all been wondering what is wrong with me and why I've been sick and why I haven't blogged about it. Well, the MRI showed that I just had sinus blockage. I thought that was so silly, cause I never felt any kind of sinus pressure or blockage. But I thought to humor the dr's I would take some sudafed over the weekend and show them that it didn't work. Well, it worked in a way, but it also made me much sicker than I was before. It started unblocking some of my blockage in my sunuses, but it also started draining down, too. I got a fever (101 most of the weekend) and because it was draining, my throat was so swollen and hurting that even to drink liquid was so painful. It was the most miserable I've felt in a long time. So yesterday the dr called me in a prescription and I started taking it last night. I'm feeling much better, but still not 100% yet. My throat is still sore (but I can drink liquids at least) and my temperature is normal. So that is the story of me. I'm still alive, and now that I have medicine, I should be feeling like I'm alive again. Thanks for all the prayers and concerns. I'm glad it was just a small fixable thing, but I do feel kind of silly for making it out to be so big. But I guess we all live and learn. And like Scott told me, how was I to know it was all just sinus blockage? It was different than I'm used to with sinus blockage.

Anyway, another update for us. They have set the meeting we have to have for October 9th. It's a Thursday, and supposedly she is supposed to move in with us that weekend. I hope they didn't change their minds on us, because the foster mom told us last night that she had talked to a worker that said they might just hold off until December. But if they are having the meeting then I would assume she's moving in. I'll let you know if anything different happens. Keep praying.

Pray

Ok, this has nothing to do with adopting our daughter. This is a prayer request that could be simple or it could be serious. I'm only putting it on my blog because I don't know any information yet (until tomorrow) and those who read my blog can just be praying until I find out...and then I will let people know if it's serious....if it's not serious then I will have less people to tell. But I've been getting some pretty bad migraines and my meds have not been touching them. This weekend (since Saturday) I've had a pretty bad migraine, but it's been a little different than my other ones. But when Scott and his mom were trying to massage my muscles in my back and neck, they found a lump on the left side of my neck that is very painful to me and it's not in a muscle (that we know of). I have been home today not feeling good (migraine, nausea, neck pain, lightheadedness/dizziness) and I got the dr to listen to me and I'm going in tomorrow. I don't know exactly what it is, but my husband and my dad are even more worried than me. Scott is just worried cause he doesn't know what it is and my dad is worried cause he thinks he knows what it is and it could be fatal to me if not found soon. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I understand that we as the children of God need to take all things to Him in prayer. Scott and I are watching this very close and we are not going to mess around. If anything gets worse we will be in to the ER getting it looked at, but I am pretty sure that I will make it in tomorrow and then I will have my answers. Thank you so much for praying. When I know something I will blog it, so keep checking. If it really is serious, and you are a friend or family member I will be calling you in person. If I don't call you then it's not serious and our prayers have been answered the way we want them to be. I will admit that I'm a little worried, but I'm going to trust in the Lord that He know's all things and all things are for His good (or will be used for His good). I love you all! And thank you for your prayers.

Still not moved in

I just don't think I can go into it right now (I'm feeling a little disgusted) but Marty is not moved in yet and we thought we had a date set that she had to be moved in by (the 30th) of this month....and now they just hope they can keep that date. What is their problem?? Anyway, I know it's short, but that way those of you keeping up with the blog can know what's going on....or not going on. Keep praying.

LIf is too busy

I read something once from James Dobson where he said that even a mother of a teenager would do good to be a stay-at-home mom if it allows. Well, our teenager isn't even moved in and I already feel that way. I get so tired by the time I'm done chasing 3-5 year olds all day and then come home to be a wife/mother(eventually full-time) and it takes a lot out of me. It really is like having two full time jobs. But it will work...I was just wanting to share that little bit of insight with everyone. So far things are going well (other than being busy) except that she's not moved in yet. We are getting a little frustrated with the other agency that they aren't getting things done. They were supposed to have sent some papers to SRS last Thursday or on Monday and I got an e-mail today that they hadn't gotten it done but would try to get it done today....and then we have to wait at least 10 days for SRS to do their part....all this before she can move in. I understand that we have to be patient, but it's very hard. Poor Martaysha can't understand why they won't just let her move in. And we have tried to let her know that even though we don't like it either, that we have to be patient (and nice to them...). We try very hard to encourage her throughout the week and keep her from getting angry about it. We told her we are already a family and we are all three here to encourage each other and make each other feel better....I think she liked that thought. She did tell us in a sweet note this past Sunday that she feels like the puzzle of her life is finally getting the pieces together. I wanted to cry, it was so moving. I think our family photo that gets put up on the wall I will get done into a puzzle and then frame it and it will be a symbol that our family puzzle is now coming together with all the pieces. What a great idea. Well, I better go. I have lots of things to do....busy, busy, busy. God bless you all!!!

Weekend in Alta Vista

We had so much fun in Alta Vista this past weekend....oh and at the Casting Crowns concert. It was Martaysha's first concert ever, and she loved it. We bought her a picture of them so she can have it and she put it in her school binder already. We also listened to our Casting Crowns cd over and over (but that's ok). Martaysha also had a blast camping with my family. She got to go swimming in the lake and tubing behind the boat. She absolutely loved it. I could tell she was exhausted last night when we brought her back to Ellinwood, though. She was getting very upset that we had to bring her back last night, too. She said she is ready to go and chew out the agency and tell them that she's just moving in. I guess she's ready to move in...lol. We are on the countdown though. They did say it would be in September...so it will be within a few weeks. She and I started getting some songs together to sing duets. One of them I think we will share with people when we have the adoption party (along with a song I'm singing for her). She's so much like me in that way.....music speaks to her just like it does for me. I love to use music to communicate my feelings (i guess that's the musician in me). Well, anyway, it was a great weekend. And hopefully in the next few weeks I can post that she is moved in. Keep praying.

Will she ever move in???

Well, another weekend closer to the big move. We are going to a therapy appointment tomorrow with Marty and this will be the deciding factor of how soon this will happen. If the therapist thinks that things are good and if there are no concerns, then it will be a go much faster than we thought. It could be within 2 weeks (I hope). It's getting so hard to leave her on Sunday nights. For us and for her. We can tell as we get closer to Ellinwood that she is quieter and more withdrawn. The mother in me just about dies when I have to watch this and know that she wants to stay with us, but we have to drop her off. Soon....I have to remember....soon. They told us no matter what it would be in September....so that's good. Well, anyway, I just wanted to share a little note on how things are progressing.

Poem

I was looking for special adoption gifts and poems, etc...and I found this poem that I thought was so beautiful. I printed it out with a pretty font and I plan to mat it and frame it and give it to Marty when the adoption is finalized (probably around March/April). Here it is....just don't cry on me (yeah right):

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone
But still miraculously my own
Never forget not for a minute
You weren't born under my heart
But in it

I don't know who wrote it, but it touched my heart.

Yet another weekend

Ok, we have Martaysha again. We are so ready to just have her move in with us. The weekends are going so well. We have a meeting tomorrow with a St. Francis worker (the one that really decides when it's time to move her in) and our social worker told Martaysha to bring up the fact that she wants to move in already. Our worker thinks that it might speed things up, or at least keep them on track. Martaysha is so excited for this Sunday (well, she's usually excited about Sundays...but this one is different) because she gets to sing with us on our worship team. In fact she asked to do a verse of a praise song, solo. She is such a good singer. She can hit every note with quite a bit of accuracy. Boy, does that warm my heart. I think it's so wonderful that God gave us a daughter that loves music as much as we do. She even asked me tonight if she could play the flute in church sometime. I told her if she practiced up a song, then she could. I have special music sometime in the month of September (I think towards the end) and Marty and I decided that we would sing a mother/daughter duet for it. We are going to pick out a song tomorrow and get her a copy to listen to and practice up for that time. Actually, if we can get things worked up good enough, we might sing a special next Sunday in Alta Vista. We are going there for Labor Day weekend and I know my parents and I will be singing a special at their church. How exciting. Someone actually mentioned to me (I can't remember who) that maybe we could be the next Judds.......well, ok we wouldn't be the Judds, but we could do a few duets. It's still so unbelievable that we finally get to be parents. In fact we were having a talk with Marty tonight about how sometimes it's hard to see what God is doing at the time, but looking back it's easier to see why some things happened. I brought up the month of April and the fact that we didn't get those two little girls. I was so devastated, but looking back I have no regrets because I can't imagine life without Martaysha. I know that God knew that we would get Marty, so He couldn't give us those other girls. What a great lesson to remember.....God does have plans for us that are good for us and not to harm us....even if we think they don't look the best at the time.

Another weekend

Well, we had yet another weekend with our precious daughter. We got to take her clothes shopping on Sunday. I thought it was fun. I actually had more fun finding clothes for her than I do for myself. And I love picking out clothes for me. But I had to giggle at Scott. He is so a stereotypical daddy. All I kept hearing (and I'm glad I did) was "Why do they make shirts like this? Are they all this bad?" LOL!!! I was glad that he was there to make sure that no indecent clothes got past. He made Martaysha get a white tank top and a white t-shirt to put under pretty much everything that we bought. Ok...I was right there with him. I agreed with everything he said. It was just so funny to see Scott. It's been different to watch him as a dad. It's not a bad thing, but it's just not a role I've seen him in until now. He's a good one, I'll tell you that. He won't admit it (too much) but I think he misses her just as much as I do when she's gone for the week. He's always telling her that he can't wait for her to live with us. He's so sweet. And I'm also very glad because I was looking at the basketball schedule for Healy and I will get to go to every game of Martaysha's. Anyway, gotta go for now. I'll blog more later.

Some pictures of our beautiful daughter!

Here are three pictures that I have of Martaysha. She and two boys at church were playing with our camera, so I wasn't sure what I would end up with....but these were my favorite pictures. Enjoy!

Prayer Request

Hi everyone. I just have a small prayer request for you all. We are really working on the social workers and other workers that are in charge of the adoption. We had been told that they wanted to go very slow with the process and even moving her in. Well, because things are going so well and Martaysha is begging to move in with us and get on with life in her new family we have been bugging some people that need bugged. It sounds like maybe they are starting to change their minds and maybe considering that our situation can move a little faster. We are not for sure how fast they will let us move, but I get the feeling that if we don't move a little faster than we are, Martaysha might get restless. Just be praying that they will change their minds and allow her to move in. We talked to Martaysha last night on the phone and Scott asked her why she liked us so much since we weren't that special. She told him that we didn't have to be special. I thought that was sweet. But anyway, just keep praying that things will move the way they are supposed to. Thanks a bunch.

*Update: I talked to our social worker, who talked to the other workers (you know how that goes) and right now they don't want to move any faster than 6 weeks. I get a little discouraged by that, but I also understand that there is a process to this. I am just trying to stay positive and remember that she is our daughter even if we have to wait for 6 weeks to get her moved in. We will work with it and praise the Lord for what He has done so far. But keep praying, because I know God can do anything. He may choose to change things, or He may keep them on the path they are going. It's all up to Him....He can see the big picture.

Weekend

These are the two pictures we took this weekend at Scott's parents house. We wanted to have pictures to show people when they asked about her. Here they are....we will be getting better ones done probably on the weekend of the 23/24th of this month.

Scott's girls!!!!

Our weekend went so good. She fits so perfect in our family. We got to do so many mother/daughter things. We tried on clothes, did some make-up and hair, we both love jewlery. It was so great. She was a total sweetheart this whole weekend. I don't think we will have any major problems....just the normal teenage ones that come with having a teenage daughter. She opened up to me some already (which I guess tells me she's comfortable with me). We had to bring her home last night and Scott and I talked on the way home that the van (we bought a new van on Friday) seemed way too quiet. Then today at lunch Scott said...."it's just not the same, it's too empty." He misses her just as much as I do....which is so sweet. He wants to just move her in. It's just like any daddy, I think he's already wrapped around her finger....lol. We are picking her up again this Friday (well I am) and we will have her until Sudnay evening...again. I can't wait for this to be over and have her her permanently. And she mentioned it quite a bit that she just didn't see why they couldn't let her move in with us. I think she has a theory of making that work....she left a bunch of stuff her. A pair of shoes, jewelry, some pictures. And she told me she was leaving them....I think she slowly plans to move things in until finally she won't have anything left at the foster home.....I kind of laugh at that. At least she's excited to move in and wants to be here. She's ready for a new family so bad. But anyway, enjoy the pictures and the update.

Keep watching

I just wanted to tell you to keep watching my blog. I am going to take pictures this weekend of us and Martaysha and I plan to post them asap. I have had a lot of people asking if we have pictures of her, so now I will have them. Pray that this weekend goes well for us. I'm a little nervous yet, that she'll get here and decide she doesn't like us. I don't think that will happen, but it's just one of those little voices that I fight.

Visit

We got to see her. Her picture doesn't even do her justice. She is so beautiful. Scott already said he was going to have to chase the boys away....and he said he plans on doing it. We have a protective daddy on our hands. And as we talked on the way home last night, he even said he already started feeling like her dad. It was a slow start to our evening, both she and I were a little shy...but by the time we had to leave I didn't want to leave her there and she didn't want us to go. She is going to be staying with us this weekend for a visit. I think it will go a little faster than they think it will and that she'll be moved in very shortly after school starts. I can't wait for that day....seeing her just made it so much more real that she's my daughter. The love just started over-flowing. Adoption is so truly a gift from God. Now I do know that things will not be perfect...she will make mistakes and of course so will we. But she is a perfect match to our family. We are interested in the same things, and we get along very well. When Scott would joke with her she got to where she'd just throw it right back. You can imagine how much that spoke to Scott. Oh...I can't wait to get her in our home. I love her so much and she's my daughter.

Picture of Martaysha

I thought maybe some people would enjoy seeing a picture of our new daughter. (she's on my mind just a little) I've been told by Scott's family, my family, and her foster mother that we look alike a little. That's all I'll say for now...enjoy the picture:

Today is the day!!!

Well, today is the day that we meet our daughter. I have butterflies. I just got done with her scrapbook that we will give her tonight that has pictures and letters from our families. I hope she likes it. I can't believe it's here already. But yet, it still doesn't seem real. It's like I know what's going on...but like it's just a dream, or maybe it's all fake. But I bet after tonight it will all be as real as anything. And maybe after we meet her I will start acting normal again....instead of running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get things done. I get the feeling that tonight might also be kind of hard. I think that Martaysha will ask to come home with us. Our social worker will be there with us since it's the first visit.....and a part of me kind of hopes that she will say "go ahead. just take her home." But the other part of me says that she will make sure that the weekend visit is a later date. Either way, I can handle it. It helps knowing that she's ours no matter what. The only way this won't happen now is if we say no.....and that just isn't going to happen. I also can't wait for everyone around us to meet her and get to know her. I think it's hard for them to feel like it's real. That's just the way it goes I guess. Well, since it is like 3:15 in the morning, I should go to bed. That way I get some sleep and am a little rested to meet Martaysha. I'll post when we get back (either tonight or on Wednesday) just so everyone knows how things went. Keep praying.

Meeting Marty

Well, we set the date and time to meet Martaysha. We will be going to see her on Tuesday and will get to her foster home about 6:30 or so. We are so excited. I've been such a basket case all week, and I feel like I'm finally turning back into a normal human being. I'm still excited, but the excitement has turned from wacky and crazy, to just normal excitement. Keep praying for us that we would be Godly parents and know the right decisions to make in different situations. But we are sticking with God on this, and plan to let Him guide us fully in our parenting. Thanks for all the prayers we have already had go up for us. That includes people praying that God would bless us with a child. It's finally here, God has chosen this time for us to be parents. Isn't He awesome?!?!?

Update.....again.

Ok, we read her profile. We know that we will go through with it. Now we have to meet her. They wanted us to wait a few days before saying yes (which we will....no doubts at all). We have been told that if we say the word tomorrow or Monday we can meet her as soon as Tuesday evening. I hope that it works out to do that. I can't wait to meet her. We got her letter yesterday when we read the file. I loved the letter and we could sense her excitement. Our only concern is that we won't know how to handle a teenager, but we will take it one day at a time and learn as we go (just as with any parent). Just pray for us that we will move forward as slow or fast as we need to.

THE NEWS!!!

The call came in. We were selected. It is a for sure thing, but they changed a few of the plans we had. We were going to meet her and pick her up tomorrow, but some of the people in the meeting wanted us to go slower, so we are just reading the profile tomorrow and we will set up a meeting sometime after that. It would be nice if we could meet her (and not take her home) and then do the weekend visit another time. But we will talk to her tomorrow and see what can be done. But I can wait until a later time to meet her and bring her home, knowing that we got selected and she will be our daughter. I better go, because I'm now emotionally drained and I might go take a nap or rest. Keep us in your prayers.

Great Song

I don't think I've ever posted like 3 times in one day. I guess it's one way to try and keep my mind busy. But last night I had two girls spend the night (it was a blast) and we downloaded a bunch of songs onto my ipod. One of them was a Rascal Flatts song (I love them) and it is a good song. It can be a love song, a christian song, or tonight as I was driving back from Dighton I realized there is one more way you can take this song. Just think about an adopted mother bringing her child home (like with me and Martaysha) and read the words.


The Day Before You

I had all but given up on finding
The one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready to settle for
Less than love and not much more
Thre was no such things as a dream come true
Oh, but that was all the day before you

Now, you're here and everythings changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

In your eyes I see forever
Makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you

The Heaven knows the years without you
Shaping my heart for the day I found you
You're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you

Now you're here and everythings changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

Was the last day that I had to live alone
And I'm never going back
No, I'm never going back

Now you're here and everythings changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I would never have to go back to
Yeah, I'll never have to go back to
The day before you

still waiting

Ok, things don't always go just they way you want them too.It's 6:15 and I'm still sitting here at home, going nuts, waiting for the official and final word. I don't think it will be a no, but it's just the waiting. I'm not good at waiting. I've had a few people call this afternoon to see if there is any news, and each time I scream when the phone rings.....but no official news yet. I will be on the phone and then blogging asap after the phone call. Keep praying...and I'll keep you posted.

Staffing today

Well, as I type, they are getting ready to start the meeting. I could find out within the hour about Martaysha. I got an e-mail from our social worker this morning that made me cry (a good crying). I had e-mailed a letter and some pictures for Martaysha to see to calm her nerves. I didn't know if it would work or not, but just read the e-mail to see what happened.

Melissa,
I am sorry that I did not get back to you on this email yesterday. I did meet with Martaysha. I actually went with her to a therapy appointment. That is where she read your letter and seen your pictures. She is now even more excited about the possibility of you being her forever family. The therapist and case manager reported that they have not seen her smile as much as she did yesterday. I spent about an hour with her following her appointment and she admitted that she is more excited then nervous now. She asked when she would get to meet you and explained to her the game plan. She is very nervous about you reading her file and changing your minds about adoption. I (along with everyone else) tried to reassure her on this. Well, I am getting ready to head out for Liberal. If you need to visit with me before the staffing at 2:00pm. I will definitely be calling you after the staffing.

Melva

Martaysha has nothing to worry about. No way at all could I ever not pick her. I'm only reading the profile because they said we have to and it will help me get to know Marty better. I would never not choose to take her home. I already have a heart bursting with love (a miracle from God) and I feel as if she is really my daughter (which sounds so cool to say). I will be back on very soon and I will post the results of the meeting....which I think we already know. I'll be back.

Freaking Out!!!!!!

Ok, it's Monday. That means tomorrow is Tuesday. That's the day they have the staffing. Then since tomorrow is Tuesday, the day after that is Wednesday....the day we meet Martaysha and pick her up for her visit. AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! Sorry, I am being a little weird today.....the butterflies that have been in my stomach just took over my whole body. They are flying like crazy from my head to my toes. I'm trying to stay focused on what I need to....such as cleaning the house, organizing the bathroom (to fit another female's stuff...poor Scott), and just running around like a chicken with my head cut off. There are two girls from our youth group/band that might be spending the night tonight for one last sleepover before I become a mom. I'm hoping that they can, cause it's gonna get really hard to sleep and just find things to keep my occupied. I can't believe it's two days away. It makes me want to cry. Ok, I know this post is not making much sense and I'm just jabbering on and on....but it's keeping my hands and my mind a little busy. I keep going from room to room trying to get things done and just not remembering what all it is I want to get done. Ok, Melissa, deep breaths, think soothing thoughts, dream of relaxing on the beach by the ocean....the calming sound of the waves.....vacationing with my new daughter....ok, not working. I better just leave now, before everybody decides to quit reading my blog altogether. I will probably be on here again at least once or twice or a million times before Wednesday. So talk to you all later.

Countdown!!!

Well, the countdown continues......and it seems to be taking forever. Is this what it's like when a woman has just a few days before her baby is born? I got the room un-decorated, and now we just wait for Martaysha to come and decorate it in her own way. We have a dresser and an nightstand that I was going to re-paint before she got here....but I decided that maybe she would have fun painting them in her own colors. And since I love to paint things, it can be a mother/daughter project. Maybe we can pick a bunch of different colors and make the drawers on the dresser really colorful. I guess we'll see what she would like to do. I can't believe that we're down to 4 days. I'm getting more excited as the days go by, but my nervousness is growing as well. I guess this is normal. We heard from our social worker that Martaysha is just as excited and nervous as us. So we (I) wrote her a letter to tell her a little more about us and just make that little bit of contact before Wednesday. And the meeting is Tuesday, so when I get the phone call, I will be back on here blogging I assume. It seems so weird to be planning this already when they haven't even had the staffing, but we've been assured that our chances of getting her are 99.9% certain. Our profile was already given out to all those that will be in attendance at the staffing, and they all contacted our social worker and said they were all 100% for us being the adopted parents. And the fact that they told Martaysha about us is a big thing. They wouldn't tell her if they weren't completely certain it was going to happen. wow! We are starting out with a 13 year old......that's just a little weird to me. I just hope we can do this. But I guess if we were able to handle Curtis this past fall, we can handle Martaysha. I'll keep posting all our updates so everyone knows how it all goes.

Update

I can't believe that I get my daughter in a week. It seems like not enough time, but yet, forever at the same time. It's just a dream come true that I will be a mom. Ok, that's all good, but I probably should share how the surgery went (all the gory details...lol). It went good. I've had some cramping, but not bad. If I over-exert myself then I hurt more, but I'm able to do more and more everyday. The dr said that I had an enlarged uterus when she went in (I don't know yet what that could mean), she found a polyp (a growth of tissue), and of course my lining was thicker than it should be. It all went good and they just have to send the tissue in for testing (just to make sure I don't have cancer...scary I know...but it's all good). Other than that I will get to talk to her on August 6th when I go for my follow-up appointment. Scott really likes my dr which is a nice change after my other drs. But anyway, I gotta go. I guess here in a week or so I will have much more to blog about (and her name is Martaysha). I'll keep everyone updated as we go along.

I'm gonna be a Mommy!!!!!

Ok, we have not had the final official word, but we have been assured that it would take a tragedy or a terrible something to make it not happen. We are going to be parents to a 13 year old girl. I'm so excited. I just want to shout it from the rooftops. I've been on the phone all afternoon since getting a call from our social worker, talking to family and letting them know that we are more than likely getting our new family member. They are all just as excited as we are. Scott is getting nervous, but he's handling it well. He just keeps saying it's a good thing we had experience with Curtis last fall. He taught us so much about parenting, about being on the same page, about discipline techniques and how to be creative in that. OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I'm going to be a mommy. Our social worker told me today that all the parties that will be at the meeting to decide for sure have already looked at our profile and they all think that it is a perfect match. So it's just about doing what has to be done in the process. The meeting is the 29th of this month and we are picking her up on the 30th. She will be with us for that weekend (July 30-Aug 3) and then she will go back to her foster family pretty much just to get her stuff. We then will sign adoption intent papers and she will officially move in with us in time to start school on the 15th of August. Then in 6 months later (which will be around Feb....which is my birthday) we will finalize the adoption. Which is interesting. We get her around Scott's birthday and we will finalize around my birthday. Maybe I'm reaching, but that just seems kind of cool to me. And next year we get to celebrate mothers day and fathers day with our child in our home. AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! I feel like I just got news that I'm pregnant. I just hope that the 29th and 30th get her fast. I have my surgery next week, so I will sleep that day away, and other than that I will have cleaning to do and getting the room ready (taking the winnie the pooh stuff down), painting her dresser (it looks horrible right now). Oh my goodness and only a matter of a few weeks to do it. And then we will have to enroll her, get school supplies, school clothes, etc. Wow, I better quit here before I have an anxiety attack....there's a lot to do to get ready to have a teenager......lol. But my excitement is much more than my anxiety at this point. I'M GONNA BE A MOMMY!!!

Lord,
Oh, thank you so much for this blessing in our life. I pray that we would be the parents to her that you want us to be. Guide us in raising her and knowing what choices to make. I pray that she would find you as she lives with us. Let us be the Godly examples that we need to be to our child. I don't even know what to say except "thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you." I give her into your hands right now. She is a gift from you, she is yours and we just have her while on earth. Keep her in your hands and start a work on her now. Let her be molded into what you want her to be molded into. Thank you so much for this opportunity.

Nervous......

I have to start this blog by saying that I am very nervous. No....not about waiting to hear about the girl we might adopt.....but because I have to have surgery now. I am having what's called a D&C. Which means that I get my womanly parts scraped out. It's what they do after a miscarriage to get the rest of the baby out (very gross....sorry). Well, I didn't have a miscarriage, but the other problems I have made this necessary. I'm nervous. The only other time I was put completely out was my senior year when I had my wisdom teeth removed. Thank goodness Scott is very willing to help me out...and my fave sis-in-law said that if I need someone to help me out she would come and stay with me. I will find out about the surgery on the 17th of July (at a pre-op appt.) and then the surgery on the 21st. I should find out the 17th what all happens at the surgery and all the details that I need to know. Maybe I won't be as nervous after I know what will really happen.....or maybe I'll be more nervous when I find out exactly what happens. At least I will have Scott there....and our chances of getting pregnant after this are supposed to be pretty good.....we'll see I guess. I'm not going to guarantee that I will be pregnant, but if it happens I will let you all know. I guess all I can say now is that I want lots of prayers that I won't be so nervous, and that it works. I don't want to spend money on a surgery that won't work for me and things just go back to normal. Well, that's about all I can say about this. Just pray for me on the 21st that the surgery will go well. Thanks so much!

Here we go again

Ok, yes I had a hard time when we did not get the two girls in April. And now here we go again and we have submitted our names for another girl. We are very, very nervous about this. Of course we are nervous that we might not get picked....but we are more nervous that we might get picked. You see, we have always wanted to adopt a young child (or even an infant) and the girl we are waiting to hear about is 13. WOW!!! Can we really handle having a teenage girl in our home? Will we know what we are doing? Our family reassures us that we will be fine....I hope they are right. The thing that is different about this one is that our social worker thinks we will be perfect for her and she is also the young girl's social worker. This is different than before. We are also the only ones who have submitted our names and we have been told that they are not going to wait for others to submit their names.....since the girl is a teenager already they want to find her a home asap. Our social worker also said that they have talked about trying to get her into her adoptive home before school starts (or very shortly after it starts). This gives us maybe 2 months before they might try and get her moved in. Usually they say not to rush that much, but I guess the girl is so ready to be adopted that she is ready to move whenever she can when they find her a home. AAAAHHHHH!!!!! Are we really ready? I'm just so nervous I can't even tell you the feelings that I have. To be perfectly honest, I'm nervous that I won't accept this girl as my own daughter. I think that is a normal fear when adopting, but that is my fear right now. She deserves a family that will accept her as their own and no questions asked. I've been told that when you adopt the feelings just miraculously happen and that you feel as if they are your own and they always have been. I hope this happens. It will be different than an infant adoption because we will not have known her since she was an infant....we will just now get to know her. We are also nervous because of the experience we had this past fall with the young boy in our home. He was a lot of work, and we sacrificed a lot with him in our home. He also had some major behavior issues that we had to deal with. Our social worker has told us that we will not have the major issues with this girl that we did with that boy. I hope they aren't as bad. But if they are, we will just deal with them as we did with the other situation.

Heavenly Father,
Please help us not to be nervous about this. Please give us the courage and strength to do this if we are chosen. I pray for me right now that if we don't get chosen that I won't get so down that I give up in trying to have children or adopt children. Guide us in whatever you have for us. We choose to follow your will that you have for us. And if we have children we will love and give you the praise and if we don't have children we will love and give you all our praise. Thank you so much for what you have done for us. I love you and I give you the praise and the glory.

Summer is here

Well, summer is getting busy for me. I have a lot of travel plans. This coming weekend Scott and I are going to Branson. The weekend after I'm going with our youth group to a youth conference in Hays. The weekend after that I play in Garden City the morning of the 28th, then I leave for Minnesota and stay for the week after that. Then in July, we have a relay for life, another youth conference in Colorado Springs, then sometime after that my mom, sis-in-law, sister, and niece are going on a woman's trip...somewhere. Don't know where yet. WOW!!! Before I know it school will be starting again. But that's ok. It's better to be busy than be so bored that I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe that will help me keep my mind off of trying to have a baby. But the bad thing is that I'll be gone so much that I might not be around enought to "try." Well, I just wanted to post something to let people know that I haven't gotten lost. I'm still here. God Bless you all!!!

God's perfect timing

Ok, most of you who know me are probably thinking by the title that I have some wonderful announcement about me being pregnant. I wish I could say that, but I can't....not at this point anyway. The perfect timing I'm talking about has to do with something that happened last night. We had worship team practice and I was supposed to give our guitar player a book for his mom before he left. Well, we both forgot. I had it with me, but I just didn't give it to him. So I was desperate to get it to him (long story behind it). Since they live in a town that is 35 minutes away from Dighton I thought that we could meet someone halfway. So plans were made and that's what we did. The book was given to the right person and everything was good. Except for the fact that it was late (almost midnight) and Scott was getting a little edgy, as well as me. We were like 6 mile from home when we saw a vehicle in the ditch. At first we couldn't tell if it was upside-down. Thank goodness it was right-side up. But from the look of it the guy in the vehicle had quite the ride into the ditch. Ok, to help you picture why this happened a little better I need to mention that it was raining very hard. At times we couldn't even see the road (and I think it hailed just a little bit at one point). So it was obvious that this guy had hydroplaned and lost control. So we were able to give him a ride to his parents house who lived past Shields a ways. Scott and I realized that we could not be mad about having to bring the book halfway to Ness City because if we had not had to do that, we would already have been home when this guy went into the ditch....and he would have been there a long time because at midnight that road is very dead. We realized that God allowed a situation for us to help this guy. So the moral of the story is.....When a situation seems to be an inconvenience, look for the blessing that God has waiting for you. Sometimes it's in helping someone (like we did) and sometimes it's an unseen blessing of maybe avoiding an accident or something. You just never know. This was a lesson that my family stuck to when I was growing up. We were always having car trouble or getting lost (It's a Pollock thing) but we always tried to thank God for an unseen blessing of safety, or even thanked him for meeting the people we got to meet had it not been for our "troubles." God knows what is going on and has perfect timing for everything in life.

Down in the dumps

I guess tonight is my time to be a little down. I don't know what my problem is, but I'm feeling kind of depressed. Maybe it's because of some things going on right now that I can't mention. I will hopefully be able to talk about it after awhile. Just pray for me. It just started tonight during practice. I was in the middle of singing and having a great time...and all of a sudden I just didn't feel like myself. I was feeling like I didn't want to do anything. I don't know...it was just strange. I can understand if I would have had a bad day, but my day was fine. It was my last day of school. I should have been so happy that nothing could bring me down. But that's not what is happening. I do go to a dr appointment tomorrow, so I guess maybe I'm nervous about that. I never know what the dr will say when it comes to my womanly issues. Things are still not better. I'm supposed to have an ultrasound tomorrow so maybe they will have some answers. I hope so. Thanks for taking the time to read this and letting me vent to you. I'll hopefully be more upbeat next time. God Bless You!

God is still working

Well, God is still at work. Can you believe it??? ;) I guess I knew that, but it's always nice when He really does show himself. I was not paying attention in Sunday School today. (By the way I go to sunday school with scott and he teaches the high school kids). There is a verse that I have had people quote to me (and make me angry) that kept coming to mind this morning. It's Psalm 37:4 which is the verse that says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." My argument has always been that the verse was a lie because I delighted in the Lord and He won't give me the desires of my heart. Which at times has made me question the Bible. Ok, that's a whole other subject. But this morning this verse kept coming to mind and I tried to shoo it away, but it wouldn't go away. So I got my Bible and looked it up. Did you know that I have never read around that verse? If I have I have never paid attention. Can I just say, "Whoa!!!" There went God again. The whole chapter 37 talks about the wicked and how it seems that they prosper and the righteous don't, but not to be angry when it seems that way because in the end they will perish and the righteous will prosper. That has been exactly how I've felt lately. Everyone who does bad things seems to be blessed with children galore, while we live a good clean life (without drugs and alcohol, etc.) and haven't been able to have children. I've been very bitter and angry about that. But then God steps in and speaks this to me. That it will seem like the wicked gets their way, but in the end they are the ones who perish. So if you get a chance, read Psalm 37 and let me know what you think of that. I know others that think the same way I do that life just isn't fair and it seems bad people get good things.....but God still has His hands in it all. He knows what He's doing (very hard to remember that). It's like I taught to the young youth group (Fishers Of Men) at church today....Joseph had a very hard life. He was sold as a slave by his brothers, he was thrown in jail for doing the right thing and yet God was in it all and it was all in His plan. WOW!!! Can't wait to see what my story turns out to be.

God does not forget us

To start this I need to show you an e-mail that I sent to a friend just today. It went something like this:

Tina,
Thank you for just being here for me. And thank you for the card....I try so hard to remember and actually believe that God does have a plan for me. I just get so frustrated because I don't know what it is. Sometimes I feel so alone like God has just left me hanging by myself. I "know" that He hasn't, but I just can't seem to grasp that. I feel like he forgot to make a plan for me and forgot that he forgot (does that make sense?). I just feel like I'm hanging here with nothing to do. That's a lot of feelings....lol!

Not more than 10 minutes after sending that to her, I was bored and was searching GodTube for something to watch. I figured if I was going to watch something good, it would be better from GodTube. I just happened upon (yeah....what a coincidence) a video of Chonda Pierce. I had heard of her, but had never seen or heard her speak. She is very funny and I enjoyed listening to it, and then God spoke......well, she did, but it was His words. If you watch the video you will understand (after you've read my e-mail above). She was singing a song that is very familiar to me, but I guess I've never really heard the words like I did today. It was the song "What A Friend We Have In Jesus." She sang it and then spoke a little more and mentioned that God does not forget us......did you read that.....HE DOES NOT FORGET US!!! I had just said to someone that I felt like God forgot about me. I don't even think there's anymore to say about that.

Here's the link for the video:
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=7365160ae77a62187f3d&page=1&viewtype=&category=mvd

Misc.

I guess it's about time I blogged again. I'm not sure what to say. Not a lot has been going on lately. Well, I guess I could talk about the service that I had this past Sunday in Alta Vista (and of course we had a concert there). Ok, I'll start with the concert. Our band (Ever After--Everlasting...lol) played in Alta Vista last Saturday. It rained....and it was freezing cold. It was miserable, but it was worth it to sing and play. But nothing compared to doing the worship at my parents church. That is what I was created to do was sing worship music....well, we all were, but you know what I mean. And I did get to sing that song that really spoke to me. It was a very powerful song and I amost cried when I sang it. But the most important part of the weekend happened Sunday afternoon before we left for home. We had a service in memory of our two babies. It was a beautiful service. And it was kind of odd, it was beautiful during the service (which was outside), but in a matter of minutes after it was done it got cold and cloudy....Thank you God! I had music and poems (even Scott read a poem and two verses). I read one poem and made a total fool of myself with my crying. But it's all good. Then we lit candles (2 pink ones) and we did it like a unity candle....my hands were shaking so bad. It was very good for me to have this closure. It's helped already. To be perfectly honest as of a week and half ago Scott and I were going to seperate....really. It's been so stressful with me grieving the loss of our daughters and then to be rejected with the adoption. It was just too much for me, and Scott didn't know what to do. One night we fought, very bad, and we both decided that maybe we should just go our seperate ways. Things are so much better now. I pray that no one ever decides that seperation is a way to solve marriage problems. I'm glad that we stuck it through and let God heal us. We are still cautious about what we say to each other and how we treat each other, but I bet that's a good thing. We will be stronger after all of this. Now we just have to make the decision to try and adopt again (I'm against this one), try some more fertility treatments (I don't know about this one financially), or just stay childless (can I handle that one?). It is so hard. And then I get frustrated with all my womanly problems, which does affect our marriage (intimately). I'm still waiting for a dr to give me some clear answers as to what is going on. Ok, I started out saying that I didn't have much to say, and look at how much I've said already. I've skipped around on a lot of subjects. But I should go. I need to get motivated around my house, but I get so tired and worn out (iron deficency?). I'll try and keep my blog more updated. God Bless you all!!!

Proof that God is still working

These are lyrics to a song that I heard on the radio tonight. I've been listening to it over and over for about 30 minutes now. I am claiming what this song says. I did have it out with God last night. I spent time just Him and I and I did yell and Him....but I feel so much better. I still feel somewhat angry, but I can at least believe that He does love me and He is holding me and comforting me. I am working on this song to sing as a special at my parents church this coming Sunday....we'll see if I get it done. Just in case you want to hear the song it is called "You're Not Alone" and it's by Meredith Andrews. It's a brand new song on the radio......wow! God does still work.

You're Not Alone
I searched for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone but you found me where I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
singing

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
**sayin'

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true...
Forever For my love will carry you....

You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

Please don't say any kind of "I told you so." I'm going out on a limb in blogging about this. Just let me say what I need to say and then if you have to say anything, just say that you love me or that you are here....or whatever sounds like something you'd want to hear if you just lost a loved one. It is very disappointing to not get the two girls, but I don't think that's why I'm so angry and grieving. If you go back to my earlier blogs you will remember that I lost a baby last year (August). I don't think I ever mentioned this in the blog, but I was supposed to be giving birth this week. (just an estimate) And not only that, but I was supposed to give birth two years ago on the 15th of this month. I mentioned earlier on that I never grieved over this last baby. I didn't feel like I could. Two days after I passed the baby, Scott had a surgery on his eye. I'll also never forget what it felt like (both times) to start bleeding and cramping, and then pass the baby. I also feel like I'm the only one that feels that these babies were real. That to everyone else they were nothing but tissue and blood. I just want someone to feel their loss as personally as I do, to confirm that they were both real people. That they did mean something. Don't give me any clever lines to make me feel better, just grieve with me. Let me cry, let me be angry, let me say what I need to say in my grief. Most of it I probably won't mean, but I just want to get it out.
Oh, how my arms ache. It's as if they have a mind of their own and know that they should have something to do....but there's nothing for them to do and they are lost. They ache, they tingle, even the muscles in my arms twitch. I don't think I can handle this.......I don't understand it......Why? WHY???? I feel so lost, I want to shut out real life and lock myself in my own world....I don't want to see anyone. I don't want anyone to try to say something clever to make me feel better.
What would my babies look like? I would have a toddler and a newborn right now. And if we go back even farther, I would actually have an almost 7 year old. I just feel so alone right now....I don't know what to do....I don't know......what have I done wrong? What could I have done differently to change all this? What's wrong with me? I just want my babies......I want to hold them and hug them and kiss them......I want my babies....

We're not getting the girls.

and I don't want to hear that it's all in God's hands or that it wasn't in His will, OK?

Patience

Ok, I'm going nuts. I thought I would do better when it came to waiting about news on the two girls, but I'm just not doing well at all. It's hard to sleep, and I'm getting moody. This is crazy. I don't even know if we are getting them or not. And on Monday when I'm waiting to hear the news after they have the meeting.....I don't even want to think about it. Poor Scott...he's going to need therapy after this I think. Just because he's had to put up with me. I am so nervous. I don't know how I will react on Monday. If the news is good, I don't know if I will scream or be calm about it. If the news is not good, I don't know if I will cry or what. Either way, I think I will have to talk to somebody. I don't think I will be able to keep it to myself. Oh, I hope and pray that we get these girls. I would love to raise them as our own and give them the love they deserve. Even Scott told me that he's been thinking about them a lot lately. Thinking about what we will do together as a family. He doesn't show his touchy-feely side much, but he did tell me that he wishes we already had a family. So even though it doesn't look like it bothers him, it really does. I hope this is our chance at a family. We want it so bad. I will blog after I know something. Stay tuned for the latest next week.

Getting the New Eye!

I guess the only thing to tell you is that this is what happened when Scott got his new eye. Because of the time it takes to upload pictures on our computer, I only uploaded some of the 44 pictures that we have. Enjoy....and I hope it doesn't gross anyone out too bad.


In the parking lot, getting ready to leave
for the dr's office.



Matching the eyeballs....ewww! I do need
to tell you that we watched him paint the eyeball.
He makes them right there on the spot (and he himself
paints them). He is very talented and was able to match
the color perfectly. Ask me how it's done and I'll explain how
it's done....it would take up too much space to do it on here.



The Eyeball!






This was the eyeball before the eyelids
were sculpted.



Sculpting the eyelids...looks like peanut
butter all over his eye.





Looking better.





Perfecting the eyelids.






Can't even hardly tell that the eye is
not real.



Scott was really asleep when I took this
picture. This was the weirdest thing to
look at.



This is the real Scott coming out.
The eye was supposed to come out because
it wasn't glued into place earlier (it needed
to dry). We knew it would fall out, but weren't
expecting it quite so soon. We went to Olive Garden to eat and it came out while we were there......but it didn't fall in the spaghetti thankfully...lol.





Scott left the eye on the table at the motel for the night (we're glueing it in on Sunday morning). This was the weirdest thing to wake up to. It looks like someone just scooped out a part of Scott's face. It is very real looking.

Well, I hope you enjoyed looking at parts of the process of getting a new eye and eyelids. I have more pictures and if you are around me I will show you the photo album that I made with all the pictures.

AAAAHHHHH!!!!

Guess What!!! The meeting has been set. We find out if we get to adopt the girls on April 7th. I'm so excited and nervous. I can't believe it's really here....and yet I also think, what took them so long. I don't know if we will get them or not, but we are in the running and they will discuss us as a family at the meeting. Our social worker will be on the phone with them (conference call) and representing us. She will do her best to convince them that we should be the adoptive family. I hope so. Oh, now the next week will go by so slow....and I'll have a hard time concentrating (lol). Poor Sylvia (my boss). She won't know what to do with me. And especially on the 7th, I'll be a nervous wreck. The good thing is that the meeting is at 1:00 in the afternoon, so they probably won't come to a decision until after I'm home from work. Oh, I can't believe that we could find out we will be parents in a week....Please, Lord, grant this request of mine to be the mommy of two little girls that I just know are the most beautiful things in the world. Amen.

Please Pray!

The last post got too long, so I thought I would just do another one for this piece of news. I am going to the dr on Thursday. I'm a little nervous (just because of my last experience). I'm trying a new dr, so we'll see how it goes. My symptoms have been getting really bad. In fact I can't even hardly do anything because I double over in pain. If I sit down and stay still, I am ok. But if I stand or walk too much I'm on the floor in a hurry. There are other things going on, but I won't mention them (tmi.....so I won't go there). I've been told my several people that I probably have endometriosis, and from all my research lately, I'm pretty sure that's what it is. It makes me a little nervous. I still can't help but think I will have to have a hysterectomy, but it's all in God's hands. And if it means that I get better and life gets back to normal, then I'm willing to do it. Scott is ok with me getting it all taken out, because if I do have endometriosis, the chances of cancer goes up. So I guess my main reason for this post is to have you pray for me that the dr would do the tests needed to find out the reason behind all the pain and other things. I don't think birth control is the answer. That's just a band-aid for the symptoms, not finding out the reason. I hope I can get some answers in a couple of days....and then after that we will hopefully get some news on the two girls also.

Pruning

Ok, I bet you are wondering about the title to this post. It's sounds weird.....but it's what God is doing to me right now. I know it's for the best, but it does not make it any easier. I've already told my family this, and of course Scott knows about it, too. I will share it with you. Please don't fight me on this. I held off on telling my family about it because I feared that they would think I was giving up on my faith. I'm not giving up on my faith, in fact right now I have to have more faith than ever before. God has been speaking to me for awhile now and I've been fighting Him. It's been making me miserable in the process. God told me that I will never bear my own children.....yes, that is a very hard thing to take in. (that's why I've been fighting it). I've been angry, I've been in denial, and so many other things along the way. But now I'm coming to the acceptance part. Whenever I've told people that we are going to keep trying for our own it's been more trying to convince myself that it can happen. It won't happen, it's not part of God's plan for us. I asked Him the other night why it had to be me. "Why can't You pick on someone else, why me?" The answer?? (God speaking) "Melissa, why wouldn't I pick you?" In other words, God has specially picked me to love and raise children that will be on earth no matter what and will just be tossed away. Even Scott told me that I have a gift to love other peoples children. This is not an easy thing to digest. It's been my life's desire to get pregnant and enjoy a life growing inside me. But it's not going to happen. It's still hard to see a pregnant woman, and I will still go through some grieving (who wouldn't), but I have given it up to God. I'm putting my faith and trust in Him to give us the children that we so desire. Maybe it will be the two girls (still haven't heard anything). I am now praying that God will allow us to adopt an infant so I can experience that part (even though so many people tell me I'm lucky if I can skip that). I still hang on to the idea that I will see three babies in Heaven that started out life in my womb, but were called home. Actually, I got a poem from a friend that I would like to share. It brought tears to my eyes, and then I printed it out to hang on my wall.

HEAVEN'S NURSERY
In Heaven there must surely be
A special place, a nursery
Where 'little spirits' not fully grown
Go to live in their Heavenly home.

The angels must attend with love
Tiny spirits on wings of doves,
The choir of angels must sing lullabies
Maybe quieten their tiny cries.

The Father must come by each day
To cuddle and play in a special way
These tiny spirits left earth too soon
Little ones called Home from the womb.

These sparks of life did not perish
But came to the Father's love to cherish,
To grow and be taught in His own arms
Safely away from all earthly harm.

The comforter was sent to earth at once
To the parents who lost their little one
Their hearts so ache, their arms feel empty
The question 'why' seems so tempting.

Then all at once in the midst of tears
There comes a peace that stills the fears
The parents share the Father's own need
To hold their tiny spirit being.

They relinquish their own desperate hold
And release their baby to the Father's fold,
Then comes an angel to whisper the truth
Of a nursery in Heaven bearing rich fruit

Of tiny spirits chosen to worship the Father
A place that couldn't be filled by another,
Called to be spared from the struggles of earth,
Chosen to be one of Heaven's births.

So Father, whisper words of love from me
To our unborn 'life' in your nursery.

(isn't that beautiful?)

A Blessing From God

I will be the first to admit that I've been through a lot in my 26 years in this world. Yes, there are those that have been through worse than me, but during my trials I feel like I'm worse off than anyone else ever could be. (that would be my selfish nature coming out) And I know deep down that even in all the bad that happens, God has a good and perfect plan for me. He can turn something bad into something good. I have had moments when I clearly see that and this is one of them. And right now I feel like all that I've been through is worth it, if it helps another person. Ok, if I was in the middle of it I would not be thinking that. I'm not one of those people that gets a flat tire and says "Praise the Lord!" No, I get mad just like anyone else would. But then later when I see how it kept me from a fatal car accident I do thank God for what He did. If my trials can help another person or encourage them to go on, I can make it through. I should feel blessed that even if my girls didn't get to live on earth, they are touching lives. What a proud mommy moment. (it doesn't make me miss them any less). If nothing else good comes from this blog, I hope that it can encourage someone that is going through hard times. I remember at one time on my blog I prayed that God would use it to bless someone. Thank you, Jesus, that you used it for a good purpose. It's always after the rain and the storm that you see the rainbow.....and aren't rainbows such a beautiful blessing from God?

A little bit of news!!!

I had to blog about this. I just got a little bit of news from my social worker. They should have the meeting planned by this Friday. So we could find out within a couple weeks (for real this time) that we are going to have two little girls. My heart is pounding, I'm so excited. But I'm even more nervous than excited. I think about what if they don't pick us.....then I think...what if they do pick us???? These are the same feelings that I get when I have suspected that I'm pregnant. I will so keep everyone posted. This is so exciting.

For my girls

Dear Angel and Amanda,
Mommy misses you so much. I've been thinking about you a lot. It's getting closer to when it would have been your birthday. We have our names submitted to adopt two little girls. If we get them we will have two little girls just like we were supposed to have. Are you keeping your great-grandpa in line? He can be ornery, but he's a lot of fun. I bet you already know all that. I told him before he went to Heaven that he needed to take care of you two. Actually, I told him about your older brother, also. I hope you found him too. I know he has a different daddy than you do, but he is still just as special. You all three have the same heavenly Father, and he's the one who takes care of you now. I can't tell you how much I really do miss you guys. I wish I could have held you and kept you for a while longer. Well, I have to go for now. Remember how much I love you.
Love,
Mommy

I think I figured it out

I think I figured it out........I figured out why I've been so baby sensitive lately. My baby Amanda Joy was supposed to be born in the month of April (or end of March) and I've been grieving over her. I never really took the time to grieve over her when she died in August. I made myself be tough and not cry over her like I should have. My anger is part of the grieving process.....it's normal. And it's good that I've been letting it out. Now I just need to go have a good cry and let it all out. I do have a letter that I wrote to Amanda in September. I think I will share it.

9/2/07
Amanda,
I know you wn't be able to recieve this letter, but I want to write it to you. We chose your name because the meaning is true. We love you even if we never got to meet you or know you. You are already in Heaven but I hope you found your sister, Angel. YOu make sure she takes care of you. She's been in Heaven for 2 years now so she'll show you around. We miss you both so much. We're trying so hard to adopt a little boy, so if we do you'll have an older brother. We'll tell him about you. I hope in remembering you we pay attention to your middle name. We need to remember to have the joy of the Lord in all situations. We also have to remember Angel's middle name, Faith. We have to keep the faith as well as joy. We can't wait to meet you at the gates of Heaven. God will let you know when we're coming. I love you more than you know.
Love,
Mommy

Can I add as a sidenote (I just realized this too) that I think God chose the names that we picked for our little girls. Faith and Joy.....those are the two things I am struggling with now.....Ok, God, I get the message.

another added note: I didn't mention this in the letter, but the meaning that i found for the name Amanda that made me choose it was "she who must be loved"

Have any of you ever been stabbed or anything of the kind? I just wondered if anyone knew how painful it really is to have that happen. I never have and that's the only thing I have to compare my pain to. If any of you have been reading my blog you know that the desire of my heart is a child. What I don't always let on is how much it hurts. It seems like when I'm hurting the most is when I hear about everyone in the world getting pregnant. And when I hear that it feels like something stabbing my heart and I can't get rid of the pain. Sometimes my arms just ache. This sounds crazy (and hopefully I don't get admitted to the psych ward) but there are times that I sneak to my basement and I grab a doll of mine and just pretend that I have a baby. But my arms literally ache to hold a child of my own (or that's been adopted). Sometimes it just hurts so bad that I have to hold something to make it feel better. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but that's how it is. I get so tired of putting on my mask of joy and happiness, when deep down I'm angry, bitter, and so, so disapointed. I can grieve over it and feel better and just about the time that the wound has almost healed shut, bam, I hear about another pregnancy and the wound is ripped open. And I try so hard to keep a smile on my face and act excited (because if I were ever pregnant I would be so excited and want others to be just as excited). I know it's only fair to act excited for the new life, but deep down I just hurt. I smile big and try to distract people from the fact that my lip is quivering and if I try and say anything I will lose my cool and start crying. I just don't understand God's plan. I know that He has promised that He has a good and perfect plan, but what happened to the plan for me? What happened to that? Why won't He give me the desire of my heart when he gives so many others the desires of their hearts? I just don't get it. I know this is probably depressing, but maybe, just maybe if someone reads this they might understand the feelings going on inside of me....or maybe it will help others understand what goes on inside of me when I'm really wearing a mask to cover up the hurt and pain I feel. I will admit that I am angry and probably a little bitter.....ok, a lot bitter. I guess maybe that's my prayer request. That I would maybe give up my anger and bitterness. And that I would understand the will of God in my life.....just pray for me.

Great Weekend

Wow!! I had the best weekend. I needed it. My parents came back for the weekend and Matt and Tanna came too (with Jaelyn of course). It was busy and exhausting, but so much fun. I couldn't hardly stay awake at work today, but it was worth it. I miss them already. And it is so exciting, Jaelyn is walking now, and she says my name (Issa). I really think she's a genius......but I'm not biased in my opinion am I....lol! Oh, and if you ask her how old she will be on her birthday she will hold up one finger. Matt and Tanna said that they've been working on that with her. I hope if we get to be parents that we are parents like them.

It was a great weekend. I really think that we need to get Topeka and Alta Vista moved closer to Healy. I think the middle part of the state and the eastern part need to switch places. Can I get that done?

I still have not heard anything about the girls. Scott and I are getting very frustrated. If we can't have our own, then we are okay adopting, but they have to let us adopt. I guess I'll share the story. So far there is only one other family interested in the girls besides us. But they are not even able to adopt through KCSL yet. They are giving them 2-3 months to get their stuff done. You know, when we wanted to adopt two other little girls, we were not allowed to submit our names until we had everything done....which we didn't get done in time to submit for those girls. AAAAHHHH!!! It makes me so mad. I just don't get it. But we are still really excited about Scott's new eye and the fact that he is still cancer-free (has been since October 2007). I'm so proud of him. He's a strong guy and he's had such a good attitude. But any of you who know him, know that he's ornery. Well, I gotta go take a nap. My family wore me out. I'll clean my house later (fameous last words...lol).

Lord, I have not prayed on my blog for awhile. Please bless those that read it. Help Scott and I to be patient with everything. We know that you have a plan for our lives and that it is for our good. I know I get down, but just be patient with me and I'll eventually figure out that You are truly in control. Thank you, Lord, for family and friends that I can laugh with and be cheered up by. You are awesome. I love you!!!

Life gets discouraging

I'm not really sure exactly what I'm going to say. But I've been having a hard time here lately and it's time that I journal a little. Maybe by blogging I can help myself and maybe help some others that might be feeling some of the same things sometime. I've been getting so discouraged. I don't understand sometimes what my purpose in life is. I'm not sure if I should be doing more singing, should I be working harder to have children, or should I just focus on nothing. I have a job that I love (working with 3-5 year olds), and I am the worship leader at my church, but is that all I'm supposed to do. My big dream is to still be a mommy. And it seems that it's just not going to happen. I feel like God is even closing the door to adopting. We've submitted our names and just cannot get chosen to adopt any children. Am I destined to never be a mommy? I also just can't see that Scott and I will ever have our own children. I have too many womanly problems, and of course Scott's chances of producing children are very small (his count is very low). When I look at everything we have been through I should not have anything to even be discouraged. God has brought Scott and I through a very long and hard trial with cancer that just drained us. Now we are on the upside of it and I keep finding things that I'm not happy with. I keep thinking that if God will not bless us with children (adoption or birth) then maybe we need to focus on music. But sometimes I feel like God has shut the door on an outside music ministry (because he did call me to be the worship leader). And of course the more I want a child, the more pregnant women I see and meet. I get so angry sometimes. And it's not that I really dislike the women, it's just that I resent that they are mommies and I'm not. It's nothing personal against them. And I get angry when it seems so easy for those women to get pregnant. I have a sis-in-law (scott's sister) that has been able to choose the exact moment she concieved. It seems like so much work for Scott and I to try to get me pregnant that we have pretty much given up. And I keep trying to remember the movie "Facing the Giants" and preparing my field for the rain (I think I discussed this in an earlier blog), but I get so discouraged that God will never send "the rain." What am I doing wrong? Sometimes I wish that I would find out that we were just missing an important part of conception. Kind of a duh thing. Then it would be easy to get pg. But I'm pretty sure we do know what to do....it just doesn't work. Well, I guess that's enough getting depressed. The good thing is that when I write or type then I feel better, so after you read this I'm probably already feeling better. Thanks for letting me vent.